selfish
the feeling that arises
when I cry
while you were the one
who was crying all along
no-one batting an eye
I always liked your smile
when you walked by

it is crazy to think
you are now gone
but if this is what gives you peace
we shall not mourn
for too long

Rest In Peace

the paper towel, the sound
your grinning face
as you took the life,
of the innocent fly

the words you used for your ******
were the same I used for mine

‘there are enough flies here anyway’

as I checked the number of the human population
grabbing my towel too,
while grinning in the mirror

one fly less today

Block , unblock
I cry and I check
Has your profile picture yet appeared
Can you send me a text back

I have blocked you
About 9 times since we broke it off
I unblocked you 10 times too
A gesture indicating hope

Or as my friends like to say
Stupidity
Do not beg, do not wait
I know I know

But have some faith!
Maybe he will text me
When he is done with her
When he finally realises my worth
We can go back to the way we were

Yeah, I might block you again tonight
I blocked all of your friends
You know, I actually might

This block is just a distraction
A means to get through another day
But I just hope that one day you will say
'hey, how are you doing? I've missed you too'

I have been trying to feel nothing about what happened.
I am afraid that if I begin to feel, I won't be able to bear it.
I am afraid that the emotion will be like a wave ******* me under.

It's not the first awful thing I have endured and pushed into the back of my brain.

That's how I've been coping, and if there's another, better way,
I do not know it.

it comes and goes in waves
the clarity slips
out of my hands
out of my mind
I try to re-find it
every single time

people laughing
kids dancing
and making happy noises

it gets under my skin
as it does not feel right
for people to take up so much space
where you left a gaping hole

we should all be quiet
and take a moment off

I wish an hourglass
could stop its sand

I wish a clock
could stop its ticking

I wish I could go back to a moment
when you weren't gone

why do all these people just move on?

I'd love to see your room
I'm sorry
was that a bit too upfront?

I'd like to see your room
but only if that's okay with you
I would enjoy knowing
where it is you display your perfume

I would like to see your books
please show me all your silly knick knacks
and your cozy nooks

I love seeing how you have stacked
your ***** and clean laundry on a chair
you shoved it off of it for me

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare
at this picture of you and your niece
why on earth do you have the packaging framed of your favourite cheese

I love seeing all these bits and pieces
of what makes you, you
I know it does not show me all
but at least it gives me a clue

please do not clean or tidy your room for me
please just let it be

my mother told me it is childlike
to have a wish like this
but seeing someones bedroom, to me
is more intimate than a kiss

I do not remember how it started
well, actually, I do not remember it ever ending
the many thoughts I have about you every day

A friend of yours told me you broke up with her
and deleted your social media too
I guess it fell through
I might have been the one who blocked you,
and not the other way around
but either way, deleting you from my social media felt like I drowned

In a way it felt good others cant have you either
they cannot see your smile, they cannot see your photos
but they also cannot see your dark side,
or the way you lied

I feel a bit evil when i think
'good, I hope he feels like ****''
I hope his hands hurt from writing away his feelings,
and beating himself up
I hope his eyes hurt too,
from sleeping too little and crying too much
I hope everything that reminds him of her, or me
well me, if he ever thinks of me,
hurts him too

****, I'd love to say i do not miss you one bit
but i do

you started living near me
it hurt
nothing is mine
you consume me
my flat is yours
my supermarket is yours
my hometown is yours
my eyes are yours,
when i check if I will come across you
my thoughts are yours
my music taste is yours
my highschool years are yours
it is all yours
you took all of it
like a thief
you stole whatever innocence i had
they should jail you for that
but with your smirk and friendly blue eyes they never would

but i hope your mind, your thoughts
are your own jail
i hope you are trapped there forever
being tortured by what you have done

i do not hope you die, but i hope you suffer
i hope every day feels like a rainy, gloomy and sad day for you
i hope you suffer
and i hope you call me
i am still waiting
i am hoping
i hope dust collects a bit too quickly in your room
and your favourite parfume always runs out, just a bit too soon

i did see you today
i am not sure if you saw me too
i walked past you twice
pretending to check the price
of some bread i could see when i was facing you
well
i hope i will never see you again
well at least not like this
i would love to see you smile
i would love to see your soft side
i would love for you to call me
but you hurt me
so now i hope, you cry yourself asleep too

i will not hurt myself, to cut away the hurt you gave me
whenever i feel that urge, i just start praying, you feel hurt too

what if
I would've texted you the day before
what if
you would've gotten a compliment or two more
would it have made you feel any better?

powerless

I have questions for you, but I hate that I do

I hate that I didn't,
help you

She hit herself
She cried
"It is all my fault"
"You would all be better off without me"

I cry too, for this little girl has grown up to hate herself and I have not been able to stop her. I genuinely do not know what to do.

At certain moments, when I see her holding up her head with her hands, not even bothering to wipe the tears from her face, I can feel my heart breaking too.

I was once this little girl, with my eyes full of tears.
How can I love her so much? I feel my heart. How can she hate herself? Seeing her break, makes me fall apart.

“It had never occurred to me
that our lives,
which had been so closely interwoven,
could unravel with such speed.

If I’d known, maybe I’d have kept tighter hold of them,
and not let unseen tides pull us apart.”

― Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go

You were always loving me "despite"
I needed you to love me "because"

The whispers, the talks
The cries I’ve had
The pain I felt
The blade and my skin
The paper and the pencil
And the door shut
- a closed chapter

I've glued together so many papers
crossed out so many words
That sometimes I worry
If my story
Will be understood

But maybe it's a diary
And maybe it's not mine
What if it was yours?
And I crossed out so many lines

Would you feel anger
Because you'd be misunderstood?
Or maybe sigh with relief
Because i saved you from
Remembering
Your childhood

a beautiful bee
which made people smile,
when they happened to see,

the greenish-blue sea
feeling the sun on your skin
drinking some nice tea

the feeling when your parents
accept your sexuality

maybe even going to Italy
reading a book
while drinking some really good coffee

oh honey,
I hope you will see a lot of bees

i'm too sweet for you
you go to bed at three
i tried being a night owl
but i like morning me

you were the first to offer me some whiskey
you told me you liked it neat
i tried playing it risky
but this is not me

i like to be in bed by 9
i like to drink some tea
please hand me my new favourite book
while I listen to the birds in my neighbour's tree

i'm not going to tell you how to live your life
or to be grateful for the sunlight
that falls onto your skin
but my patience is worn thin

so you go and enjoy your late night coffee
and your whiskey too
i hope you get everything you've ever wanted
and that we may both meet someone new

I wish I could catch it
and put it in a tiny bottle
that moment
When you swim in the sea

It's not very warm
and you left your towel under a not-so-nearby tree

You're a little cold
but the adrenaline-kick keeps bringing you back to reality

the last words to yourself before you dive
no stress or worries
you don't think of anybody
you just feel the salty water reaching your nose and ears
and the water pushing you back to the beach

and quickly you get an indelible smile
it's nice every once in a while

Drip.. drip..
I felt the water falling on my
my toes and disappearing
into the ground.
I looked at the sky and I saw them coming;
the raindrops.
That would run off my body and help the flowers to grow.

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum
waking up every night

I wake up at 3
feeling you too close to me
your hands touched places

I try to get some sleep

I wake up at 5
They say the body keeps the score
Adrenaline
Fight or ..

Freeze
I wake up at 7
I cannot do this any longer

'You look tired'
Yeahh I know, it's just them pills
They cause my nightmares
Haha yeah just some odd dreams, I'll try to get some sleep tonight, thanks

I honestly thought I would be over it by now
How foolish of me
To think the marks you left on my body, could ever leave my mind

I cannot even get some ******* sleep
It's been three **** years
But boys will be boys
And yes means yes
And no means yes too

Walking down the street
Wishing I would’ve seen you earlier
In the peachy colours of a sunrise on a beach
The sweet pink that would hide your imperfections
The light red that would set me on fire
longing for you
And the sound of the waves pulling you closer to me
I still wish
That that was the way we would’ve met
Maybe then we would’ve had a chance

Falsifiability: "the capacity for some proposition, statement, theory or hypothesis to be proven wrong".

Hypothesis: "I cannot be loved."

To love or not to love
I do not let myself be loved
If you do not love me, I will say
'I completely understand sir, have a great day!'

However, one day I was giggling with a friend, and I noticed I was wary
I could not understand
How she could love me so effortlessly

I did not trust it
I did not believe
That anyone could love me This much
Shé must be very naive

Maybe Karl Popper was on to something
And Stephen Chbosky was too

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

we spoke. finally.

I had been seeing you around lately.
and with each time I saw you,
my hands trembled a little less.

and then we spoke. it was not just a 'hi'.
we exchanged a few words, and went on with our day
well you did. I have been stuck on that day for a week or two

and then I went out tonight. I couldn't sleep. I wanted some fresh air and to be outside of my room, a box where my thoughts get trapped.

I stumbled upon you, at your balcony. How. Why. You?

we spoke. laughed a bit. and finally I did it. something I had been meaning to say, each time I saw you. you gave me the perfect opportunity, by asking me why I do not work at the same place you do.
I said, it's because of you.

I told you about the impact your actions have had on me in the past year. I told you, and in my mind a voice told me not to. to not seek validation and recognition from you. and I did it. I could not forgive myself if I did not try.

and you were, well, kind.
it felt like I could breathe again, after a year of drowning in my pain.

last week a friend of mine told me, people that have hurt you, or that do not deserve to be in your life anymore, dissappear. "life has a way of removing these people from your life".

the first person I thought of was you. who could be so cruel as to let you move into my building, work at a place I go to too. if there was a God, it felt like he punished me with you. why did life not remove you?

I was looking at it all wrong. I had a part of me that I had to heal, and I could not do that, without at least trying to talk to you.

thank you. I appreciate and accept your apology, and the way you spoke. you did not accuse me of lying, or did not try to make it into a joke. I appreciate you seeing me and my pain, and you did not look at me in disdain. thank you for acknowledging my feelings, and letting them be there. and thanks for letting me be angry, and sad too. I know hearing these words could've been ******* you too.

i remember once reading a poem along the lines of
''losing someone, is also losing the parts of yourself that only they could bring out in you''

and that line continuously pops up in my mind from time to time
i think i mixed up the wording,
and took away the original meaning of it
but i made it, as i see fit

i have shaped the words to fit my person
to fit my life too
like used clay that gets made wet
and shaped into something new

every time i lose a person
this is what i think of

it seems painful and cruel to admit
that it did not necessarily hurt losing you
it just stings, knowing i lost some of me too
a part of me that i got to know because of our connection
but you took me in an unsafe and unwanted direction

a unique mix of events brought us together
when we coexisted, it brought out different parts of me
when i was with you, it was the only moments i could see
a part of me i liked, and wanted to explore
but getting to know me, meant having to be around you more

so i chose to lose a part of me, instead of hurting all parts of me i know
getting to know myself might slow
but that sacrifice i am willing to make
as to not slowly and fully break

all my friends, and neighbours shower me with words of grace and serenity
they tell me, it gets better! you will be okay!
according to them, time will heal all wounds I carry with me
and i just can't help but pity them
for believing such lies

do they really believe these words they repeat all the time?
or is it just grasping onto the fairy tales that they wish they could call 'mine'

and i feel so distanced from them
the distance grows each time they repeat such a cliché
they do not seem to understand, that yes, life gets better
however, i have seen it get way worse too
life does not follow the rules of exponential growth
as it is bound to the trend of the waves,
of the endless and mighty ocean

life gets better, and it gets worse too
we do not have a say in which way life goes
no one ever truly knows

I have liked him for a long time
I hope one day hé would be mine
Every time id make a move
Hé would find someting to prove
To me that it would never work
And eventhough I knew my worth
I tried and tried and tried
While I hoped, and prayed and cried
Hé must have changed his mind

Cuz hé asked me to meet
And when I did I expected nothing more than to greed
Each other
I expected him to be with someone other

But nothing was more untrue
Because he said; 'I want you'
And from happiness I wanted twirle
I wanted to be his girl

So I met with him a few more times
Until I met a change in tides
He wanted to see me,
But only when the sun had set
He wanted to please me,
But only when he wanted his needs to be met

So I though and talked and wept
It consumed my mind so much I hardly slept
I started to see every sign
That signaled he never wanted to be mine

He wanted me to be his girl
He wanted me to twirl
So he could be entertained
So he could be maintained

Bu he never wanted to be with me
He never wanted to know me
Never wanted to listen to me
He only wanted to use me

So I set myself free
I give myself my dignity
I had lost it, this time
But I do not want him to be mine
Again, anymore

I'll listen to me, this time
I promise myself from now on
to listen to my soul
For evermore

Hidden

I enrolled this year
no doubt, no fear
well, not concerning my course at least

i went to campus
most days
which became some days
which became just tuesdays

what am i doing here?
i understood it
when i walked back to my place
i do not want to call it a home

that's why i am here
learning how to be okay
with growing up on my own