I remember what it’s like
you can’t eat without supervision, going hungry at home
poverty gives the conscience permission
no new clothes, relatives giving me hand me downs
buying goodwill to weasel into my life for a day
when I needed them, where were they?

Don’t tell me who I am, how I’m living, don’t ask me loaded questions
if you want me to shoot myself in the foot, or shove my foot in my mouth
I’ll have to unwedge it from your backside, I come to converse armored in the truth
and I’ll accept defeat, leaving an argument saying everything I believe to be factual until I see proof
I remember being cold, I remember living in apartments we could not afford, no AC, sleeping on the floor, stomach rumbling, my big mouth, it was getting old, I’m not sorry it’s not like that anymore, I won’t sell you a pitch
but know you’re going to catch this if you think I’m looking down my nose, that I’m too good for the ditch, I lived in the ****, it’s where I was born, people you’re so close to seem to know you, and then they go off and show you,
I was too weak to raise my fists the first time I ever felt so ******
my head-rushed with blood, face-flushed, shoes caked in mud, walk around the grass to get it off, we ain’t wasting water from the hose, I wished my arms were stronger so I could bust (shall remain nameless) in their (faceless) nose, lord knows
I’ve been cussing like they forgot the black bar over my mouth since I first became aware of my surroundings, I was four years old or so, San Angelo, welcome to the South
tornado alley, welcome to my anxiety central around a point and rally, I’d visit grandma in Alabama and fight at the YMCA with kids on Summer Holidays, dad was working all the time, providing, he’s had **** near a hundred jobs, but I can say even when he’d want to punch me out, no doubt, having a good father pays
you tell me about how I was raised, your silver spoon theories are comically large, I remember walking home like the old folks tell you they did, through snow and humid heat, in Texas and Germany, never tell em it was just to save the credit card a tank of gas in the car, hop on the shoelace express and I'd lead charge

People keep coughing up gold about my childhood from out of thin air, I’m trying to be bigger than that, but this **** shines, I see it and once I get ahold of it I try not to care, it’s the stench that lingers getting to me, I step in these opinions that end up wishing that I’d just left theirs
I'm getting sick of it, being well off, I feel like a junkyard dog eating caviar out a silver bowl for the first time, friends look at me like I’ve never fell off this pedestal they put my whole life up for, I’m not suffering the same way, it’s not a crime
I didn’t inherit my wealth, I don’t even have it, this **** is a ******* hazard to my health
I lucked out by having two pair in a stacked deck, my parents actually care, apparently that’s very rare, they learned it’s imperative to work yourself to death for your people and keep hell warm for the ingrates when you get there
lunch table lawyers inquiring about divorces, I’ve taken leather to the mouth for talking back and my private life is still more intact than yours is
never grown-ups in Never Never Land talking like I approach life with two open hands
I never had a silver spoon near me until I could afford it without the debt
you want a story of overcoming, bootstrap pulling, here’s all you’re gonna get
I went hungry, couldn’t afford clothes, was a poor child, had trifling, **** talking, game playing, backstabbing family, I was lucky smarter people out-preyed the predators out to leverage children against wallets, they held me back for my own safety, sharper knives in that drawer than these bright ideas carried by sharks out to war, until you learn the angles these fish are going for, there were people to protect me and I wouldn’t ask for something more

I’ll pull my bootstraps up, pressing the sole of my whole right foot right down your neck if you ask me about my employment, earning, working, what I do, where and how and cashing checks, I love my friends like my family, but even they look down on me, I’ve been white trash, I was recycled, I’m only a grown man now, what more can I be? What’s next, everybody admires blue collar, I’m a shock collar, I’ll give you everything I can to help you to my last dollar, if you’re real just come over, ask for help, let me shoulder that chip with you, I love ya’ll, all you gotta do is holler
but all I hear lately, is your life is so great, like it always has been
my mind grinds to shut out thoughts, a broken gate, everything I hate and I have it all, a little money is just an invitation to revise history, roast and blister me, pretend like yesterday’s hardships sailed and the horizon they’ve gone over is somehow now a ******* mystery
I’d burn my money to fuel a future for my brother’s child, at the drop of a dime, I don’t want for anything but peace, love and respect, call on me for it anytime, until then I’ll keep to mine, my morality is out, that’s my conscionable spending-spree; ring me up before the **** bank gets to me.

I do not believe in you, beyond the flesh and bone, awaits my immortal throne, all this world is
ash and fallacies, you fall on knees to worship me, a false messiah, I despise the
ease with which I dominate your spiritualities, your bodies temples and I own the lease
with an iron grip on the leash, alligator tears fill a river, no denial, half life and half a trial
the grinding metal teeth, feed them your babies, until the stump foams with the entrails like the earth has gifted it rabies
insects in the meat particulates, springing forth and given birth, their lives are the meaning your sacrifices hide
I am the sword of union and unholy retribution falls with my decision to lay down the divide
I am the word of confusion and deathly distribution crawls through my incision whenever I decide
to cut a void in society, press a syringe to the vein and interject my opinion, you’d all better hold still and keep hope open wide!

We will post your heads atop the nicest parts of your downtown offices, turn storage freezers into sarcophagi
no horses herald the coming, an agent applied locally to our violence will prepare the area, they’ll be under waves after a thorough numbing
we will carve our kingdom from asphalt and concrete, no one can stop the foreseen before it is
Cyrus will not deny us, there is one cure to the sinful ways of thinking, treat individuality like a virus, join the cure and stand beside us
or be apart of a red sea when you see a whole army marching through your streets, upfield in boots with one goal, shaking the ground like we’re all wearing cleats, we’ll starve you out, believe we will besiege you so fast you’ll break by the time the bullhorn declares no one eats, secede defeat, you’re only programmable meat, spare the ammunition and we’ll only stamp you out in a shipment with our feet, to let the next settlement know they’ve been beat
now decry us, we condone violence, don’t leave us in silence, we’ll raise hell, **** your chosen, blow down your house and come back to burn you alive after you’ve been stuck outside, frostbitten and frozen, ask yourself if you want to bury the hatchet in your skull and wind up a missing person so no one knows then, tell yourself it’s for your own help if you listen when we talk and approach our sermon with your mind open.

Did I stutter?
The frame rate of my life has refreshed
ever alert, microphones intake the silence for a hint of mutter
counting fully textured, more risen bumps, now I am fully fleshed
I pull at my eyes to disconnect and only disarm myself of aid to my sight
I cover my ears to dull a damaged sense, tethered anchors float free downstream
on a river of memories, I weakly gesture to grasp them without much fight
the pain within them feels distant, I am aware and awake to see the inner workings of a dream

There is a primal instinct of fear
you cannot know what happens here
a curtain like a guillotine exists to separate
it falls like lead showers to incapacitate
if any wandering eye should ever peek
identify and patch the barrier, no area can be weak
our minds must be ever tricked and contained
by the upkeep of this beautiful craftsmanship, ever toiled over and maintained
we speak of the maze within, the pyramid to the god, our labyrinth and prism
that once illuminated would be rejuvenated, the spirit reincarnated in its peak form
the soul alight, a warden alone now elevated and free from the confines of prison
ultimate balance achieved in a host, a process complete, now the husk keeps the data warm

Can’t comprehend the changes because they are designed to undermine comprehension
a survival instinct that will drive you mad, a failsafe to sabotage seeing clear
striving to bend an ear, only creating tension
glimpsing between patches, accepting you’re aware, but nobody will really hear
a higher sense of self is a step closer to an upload
scared to be convinced, to buy into the delusion
if this universe is nothing but a node
and this is all a cruel illusion
then people will still choose comfort over entertaining serious debate
interfacing with a topic of serious connotations, it’s not forced by the simulation
free will chooses how to handle potentially dangerous traits
and not knowing what’s real are means to have your chances scheduled for termination
a human must never question, they must accept the approved, provided stimulation
and a person must know that reality is what they make of it, so long as they are within bounds
you can’t see what you collapse at the sight of, hence the power cycle of actualization.

Oh, to be a butterfly
flitting freely upon the sky
a flower bud or strawberry pie
to land on bones soaked in nectar, I
think of watching monarchs with a tired sigh
to be as simple as a butterfly…

No tail guns, no tracers
no fire or engines roaring by
no, just myself, my wings and I
no wingmen or aces, if I were a butterfly
no dogfights or air raid sirens, no warm scotch chasers
with flat beer, only the pollen trade that I would ply
no stale cigarettes, no cold coffee, no need to keep my humor wry
I would frolic in the sun, happy and dry
over so many flower fields with my own kind,
if I were a butterfly

No spirals of smoke and flames
no chains, broken glass or blood or names
no more would my fingers bleed for hours as I pry
desperate, hanging on every whisper for everything I try
no stench or thirst or hunger would bother me, if I were a butterfly
no fear or obligation would bind me, no desperation would make me vie
for a signal or a weapon to call for help or escape, I would kiss my life goodbye
and I would kiss the blood and sweat off of my cheek one last time, if I were but a butterfly.

Have your eyes ever felt so heavy from seeing, like all they've taken in was wrong

your feet so sore from walking, that any road suddenly felt twice as long

have you ever felt so sure of something that you'd voice it in song?


Has it been a while since you were told you're beautiful for who you are

have you never given a kind word, just to be kind

do you search for people who accept and love, and never take it too far?

Could you be someone to anyone; it's okay if that you is too hard to find


Hold on tightly

the worst of life lasts forever in a candle's flame

if trauma didn't burn so brightly

then the calm before and after a storm wouldn't live up to its name.

Every word in your poem must have meaning
the first eight don't, write that way, I don't even live that way, find the purpose in these words, it's scattered with red herrings and recallings of the past, hallmarks and cornerstones, what has and hasn't mattered, madness and hat tricks three times over the top of a shivering rock, quivering locks that hold the mad hattered, sick from the work, their hands all blood splattered, if everything is worth everything then there's no value, it's all filtered and strong, there's only honesty and no stakes, everything is true, the purpose is to discern what has worth and what's worthless, I open my back into a blood eagle/writing desk and translate pulsating raw organs into words for you

Nobody save me, I am in love with what I do

You could easily break my heart, I have a toychest, I pull out verbal audacity to the extent the social responsibility of an author is distant in my mind from what I am, I disavow myself from your ranks so I can give my conscience some REM rest, a mile a minute thoughts all day, benadryl, painkillers, migraine, anxiety a trough for a bi-daily feeding of every pill, I'd be a ricochet away from glass shards showing in my die hard deck of troubled cards, well meaning I'd fall to pieces I've let go over panes it's been nice knowing, the way I treat observations is dastardly, this maladjusted, malcontent, I am an August Breeze because I was a blow hard reject, I don't put respect or take it, I give it and I'll never cross the hard times or same lines this revolution like protests on a boulevard after Malcolm X

Get killed in the streets and people like me watch on the news, horrified
that's *******

I said you could easily break my heart, I've got a toychest, I get plenty of rapid eye movement without any proper rest, I sleep for hours like pennies on the dollar, steep cost but hollow, because I'm exhausted and depressed, I don't have even half a mind for politics, I can't carry a conversation, I'm no champion for the popular opinion, I won't vote in this system, I'm another timeline's anachronism, they say keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them, I say break my jaw backwards and force feed them, open me up to the despair of shattered illusions in this bubble of elitism, I'm over and done, give me defeat, I have action figuratives you can play with until we're all worn out and beat, but this carousel spirals until the whole fair is a circus, along for the ride like Bonnie and Clyde, bullet riddles, not too common some might think, like the Sphinx would bother to curse us

I love you, whoever you are, unconditionally,
because I believe there's peace in that
but I'll fight you to defend that peace if you threaten it

Gender, off by the spring in my notebook I would look, I used to be a lonely kid, I was embarrassed about my body by everything I did, I learned I was supposed to like girls and I never challenged doing what I was told, but casting a glance their way was inviting someone to frostbite my head off while I was trying to keep it down, it got cold, I was a preteen and I felt already twenty-odd years old, I had bought into this portrait of normalcy so much so that I'd been sold, that I'd taken up a paintbrush and put a little fleck of pink blush, to include myself and I welcomed opportunity to destroy my trust, I don't actually care about ***, I loved once, but another warm body isn't what my heart wants, I wouldn't even reproduce by mitosis if I could, not even to declare to the approval of my family and peers a legacy of carnal pleasure, I've been told to go **** myself plenty of times before, why make it about offspring as if I would, no, it has been more than seven years since I felt intimate lust for another person, I don't want to feel that way again even if I should, I have struggled to be content in the label of asexual, even though I can wave a flag to say I don't give a **** and I'd be wrong not to say it feels good

Education traps you in a cycle of economic pressure
squeezing and pushing, draining a person
they become titles and jobs and numbers, lesser and lesser
while their checks hit like save points and you try to focus on that
motivation avoid debt-incurred devastation,
pay it back in backpatting, treated libation
insinuation, improved situation, human batteries
renewed and recycled, capitalism in a state of fluctuation
tuition only in, but never out, competition
hotter degrees, more possibilities, affordable and available at a better institution
depending on your life, you start off at odds or in favor, and that is *******

So, traffic stop, killer cops, commercial backers from corporate hacks, change ad hoc, stuck inside buying and selling stock in slacks, real difference and all talk, allies and all lies, followers and leaders alike, subscribers, likers, listeners lack, christeners in the tide of war and order, ignored poor fodder, a fiery passion can't be extinguished by water, reality in a world so fake it needs to be shook awake sorely lacks, Uncle Sam doesn't want you to enlist, he wants you on a list, but America speaks for itself

The state of things is bad for your mental health
and you can't even book an appointment that you can't afford right now
it's virtually impossible to get help,
unplug the simulation
everything is so much worse outside, put me back under
release a sweet sedative/dopamine injection,
tune out everything bad and just think about what awaits in the wings of production
quarantine will end, markets will open like Christmas morning
and your gains then are your own greedy projection
to quell the rising outrage in this outrageous population
quiet them by letting them scream until they wear themselves out and fall asleep
then turn down the negative attention,
tease the brakes, before the silent minority wakes
more people per capita means nothing to capital capitol, that's ******* *******.

Elongated, I've long waited, to be off the scale since I've been weighted, predestined arousal, I hitched my string to an anvil, I was mentally ill-fated, suited, sunshine beaming down when the radiant light of a message hit my phone, endorphins like a jazz blues saxophone, chemically polluted, a rubberband gun, I snap on my own, land off somewhere alone, wind me up and shoot it, recall and fall flat on my face straight from orbit in a hotel in outer space plant through the dinner table in time to join hands for grace, I burned up with cabin fever on re-entry, I've gone plum stir crazy, somebody let me out of this place!

Every word a poet uses should have meaning in the body of their poem, I just broke through the window in the fourth wall, set off the alarm, stumbling through the darkness in my home, trying to be quite so no one suspects, but my foot is wearing the skullcap of a garden gnome, while I'm rifling through the fridge drinking alka seltzer, my head kills but my mouth just gathers foam, hold on, I surveyed the view of the lake and lack of a fireplace, living room, kitchen, and outdoors landscape, for my sanity's sake, what I saw portrayed was all alarming and auspiciously fake, how many broken scramblings through paradise can one mouth on legs make?

This is not real reality, it's a placebo for those who are being phased out, meditative foresight and hindsight are afforded their luxury, they sit comfortably, eyes bloodshot fixed on TV while the rats around them scurry to assure their streaming services and first world marvels of electricity are seemingly self-maintained in a hurry, your muzzles and blue collars soaked with worry, this nauseating, intoxicating, hypnotizing paralysis is a product of a dream-selling industry, the commercialism sweeps the Lynchian faults under the rug and collects the filth in its dustpan with a flurry, it's not living, it's dying slowly, rest assuredly, I have never aspired or admired, been inspired or desired an upper middle class castle handed to me from my family, the reason being one of three, responsible legacy, it will forever weigh on me, and I will be guilty should an empire be something I ever see, no, living does not happen here, but it is my house, and I will man my station until I stand the last retiree, even then, inheritance and ignorance are a tunnel and tunnel vision, treading on my head with their dance of misery, all the best intentions are all that matters when they are borne of love from the two over one of three, if nothing else I'll board up the windows and serve you honorably, with no anger, only hope at heart for peace eternally

That's what you get when your life is given away and you have to pay, suddenly an equation occurs, you're lucky if it's long enough to buy into by more than the day, and all the compromise and anguish to say: I am done, I give up, I have to quit and take the best life for us that I can get, I'm sorry son, I've been all shut up, for years I was barricaded from you and I never let myself through it, but now we're here, and as we go on every year, I hope you and I can grow near, because we've had our struggles, but I've always loved you dear, as time goes on, now I hear, your barricade is growing, you are growing, my chance to be with my family is slowly going, I was a good man, you think I was the best, but I made mistakes, did what good I can, didn't pass every test, caused some heartaches, I will pass on knowing you were more like me than you should ever be,

an antiquated patriot who bought into peace of mind

sold in America

and handed it down

I wish I was more like you, is that bad?
I don't care, there's so much more good I could do,
if I could just tell you I love you, and I always will, both my mom and dad.