I am weak again.
I looked at his Instagram profile
I mean really looked
I looked at the Bio
I looked at the posts.

I am weak again!
I read the posts,
I mean really read
I read posts I had only skimmed over before
I even double tapped
Then I remembered that he might get a notification,
For a moment I was scared,
Then I didn’t care
because I knew he would still not reach out.
He wasn’t supposed to reach out!
He wasn’t going to reach out!

I am weak. Again!
I then looked at his WhatsApp profile picture
It’s like he was looking right through me
Like he could see me all the way across the pacific,
But I knew that he wasn’t seeing me
That he wouldn’t see me
That he wasn’t supposed to see me.

I am weak. Again!
As the day came to an end,
I was happy that I managed not to reach out
Then I saw his Instagram story,
It had been posted two hours ago
I even read up on google what it was about,
I felt like I was very late to see it
Would he be happy, anxious, or concerned that I had seen it after two hours since he posted it,
Would he care?
I feared deep down that he wouldn’t care
He wasn’t supposed to care,
He wouldn’t care!

I am weak. Again!
Tears gathered in my eyes
I hate crying!
He has taught me that I can cry!
I gazed out through the high ceiling windows
To the lights of the early night
I paused my movie
I miss him
I had fallen in love with him
Did he know?
Did it matter?
It wasn’t supposed to matter,
It doesn’t matter
He’s not supposed to know
It wasn’t supposed to happen.

I am weak . Again!
I want to call him
I want to hear his voice, just his voice
Even if it’s scorn
Or anger
Or disappointment!
But he wouldn’t talk to me!
He’s not supposed to talk to me!
He won’t talk to me.

I have been weak before
This is not the first time
This won’t be the last time
I wish it could be the last time
But it won’t be!
I don’t want to cry anymore!
I hate being weak!
But the crying won’t stop.
Why did I let him in?
What was I thinking?
When will it end!

I am weak!

I’ll be stronger tomorrow. Maybe. Maybe Not!

He texted me,
At first I thought I had imagined it,
But noo,
It was for real.
He texted me.
My Ex texted me.

I don't know what I am supposed to do with this!
It has been more than 6 weeks since we spoke.

He texted me!!!

Sometimes I wonder if I exist at all,
Like, what if this is all a dream,
Sometimes I wonder if I am living someone else’s life,
Like, what if they come and ask for it back,
Sometimes I wonder if I even experienced some events that happened in my life,
Like, they seem so sureal and deep away in my memory that I cannot even confirm that they happened,
Sometimes, I really wonder!

Sometimes I wonder if I have actually lived in a different lifetime or parallel universe,
Like, all those deja vu moments are a telltale sign of this alternate existence,
Sometimes I really wonder!

Sometimes I wonder if people can tell that I am tired and bored,
Like, all they say I have heard before and I have had enough,
Sometimes I wonder if my friends can tell if I have lied to them,
Like, they let me off the hook because they love me or completely have no clue that I just lied.
Sometimes, I truly wonder!

Sometimes I wonder if my clients will notice that I don’t know everything,
Like, can’t they tell that I am arguing to throw them off course,
Sometimes I wonder if .....
Well, Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be declared a fraud,
Like everything I have done is not worth anything,
Sometimes I just wonder!

And Sometimes, I actually Wander....away!
Into Oblivion.....

I called for a shared Lyft,
The nemesis of Uber in the U.S
Most people always wish for less people
I wished for someone to join the ride
To take my mind off him

At least I would look at that person’s winter Jacket
Or try to understand their accent
They would give me something else to think of
Apart from him
I would take my mind off him

The streets are empty
I can hear the sound of silence
Of the quiet night time
I was seeing an old friend from grad school
Even in my solitude what has come to be a non- shared ride
He invaded my thoughts
I can’t take my mind off of him

The night time traffic lights bring so much colours to the night
This ride is longer than I expected
Why can’t I clear my thoughts of him already
Did he brand me without my knowledge?
Why does he never leave my thoughts
This night ride was ‘me’ time
To think of what I have to wear tomorrow
And how early I have to wake up
What train route I have to take
But I can’t take my mind off him

So I finally reached home
Still alone in what was supposed to be a shared ride
My night ride wasn’t quiet
It wasn’t serene
It was filled with thoughts of him
I will one day take my mind off of him
And have a quiet night ride.

I don’t want to forget,
I need to forget,
To move on,
But I don’t want to forget,

The thoughts of his touch are becoming hazy,
It’s very clear in my body,
But the mind is starting to confuse things,
Some memories are not very clear,
Others come across as rushed.

His masaculine hands on my body,
On my face,
The look of desire on his face,
I don’t want it to go away,
I need to forget him,
But I don’t want to lose my best memories of our time together!

I want to move on,
I really do.
But I am sacred that in focusing on moving on
I won’t remember his touch anymore,
I won’t remember how terribly good it felt,
How I would lose myself,
And how I was always sad to leave his presence

I am scared I’ll be those people who ask themselves,
‘What was I thinking?’
‘Why was I with him?’
I don’t want to get to that point
Not yet!
I say I want to move on,
But I still want to remember how electrifying it felt to be in his embrace,
How liberating and beautiful it felt dancing to ‘Perfect’.


I am scared I’ll forget,
And all the happy, consuming memories will be gone,
I am scared I’ll forget
I am sacred I’ll forget
I really am.