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Cesar Genao Dec 2024
I hate my emotions.
It’s like I don’t have control
over what I feel.

Sometimes,
I’m just sad
for no reason.

Sometimes,
I’m just mad
for no reason.

I wish my emotions would stop
doing what they want.

Sometimes,
I feel things
and I can’t even explain what I feel,
and it makes me sick,
like a sinking feeling
in your gut.
It’s super weird.
I hate it a lot.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Sometimes,
I’m not even thinking about anything sad,
but
I feel so horrible.

I don’t know
if there’s a medicine for this.
I’ve already been declared not bipolar,
so I guess my emotions just hate me.

F*ck Inside Out.
Cesar Genao Dec 2024
It’s like everything that you felt joy for
Music
Games
Love
It’s all nothing.

That fiery passion you had for music and art
Gone,
Like it was never there.
And now you feel empty,
Hollow.

It’s like a gaping hole in your chest,
In your soul,
And there’s nothing that can fill it.

You don’t want to eat.
You don’t want to drink.
You don’t want to sleep.
You don’t want to stay awake.
You don’t want to live.
You don’t want to die.

You don’t want to want anything.
You don’t want to not want anything.
You don’t want.

What do I want?
I want to find a cure,
A potion,
A spell,
Anything,
So I can stop feeling so empty,
So hollow
Cesar Genao Dec 2024
I’m tired.
I want to sleep.
Sleeping is when I don’t feel bad.
I don’t even remember my dreams either.
I just know
that I feel a lot better sleeping
than how I do staying awake.
I can’t do any work.
I’m too tired to care.
I’m too tired to eat.
I’m too tired to walk.
I’m too tired to speak.
I’m too tired to do anything.
I don’t want to be in reality anymore.
Maybe I’ll just start sleeping,
on purpose,
even when I’m not tired,
just so I can be somewhere else,
somewhere that’s not here.
And I don’t have to worry about school,
about music,
about my future,
about my looks,
about my friends,
about anything.
I’ll just do
what I want,
and when I want to do it.
And what I want
is nothing,
except feeling good.
Cesar Genao Dec 2024
I would consider myself a misfit.
I don’t really fit in anywhere or with anyone.
I can vibe with people and feel comfortable in places,
but nothing ever really feels like home.

I don’t have a clique at school
or even one definitive friend group.
Even in larger social groups I’m sorta in,
I’m different.

I’m in my school’s debate club,
and I really love it;
I consider myself a good debater.
But even then, I usually hang by myself.
I’ll talk to someone if I have to,
or sometimes I’ll force myself to talk—
to feel normal.

I’m nerdy, but I wouldn’t call myself a nerd.
I actually don’t know what I am.
So many people have their own ideas about who I am
or who they think I should be,
and I don’t think I truly fit any of them

Nobody likes to hear “interesting” nowadays

well, I like to.
I view myself as an anomaly, almost.
I don’t feel like I belong here,
and I’m not sure what I’m like
in every sense.

I’m struggling to find where I belong,
but until then,
I’ll just pretend that I do.
Cesar Genao Dec 2024
I don’t think I can ever tell my friends
how much I love them.

I don’t really think they’d understand.

Sometimes, I love them so much
I think I’m selfish,
because if it were my way,
we would spend the rest of eternity—

playing games,
watching videos,
on call.

The only time I really feel happy,
or at least one of the only times anyway.

Is that selfish?

Because, like—
They have futures,
other people to spend time with.

I think that might be selfish,
if we didn’t have school,
so we could call all day.

Although,
I guess it’s dumb to assume
that’s what they want to do all day.

Roblox is only so much fun, I guess.

But for me, though,
that might be paradise,
because if I wasn’t—
I might lose another thing I love.
Cesar Genao Dec 2024
I never liked poetry.
Well, not never liked,
I just never got into it.

So I wonder why I love doing it so much.

I got into music,
even though I can’t sing.
I can’t rap.
I can only play a bit of piano.

I guess I have almost no musical talent.
I just love writing lyrics.

I love writing and rhyming,
so maybe I love poetry.

I don’t know any poets, though.
I know Shakespeare
and Edgar Allan Poe.
That’s pretty much it.

Does that make me some kind of poetry fraud?

I thought about being a poet a lot,
but nobody really cares about poetry anymore.
I don’t know anyone that would care—
even I didn’t care for the longest time.

I doubt it pays well,
so I might just be stuck with music.

I want to do poetry, though.
These poems
has been the most fulfilling thing
I’ve ever done in my life.

And I just started writing
and nobody knows about it.
Cesar Genao Dec 2024
I hate loud noises.
I really appreciate when it’s quiet.

Ever since the asylum,
I can’t stand loud noises,
especially if they’re sudden.

Gets me scared,
sad,
and then mad.

When it’s quiet,
I can think clearly.
I can do things better.
I can be more relaxed.

It’s ironic.
I feel like most people would say
I’m a loud person,
and I’ll give them that.
I can be loud sometimes,
when I’m excited.

But I still love the quiet.
I like being able to think.
When it’s too loud,
I feel like I’m losing it.

I’ve been listening to some quieter music.
Mitski is really good.

They say I have a rock voice,
but I’d rather whisper-sing instead.
Maybe that’s what I’ll do.

I love the quiet.
It’s never the perfect amount, though.
Cesar Genao Dec 2024
I want to be something
something important
someone important. I want to prove why I’m different,
why I’m here,
why I matter.
I’m so scared.
I don’t want everyone who believed in me,
wasted their time on me,
to be disappointed.
I’m scared of being nothing.
But wouldn’t life be so much better
if I could be something,
something for me or for them.
I don’t know anymore.
I never truly know anything anyway.
People say I’m talented,
that I can make it.
I’m not sure I believe them.
I’m not sure I believe anything.
Why should I?
I’d much rather play pretend,
pretend that I’m something,
that I’m on that stage.
But honestly,
maybe it’s better to be nothing—
makes dying a whole lot easier.

— The End —