Drip.. drip..
I felt the water falling on my
my toes and disappearing
into the ground.
I looked at the sky and I saw them coming;
the raindrops.
That would run off my body and help the flowers to grow.

Walking down the street
Wishing I would’ve seen you earlier
In the peachy colours of a sunrise on a beach
The sweet pink that would hide your imperfections
The light red that would set me on fire
longing for you
And the sound of the waves pulling you closer to me
I still wish
That that was the way we would’ve met
Maybe then we would’ve had a chance

we spoke. finally.

I had been seeing you around lately.
and with each time I saw you,
my hands trembled a little less.

and then we spoke. it was not just a 'hi'.
we exchanged a few words, and went on with our day
well you did. I have been stuck on that day for a week or two

and then I went out tonight. I couldn't sleep. I wanted some fresh air and to be outside of my room, a box where my thoughts get trapped.

I stumbled upon you, at your balcony. How. Why. You?

we spoke. laughed a bit. and finally I did it. something I had been meaning to say, each time I saw you. you gave me the perfect opportunity, by asking me why I do not work at the same place you do.
I said, it's because of you.

I told you about the impact your actions have had on me in the past year. I told you, and in my mind a voice told me not to. to not seek validation and recognition from you. and I did it. I could not forgive myself if I did not try.

and you were, well, kind.
it felt like I could breathe again, after a year of drowning in my pain.

last week a friend of mine told me, people that have hurt you, or that do not deserve to be in your life anymore, dissappear. "life has a way of removing these people from your life".

the first person I thought of was you. who could be so cruel as to let you move into my building, work at a place I go to too. if there was a God, it felt like he punished me with you. why did life not remove you?

I was looking at it all wrong. I had a part of me that I had to heal, and I could not do that, without at least trying to talk to you.

thank you. I appreciate and accept your apology, and the way you spoke. you did not accuse me of lying, or did not try to make it into a joke. I appreciate you seeing me and my pain, and you did not look at me in disdain. thank you for acknowledging my feelings, and letting them be there. and thanks for letting me be angry, and sad too. I know hearing these words could've been ******* you too.

i remember once reading a poem along the lines of
''losing someone, is also losing the parts of yourself that only they could bring out in you''

and that line continuously pops up in my mind from time to time
i think i mixed up the wording,
and took away the original meaning of it
but i made it, as i see fit

i have shaped the words to fit my person
to fit my life too
like used clay that gets made wet
and shaped into something new

every time i lose a person
this is what i think of

it seems painful and cruel to admit
that it did not necessarily hurt losing you
it just stings, knowing i lost some of me too
a part of me that i got to know because of our connection
but you took me in an unsafe and unwanted direction

a unique mix of events brought us together
when we coexisted, it brought out different parts of me
when i was with you, it was the only moments i could see
a part of me i liked, and wanted to explore
but getting to know me, meant having to be around you more

so i chose to lose a part of me, instead of hurting all parts of me i know
getting to know myself might slow
but that sacrifice i am willing to make
as to not slowly and fully break

all my friends, and neighbours shower me with words of grace and serenity
they tell me, it gets better! you will be okay!
according to them, time will heal all wounds I carry with me
and i just can't help but pity them
for believing such lies

do they really believe these words they repeat all the time?
or is it just grasping onto the fairy tales that they wish they could call 'mine'

and i feel so distanced from them
the distance grows each time they repeat such a cliché
they do not seem to understand, that yes, life gets better
however, i have seen it get way worse too
life does not follow the rules of exponential growth
as it is bound to the trend of the waves,
of the endless and mighty ocean

life gets better, and it gets worse too
we do not have a say in which way life goes
no one ever truly knows

I do not remember how it started
well, actually, I do not remember it ever ending
the many thoughts I have about you every day

A friend of yours told me you broke up with her
and deleted your social media too
I guess it fell through
I might have been the one who blocked you,
and not the other way around
but either way, deleting you from my social media felt like I drowned

In a way it felt good others cant have you either
they cannot see your smile, they cannot see your photos
but they also cannot see your dark side,
or the way you lied

I feel a bit evil when i think
'good, I hope he feels like ****''
I hope his hands hurt from writing away his feelings,
and beating himself up
I hope his eyes hurt too,
from sleeping too little and crying too much
I hope everything that reminds him of her, or me
well me, if he ever thinks of me,
hurts him too

****, I'd love to say i do not miss you one bit
but i do

you started living near me
it hurt
nothing is mine
you consume me
my flat is yours
my supermarket is yours
my hometown is yours
my eyes are yours,
when i check if I will come across you
my thoughts are yours
my music taste is yours
my highschool years are yours
it is all yours
you took all of it
like a thief
you stole whatever innocence i had
they should jail you for that
but with your smirk and friendly blue eyes they never would

but i hope your mind, your thoughts
are your own jail
i hope you are trapped there forever
being tortured by what you have done

i do not hope you die, but i hope you suffer
i hope every day feels like a rainy, gloomy and sad day for you
i hope you suffer
and i hope you call me
i am still waiting
i am hoping
i hope dust collects a bit too quickly in your room
and your favourite parfume always runs out, just a bit too soon

i did see you today
i am not sure if you saw me too
i walked past you twice
pretending to check the price
of some bread i could see when i was facing you
well
i hope i will never see you again
well at least not like this
i would love to see you smile
i would love to see your soft side
i would love for you to call me
but you hurt me
so now i hope, you cry yourself asleep too

i will not hurt myself, to cut away the hurt you gave me
whenever i feel that urge, i just start praying, you feel hurt too

Block , unblock
I cry and I check
Has your profile picture yet appeared
Can you send me a text back

I have blocked you
About 9 times since we broke it off
I unblocked you 10 times too
A gesture indicating hope

Or as my friends like to say
Stupidity
Do not beg, do not wait
I know I know

But have some faith!
Maybe he will text me
When he is done with her
When he finally realises my worth
We can go back to the way we were

Yeah, I might block you again tonight
I blocked all of your friends
You know, I actually might

This block is just a distraction
A means to get through another day
But I just hope that one day you will say
'hey, how are you doing? I've missed you too'