Stay strong
Is not as easy as they say
How can you stay strong
When you can barely stand up
How can you stay strong if the world pushes you down
Why even try if every step only brings more pressure
Every corner another monster to be defeated
How can I fight it if my forces have been drain
How can I overcome this if no one helps
"stay strong" they say
How can I 'stay' if I've never been strong

From my window I observe the beauty of this city
That I was born in  
From my window I watch the river being touch by the sun
Reflecting a light that illuminates the whole city
The light that travels through the streets and eliminates any kind of sadness
The colourful buildings mingle with nature...  
So softly
So unique

Just as only Lisbon can
If you hear closely
You can hear the singers singing their hearts out
Singing away their pain
While the guitar accompanies the rhythm of their voices
Echoing  
What beautiful melody

Lisbon blessed by Christ the Redeemer
Lisbon, my immortal city

Look at me now
Rising from the ground
Taking everything with me
No regrets
No remorse
No shame
What didn't **** me
It sure made me stronger
But it left some cracks
All of them are apart of me
Of who I am today
Scars of a battle that I've won
Medals that I carry with pride
Because if it wasn't for the past
I would never been this brave
Now I've regenerated from the ashes
My inner light shinning brighter than ever before
I've been reborn

I just want a hug
No questions
No whys
Just hold me for a few seconds
Let me feel your peace
And calm my soul

In the garden of life
We have flowers and treat them well
But in the end they always wither
So enjoy every drop watered
Each ray of sunshine
Each day
Every hour
Every second
Because as this flower withers
Only memories will remain

Bang Bang Bang
The only thing I can hear

Bang Bang Bang
The sound that you left me

Bang Bang Bang
Where your hand met my face

Bang Bang Bang
All the emotions disappeared

Bang Bang Bang
One more time

Bang Bang Bang
For the last time

After all this time I’m writing to you again
After everything that we had
After everything we created
Everything that we dreamt
Everything that we could ever be
Here I am writing to you

Wondering what thoughts will cross your mind
When you hold this in your hands
How will you react
Are you going to read it all
Trash it
Did you even opened it

Now I wonder how I would react if you wrote to me…
Pick up the daily letters
Bills and more bills
Water
Gas
Electricity
Then I notice a small envelope
A scruffy handwriting that I recognize
My hands are sweating
Trembling I open it
Wondering what you could possibly want to say after all this time

After all this time I’m writing to you again
After everything that we had
After everything we created
Everything that we dreamt
Everything that we could ever be
Here I am writing to you  

Wondering what thoughts will cross your mind  
When you hold this in your hands
How will you react
Are you going to read it all
Trash it  
Did you even opened it

Now I wonder how I would react if you wrote to me…
Pick up the daily letters
Bills and more bills
Water
Gas
Electricity
Then I notice a small envelope
A scruffy handwriting that I recognize
My hands are sweating
Trembling I open it  
Wondering what you could possibly want to say after all this time

After all this time I’m writing to you again
After everything that we had
After everything we created
Everything that we dreamt
Everything that we could ever be
Here I am writing to you  

I am sorry
I am sorry for all the pain that I have caused.
The voices in my head became demons
That slowly became me
I am sorry for what I stole
Future
Heart
Soul
I am sorry for the fights we had
Shouting.
Screaming.
I am sorry for leaving

After all this time I’m writing to you again
After everything that we had
After everything we created
Everything that we dreamt
Everything that we could ever be
Here I am writing to you

I look at the blank page
That is inviting me to write
I have a whirlwind of feelings
But no words to describe
I look for an emotional story
But nothing comes to mind
This is the time that the poet
Doesn't know what else to write
Lost his power to turn
Everything easier with a dozen rhymes
And a not so happily ever after ending
Now asks the poet
If the rhymes ran way or were stolen
Stolen by those who never read or value them
And so the poet stayed
With a blank sheet and a troubled soul

Let the dust settle
Let time pass to feel at ease
For now the thought
Takes me back to the moment
I  feel my head spinning
Like carousels at the fun fair

I need to breathe
I need space

I'm a bubble about to burst
To give in to fatigue
Ears covered so I do not listen to myself
I have so much on my mind
I don't have mind  for so much

I am heading out tonight without direction
Everything is a blur
I can feel myself loosing control
I am stuck in traffic, don't know where to go

There's no one to guide me
This path is just too long
I look at the map for guidance, but it's written in gibberish

These streets all look the same
Where should I go?
Which path should I take?
When there's no one to show me the way

Another day begins and I feel the same
What will I have to do to change?
I can't no longer stand
The silence around me has never been this loud

I could go left, but where is that going to lead me?
I could go right, but what future is that going to give me?
All I know is that
Everything is going to be alright
Because I have God here by my side

In this waiting room
My legs are shaking
My thoughts are spinning around
Waiting for my name to be called
For the solution to start
Standing outside the door
I take a deep breath
Knock knock
"Come in"
Voice inside answers
"What brought you here today?"
I've been practising this line for weeks but my voice still sounds shaken
"I need help, don't know what else to do"
I say, as I roll up my sleeves
A quick look and the expected question
"What lead you to that?"
I take a few moments to get myself together
I know this question was going to come
I try to explain what I don't understand myself
Tears roll down my eyes
I try to speak
My throat is sore
I can barely breath
He writes away on his computer
Occasionally looking at me
I wonder what he is typing?
What he is thinking?
I look at my fresh lines on my wrists
A crimson red that I learn to love and hate
"I'll give you some happy pills, it will make you feel a lot better"
I look at the bottle filled with little pills
That suppose to make me feel better
After three days
All the sadness
The despair
The anger is gone
But so is all the emotions
I feel like a zombie
I feel numb
I feel dead inside

The routine is always the same.
The bedroom door closed
Music so loud that
My scream cannot be heard  
One thing leads to the other
Before I know, I have tears down my eyes and a razor in my hand
I don't know how many times I promised myself that it would be the last time
Minutes later I hate myself
Why was I so weak?
I regret it with all my strength
But its the only thing that temporarily eases the emotional pain.
I wish I didn't do this,
But there I am again,
Closing the door and let emotions flow just like the blood down my wrists...

Want to cry but my tears are drained.
Want to scream but my voice gets quiet.
Want to run but my legs are paralysed.
Everything becomes still, except my thoughts...

It feels like I am under water and I can barely breath.

I am slowing drowning, but people around me look just fine.

I cry for help but more water enters my heavy lungs.

People stare at me in disbelieve, do they think I am joking?

Another wave comes and the panic grows bigger.

My arms are getting weaker and I can feel my body sinking...

I have nothing left, but hope, so I pray, pray for a God that minutes ago I didn't believe in.

I give all that I have remaining. I cry my heart out for Him, only a miracle would save me...

I thought that was it, I would drown and nobody would even notice.

I take a glance around me and I was closer to shore. I could hear people shouting and having fun.

I was swimming...

My weak arms had gain strength, they were moving, one by one.

The Lord gave me the power to choose weather I would save myself or not...

I spent the days imploring to our Lord
To take my life
Because my soul didn't deserve salvation
At night in my room,
hidden,
quietly crying,
praying that in the morning my eyes would open no more
Regularly in my hand was a blade.
Rebuking,
Punishing my body
for the infinite faults I saw.
Each day my world darker.
With no solution.
Far away I saw a light.
Small and little it lid.
But the more I believe the more it grew.
Then I realised.
He was always there,
my selfishness blinding me from the truth.
I was scared to give myself to the Saviour
but in the end I understood,
that was no blade that was going to save me, no punishment to make me feel better.
But only a question of faith. Was I going to open my eyes for a new day?

Until it happens to you, you won’t know how it feels.
You won’t know the fear of having to cross the room while all eyes are on you;
How your legs shake and you can barely stand up;
How your head keeps telling you to not do anything stupid, to just be quick:
Your heart beats faster and you can feel your cheeks turning red:
You imagine their thoughts
“What’s wrong with her?”
“Why is she walking like that?”
“Why is she trying so hard?”
Their thoughts fill your head with insecurity…
But you have to make it look as you are doing something natural, which in reality you are
But not for you that over thinks every breath, every action….
Sometimes you are afraid they can hear your thoughts
Hearing you practise every word you are going to say
Worry about how you are going to say it
When you are going to say it
She was a single drop in an immense ocean
Everyone was ready to judge every action
Until that happens to you
Don’t go around ******* judging people
Your words are like stones thrown to a river…
How deep do they go?

After all this time I’m writing to you again
After everything that we had
After everything we created
Everything that we dreamt
Everything that we could ever be
Here I am writing to you  

Wondering what thoughts will cross your mind  
When you hold this in your hands
How will you react
Are you going to read it all
Trash it  
Did you even opened it

Now I wonder how I would react if you wrote to me…
Pick up the daily letters
Bills and more bills
Water
Gas
Electricity
Then I notice a small envelope
A scruffy handwriting that I recognize
My hands are sweating
Trembling I open it  
Wondering what you could possibly want to say after all this time

It isn´t what you said
That hurt me the most
But the things that you
Didn't say
But even that doesn't hurt
As much as the way you look at me
With that ***** look of yours
When i am lacking
Lacking a hug
When sadness has taken over me
My eyes filled tears
I can't fake a smile anymore  
Tears keep rolling down
It's getting worst
And you know it
"It's not my business"
You say
As you leave me to drown in my tears

It was over
In a space of a heartbeat
Gone
Just like that
It was over

With tears down his eyes
He struggles to speak
Saying everything would be alright
As long as I stayed by his side
But is that what I want?
Is that what I need?
Would I feel safe sleeping in his arms
Knowing what he did that night?
Would I be able to forgive him?
Would I be able to forget?
Can I look at him the same way?
Has he really changed
Or is just pretending to be who he is not
Are the tears down his face full of regret?
How can I trust him now
When there's so much to loose
And not a lot to gain
Will time ease the pain
Or only grow everyday?
Look at us now
Breaking all the promises we made that day
Crashing all the dreams we were meant to follow
Throwing everything away
Look at him now
Begging me to stay
Kneeling before him as if I am his queen
Tears rolling down his eyes
His voice cracking he attempts to speak
"I want.. To.. Change.. F..for.. You"
I want to give him a chance
But I know better
It's like he forgot what he did

Can you hear my silent scream,
in the middle of this riot?
Can you stop the tears that are rolling down my eyes and burning my face?
Can you hear the voices shouting so loud everything becomes quiet, can't you hear them?
Can you see my body is shaking with fear. Can you help me see the light, when all I see is darkness?
I gasp for air, air that burns my heavy lungs.
Can you help me fight this battle against the monsters within me?
Can you sew my open wounds that bleed everyday?
Can you help me start a revolution in me? No, you can't. I must be lying...