What does beauty mean to you?
That is a challenging question
I cannot lie and deny that I appreciate the form and skin
but what it means, is more than that
beyond the image, I find people are most beautiful within

Therein lies the hypocrisy of this notion
empathetic, altruistic, honest, and kind hearts
intentions without agendas, good will without roles and parts
I see your eyes and what you consider imperfections,
though no body is without weathered complications
this is not what makes me call you beautiful,
it would be ill of me to judge given my orientation
I think everyone can be if they are not, or already is
and I do not flirt with deception, tempting insinuations
my love is only capable of intimacy within arm's reach
for I have loved as hard and faithfully as madness could never teach
to fall from those arms, stained with blood, draining life to live and lift myself, I resent being reduced to a leech
this is why I choose to see the quality that resides only with humans, there is complex love, redemption, free will to do good or bad and beauty within each

When I call you beautiful Aurelius, what it means to me
is not that your hair looks nice today, your eyes alight
or your face, though serious, delivers a measure of delight
my friend, as with anyone, I speak as truly as I can; I've thought on this
in my own mirror I see a figure fighting for his vain morality, a face only his mother would miss
my mind is a troubled aquifer, I draw from well meaning
while I send ripples through the ocean of my conscience careening

What does beauty mean? What can beauty mean?
Lovely, attractive, alluring, lurid, soft, inviting, a peace not felt since I lost home, someone serene
what I mean when I say one is beautiful, or handsome is a summary of the personality, to put their looks aside
not at the cost of the surface to subtract from rightful pride
as with others now and those from before, it is with you that time and time again I see
strength is not the only quality Aurelius stands for, you are a true beauty.

My mind's eye is closed for business
no introspection, awaiting inspection
likely needs some good repairs
I'll be sharing burdens with Atlas if anybody cares.

For the faint of heart:
When I was a child I could not sit still
teachers took notice; offense to this
parents took me to the doctor
and we started up that hill
I took my first pill

A child of my time and place had no voice
we were hit like adults when we talked like adults
and when we were told to do something we had no choice

I was so stiff, I was the comatose mind of a dead child walking
my overactive mind sedated
they said I was intelligent, said they knew my kind
it always felt like there was something about me they hated
I was a first grader who couldn't sit still
and the doctor said give him this pill

Bottles rattle in my nightstand drawer on nights like tonight
faces of everyone I've ever loved, shoved into the back and outta sight
I want to forget, you won't go away when you're not even here without a fight
I push and ignore you, I don't even see you, I don't even want to
and still neurons send those fiery messages, torchbearers carry the light

Faint of heart, I am feint of heart
I am a duplicitous scoundrel, a monger and mongrel
a disharmonic chorus of voices play their part
stirring me up inside all these people from my past
picking at me, like buzzards who can sense the meal is the death inside
I hear every regret, barbed wire grows from a seed and pours through my mouth at last
the world would not change if I were dead, but in my head
I cannot fight the thought, of all the people whose lives would be better
if they found closure in a suicide letter, knowing it meant that I had died

I hear the support now, kicking me and telling me otherwise
the net catching me and telling me reason over lies
and I love them, I hear them, while from the corner of my eyes
my own voice is taunting me, a dead child haunting me
my capacity for evil is my secret to keep,
he warns me when I'm cracking, an animal meant to be in a cage
it's only so long before they start attacking, so take a pill, go to sleep
before your discomfort and disquiet and your madness turns to rage
take a pill, go to sleep
the memory of your younger brother is with you still,
hold me tight and release your pain into the ether
your sister cannot hurt you either,
you are forgotten, but you don't have to forget, maybe you never will
you'll see your older brother, and vicarious pride shall have its fill
do not give up, just go to sleep; take a pill.

No defense will be heard on your behalf
hold his arms and legs taut
I revel in the look of terror
stretched across his sleeping face,
he's torn himself inside out for his errors
now I will hammer this gavel down until we put him in his place
once and for all
the guilty party
dances in deaf and blind conditions
lips curled up to apologies and confessions
torture and justice are holding hands
they make quite the couple
let them trample
so long as we see suffering
and we say nothing
we incite judgement
we say so
we say no
we see you
we are within you
until we are you
you are sentenced to
life.

There's a weight that releases my breath when I awake
an indentation, leaving a chest compression,
not too old, but my body is weak and I ache
to get out of bed is a mountain to climb,
and getting to sleep is the air growing thin
I can't afford to asphyxiate on someone else's dime
I'm living the slow burn of knowing where to begin
it's depression, waning and whining as it runs out of time

There's nothing for as far as I can see, which is a relief
every one foot in front of me, is one bad thing I've done before
put behind, as long as I can stay true to myself, I claim the belief
proudly, that evil won't make you happy, and I don't need a guide anymore
I can face this all, all alone, I'm not afraid to fall and never rise
I don't need an alliance built on reliance, I'll tell myself my own medicating lies
when I need that crutch, and I lean too much, I'll hold on tight to a mirror and look myself in the eyes
reminders of the pain and loss, the damage and the malevolent intentions
that I tore apart my heart by a well oiled machine of abuse, an ouroboros of my own invention
all my mistakes and suffering are acts of self-harm by my own machinations
I have been as sick as it gets, both sadist by proxy and *******
the cure is resilience and dignity, respect and pride; so to myself I raise my fist

I will subtract infinitum
look at me, I don't need them
I will defeat the tendencies and alluring notions
that call to me, echoing papers filing motions
override the system, go and self-destruct
go and hurt and know
everyone you love would be better if you gave up
they all tell you no
while you contort into a loveless malcontent
under the hammer of a conscience, trained never to relent
breaking every part of your character down to a simple formula, your dark mischiefs all represent
Evil makes you Happy
and you lay in a ball on the floor
Evil may make me happy, but it leaves me empty every time
I want to be a good person, but I commit social taboos and crimes
I am weak and depressed, an anxious egocentric insomniac
all my ideals are fantasies
evil may make you happy, intoxicating as escapism from reality
it grips your organs like cancer and leaves you hollow on your knees
with a reputation for begging to be let in once more, you cry please
your pain might be real, but they see alligator tears
and when you hit the bottom, the bottom even falls out
you must face a world of shadows by yourself, the greatest of your fears

With nobody but the memories
I could see my entire life with clarity
and the answer was plain, I'll take away the pain
all I did was act again in vain,
the future looming, I sought redemption
but there is no reformation,
I am seen as I have always been, no goodbyes
only attempts at temptation
I survived a black star day
and only so much later I face myself with only this to say
"Tom you have to take another step away
keep doing well, even when life is hell,
toe the line, progress one toe at a time,
are you ready?"

Insomnia has me feeling like my brain is on ***, ready to fight the whole wide world like a single player on PVE, you know the drill doc, it's basic carpentry, I want you to tap my heart with a faucet, wire a valve through a piece of PVC, then this forced hand writing will all come more naturally, you can put that guilty plea on me, until I can sizzle in the amniotic fluid that I used to be, there's no point, it's all debauchery, this is the pain that tugs, this is your brain and this is your brain on drugs, shiver on the floor, do you prefer hardwood or rugs? Patterns so enigmatic, hypnotic, it infects the minds of bugs, this is the stain on love, semantics' sake, purely you must remain above, the lonely strangers steal hugs, pedestal, peddle fool, spin you gold faster still gotta keep my cool, another angry person with something to say, the world won't tolerate em, they all hate em, they've all heard enough they can't complicate or placate, so they scab over like platelets, the drones of sweet, alluring ignorance, all holding hands to keep the cut from gushing while singing dixie in their barbershop quartets, it's a bust, tamper nothing, they'll scamper to something, all worthless, shine a red light, blink a blue light, hold up something bright and everyone scurries with folders of opinions in loop-anxious media-frenzied overfed fright, it's like seeing the sun for the first time after living your whole life in the night, it's like everything's been left and someone just discovered you can go a new direction: right. It's like originality is a race to who can say it first, there's a million voices on top of any million voices anywhere already placed, you can say your piece the worst, see it reworded into the best version of your vision, stolen and marketed with minimal revisions, and there you have it, imagination rewarded by death in a spotlight, cancerous half-a-half-life half-empty with only air to ****, a flower whose stem can't reach the water in its vase, but whose beauty makes everyone want a pluck, and now there's a fourth wall, and a war call, and I'm looking at alternate timelines like I was Andy Warhol, what did Nixon ever know? He made an oval face, looked at the tapes and just said no.

Alright, writer, make sense, no more stream of conscience nonsense, it's not word games, respond to what I say with what you heard games, it's not dropping references and names, you've been under pressure, under stress, get over yourself and decompress, take this ball of bile, blackened, bitter bomb of odious construction collecting in my chest and set it off on a page until the load becomes less, gunpowder and sulfur can hang in the air by my toes when I'm done, while my eyes grab red lines as if I'm drawing a maze to the iris, fading out while staring up at the sun, I'll put it all plain and forward, word for word, if I'm hurried be sure you've heard, if you sleep during this, rest assured, it's no line blurred, no speech slurred, no more detour deterred, I possess a demon whom genocide resides inside with eons of ****** pride and an entire tide of souls have died pulling their eyes out in screeching madness and suicide, laying down to suffer beside a spawn of passion incarnate with majestic homicide, whose tongue has split families into tragic feuds where it has lied, whose fingers fetch folly from hearts without a guide, who is to fresh air as a cloud of hydrogen cyanide my domicile is the reflection of your final moments as you are brutalized by one you've known and trusted, who's got you all alone, now see your face flash in their teeth when they smile, I am a manic satanic panic, a brooding mood of a human being, my inner darkness would be enough EMPs to **** the nuclear energies of the sun if that wickedness would this way come in freeing, the tender moments I have are with the meat I cut away from soft and fatty flesh of feeble people that I force to flee my presence, you filthy animals all procreate and makes goals to abolish hate, your virtues are the falsehoods my soul resents

Have no children
skip a generation
let the world breathe
let her recover from mankind
make no life, eradicate your infants
skip a generation
we don't need more time, give the earth a chance.

Grab the human race by the collar
shake them and throw them and make it clear
you are not house trained you roaming fools
you know nothing of fear

Now tell them "Stay!"
Now show me "Stay"
Spreading your idiotic messages
the nice things without which,
you can't live, more cases every day
the air you can't breathe
means do not leave

Now show me "Sit!"
Now tell them "Stay!"
Watch them fail, your greatest hit
on a loop, humanity on play
pompous and stupid acts of discussion
they're safely tucked away from recession,
and this is what they say
look at those dogs infect each other
protests in the USA,
they'll only hurt each other at the end of the day

Now tell me "Sit!" Tell me "Stay!"
Hong Kong is being systematically silenced
in response to allowing adjustments to the violence
that people can inspire
when their rights are set on fire
tell me nothing, reason will not reach my heart
I am enraged and want no part
spit on oppression and share the sickness
it is a level playing field with the masks off,
approaching half a million dead worldwide
avoid injustice, tolerate, bide your time, swallow pride
clench your teeth, roll over; clench your fists
let momentum play dead and stay inside
you have nothing to lose in the matter but your voice
it is the impossible unfairness, a dangerous choice.