Looking back, I deserved a kinder goodbye
Looking back, there were so many incompatibilities
Looking back, I had to change myself to fit for you
Looking back, you didn’t treat me how I wanted
Looking back, I had to bend myself to keep you
Looking back, I did everything I could to keep you but you left anyway
Looking back, I still don’t understand why it hurts
Thinking now, I have a guy who treats me like a princess
Thinking now; I have a guy who listens, understands, and comforts me when I need it
Thinking now, I have a guy who seems more compatible
Thinking now, I have a guy who I don’t feel like I need to change myself
Thinking now, I have a guy who I don’t feel like I have to bend myself to keep him
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports me
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports my dreams
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports me following my dreams
Thinking now, I have a guy who appreciates me
Thinking now, I have a guy who is better than you ever could be
So why do I think about you still?
Why does it still hurt?

My life feels like I always take two steps forward then four steps back
I graduate high school when I thought I wouldn’t, two steps forward
I live on my own, two steps forward
I get into college and attend for two years, two steps forward
I then drop out on a whim, four steps back
I take action to try to improve my mental health, two steps forward
I’ve been having mental health problems for nine years now and hasn’t been improving lately, four steps back
Multiple suicide attempts, four steps back
Quitting jobs left and right, four steps back
Relationships failing left and right, four steps back
Everyone leaving me left and right, four steps back
I wish my life wasn’t two steps forward four steps back anymore.

To stand alone is difficult
To battle alone is almost impossible
I’ve been called strong, but it’s hard to be strong alone
I’m tired of keeping my head up high by myself
The amount of times I’ve pleaded to my fathers grave to help me be strong
I know I may be more privileged than others but no one should have to stand alone
No one stands by my side
No one backs me up
I have no one
And yet here I stand alone; trying to make it through today, then tomorrow, and the next
Trying to what’s right
Trying to not seek for approval
Trying to pursue my dreams
But yet I feel as if I’m on an island, team of one
Even though I have people behind me
Ever since last year I never reach out
And so I continue to be a team of one.

I hope my absence hurts you as much as it hurt me when you left
I hope my absence leaves a void that shall never be filled
I hope my absence leaves you feeling unfulfilled
I hope my absence stings like a hornet
I hope my absence feels like putting lemon juice onto a open cut
I hope my absence feels like a broken bone
I hope my absence feels like a dagger cutting deep but not killing you
I hope my absence leaves you in agony
I hope my absence leaves you in anguish
I hope my absence does not bring you peace
I hope my absence does not bring you happiness
I hope my happiness is sickening
I hope my flourishing is sickening
I hope my peace is sickening
I hope your heart breaks everytime I smile
I hope you rot in my absence.

Insignificant
Talentless
Failure
Worthless
Disappointment
Stupid
­Unworthy
Unloveable
Burden
Ugly
Useless
Weak
Bad friend
No one cares
Never good enough
I have no purpose
I deserve to die
I want to die.

I’ve been told I’m kind
I’ve been told I’m selfless
But as soon as I set a boundary I’m the bad guy
I’m sick of being walked all over
I’m sick of being taken advantage of
I’m sick of bending over backwards
I’m not the bad guy, or at least I try not to be
I don’t want to be the bad guy but you make me out to be
Stop making me out to be the bad guy, cause that’s just the wrong definition of me.

It’s so hard to live,
when you so badly want to die
Emotions high to low and low to high
You always seem like the bad guy
Chasing others to not be left behind
Everyone says “it’s all in your mind”
Feeling things more than everyone else
Never knowing who I am
Always feeling like a sham
Impulsive and out of control
I never feel whole
Feeling so empty and alone
And I’m scared to feel this way all on my own.

I just wish I could’ve said goodbye
I know he wasn’t perfect
I know we fought
I know we had problems
But I loved him
I felt that his love was unconditional
I wish I could’ve warned him
I wish it was me who was taken instead
I wish I could know he’s not disappointed in me
I wish I could talk to him about all my problems instead of talking to a headstone
I wish I could cry in his arms
I wish I could’ve said goodbye.

I’m tired of hearing people tell me “there are plenty of fish in the sea”
When I’m underwater drowning
I’m tired of hearing people tell me “love will come when you least expect it”
When I’m tired of waiting
I’m tired of hearing people tell me “you need to focus on yourself first”
When I’ve spent so much time alone
I’m tired of hearing people tell me “you need to learn to love yourself and love will come to you”
When I feel like I do love myself
Stop telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea
When I’m drowning.

Alone
Trapped with my own thoughts
Mind racing
Heart aching
I don’t know what to do
I’m trying, but I feel lost
Surrounded by darkness with no light to follow
Stumbling around
Tripping and falling, scuffing my limbs on the floor
Directionless
Hopeless
Alone, trapped with my own thoughts.

Sadness
Grieving
Fear
Loneliness
Maybe it would be better for everyone including myself if I was dead
I try so hard
I really do
But it never seems to be enough
It never seems to get recognized
No one tells me they are glad I’m here
That they’re proud of me
I continue to struggle alone
And no one sees me
No one sees my pain
My hurt
My struggle
My stress
My cries for help
I’m really trying
But I’m just so tired of trying
I’m tired of struggling
I’m sick of this pain
Of this hurt
Of everything
Yes there’s some great things about life
But the future looks so bleak.

Betrayal
Partners are supposed to be there for you
Thick and thin
Good and bad
Beautiful and ugly
You left though
You left when I needed you most
Betrayal
How heartless could you possibly be?
I needed you
I needed you.

Fear
Fear flows throughout me
My broken heart is scared to try again
Scared to let someone in again
Scared to be vulnerable again
Scared to open up
Scared to be the true me
Scared to ***** it up again
Fear.

The feel of the books pages
That fresh new book smell, almost like smelling a good bowl of soup
As I read it seems to play in my mind like a movie
The story beautiful
The words feel like my own
But I snap back to reality
It’s not my story
And once again I’m finding comfort in the pages of someone else’s story.

If I could forget
Would I want to?
The way you treated me
How nice it was
The way I blame myself
The way I also blame you
How sad I feel
How angry I am
If I could forget
Would I want to?
They say everything happens for a reason
They say it’s supposed to make you stronger
They say it makes you the person you are today
If I could forget.

I feel unsure
I feel scared
I feel hopeless
I feel hurt
I feel stuck
I feel lonely
I feel lost
I feel sad
My heart is heavy, and my thoughts won’t quit
Part of me wishes I never took those pills
Maybe things would be different
Another part wishes I didn’t call 911
Why does it have to hurt so much?
Why do I feel this pit in my stomach?
Almost as if I had a dagger plunged through my torso
How am I to cope?
When will the pain stop?
I feel like I’ve tried for so many years to get better, but I’m in this never ending cycle
It gets better, and I start to feel pretty good
And then it gets bad again
I just want it to stop
Why won’t it stop?
Please make it stop
I can’t take it anymore
All I want is to be loved truly, for once
I don’t understand why no one can
Why is it so hard to love me?
Why am I too much work to be worth it?
I just can’t seem to do anything right, no matter how hard I seem to try
I feel like no one understands
I feel like no one cares
I feel like a burden
I’ve hurt so many people around me just because I’m struggling
I feel like no one would care if I was gone
I feel like it would be better for everyone if I was gone.

I thought you were the love of my life
I wanted to marry you, and I thought you wanted to marry me
Partners are supposed to help you through the good and the bad
When I was at a low point in my life why did you pull away?
Why did you leave?
Roles reversed I would’ve been more there for you
I would’ve tried anything and everything to make you feel better
I truly loved you unconditionally
But why was yours conditional?
Even though we both were struggling I was there when you needed me
A shoulder to cry on
Someone to listen
I wanted to give you the sun, moon, and stars if I could’ve
Or I would’ve died trying
You had all of my heart in your hands
Then one day you looked me dead in the eye
Glass heart in hand, and let go
It shatters into pieces
And I’m left trying to piece them back together alone.

I feel a sharp pain course through my body
I gasp and clutch my stomach wound
Falling into the cold dark cave behind me
Silence surrounds me
I feel lost and scared
Weakness fills my body
No more hope
No more light
The wound in my stomach continues to bleed
I’m running out of time
In order to survive I must let you go
But how could I?
Even though you inflicted this pain upon me
I still hold you dear in my heart
The memories we made
The love that we shared
It was all gone
Now it’s just me dying in a cave, waiting for you to come back
But I must get up
I cannot die now.

I am stuck, I cannot move
It is dark, cold, and quiet
I am a prisoner between these four walls
The only sounds I hear are the chains clanking on the ground when I move
I screamed for so many years, yet no one could hear
I’ve spent so many nights crying wishing I were dead
The chains around my wrists feel like they’re getting tighter
I feel hopeless and lie down just wanting for it to end
Tears start to fill my eyes and I pray that I just die
But just when I’m ready to give up, an angel appears by my side
His presence feels calm yet empowering
His voice is soothing and kind
He says, “Your story is not over yet, I believe in you.”
My chains suddenly feel lighter and I feel like I might be able to break free
With the little strength I have I sit up and fiddle with the clasps around my wrists
The angel motions my attention towards something
My eyes widen with hope
It’s my chains attached to the wall but one looks loose
I inch toward the wall and prop my feet against it
I grab the loose chain with both hands
I breathe deeply and start to yank at it with all my power
It gives and I fall backwards onto the hard floor
I’m in lots of pain but I can’t stop now, I must break free
I sit up, then slowly stand
The loose chain in hand I start to pound against the other one on the wall with all my might
The wall releases the other chain and my body starts to feel relief
I muster up what little I have left to walk towards the door
It opens easily and outside is bright and beautiful
I step out into the world chains dragging on the ground behind me
I finally did it
I’m finally free.

When will I ever be good enough?
No matter how hard I seem to try
I always seem to have to lie
No college degree
No job to see
When will I ever be good enough?
Every step I take
I feel like the eggshells are about to break
Never seem to get A’s
But yet me being trans is a phase
When will I ever be good enough?
I can never seem to do anything right
And every time it ends in a fight
So many thoughts running through my head
So many nights I’ve thought I’d be better off dead.

Music is like reading a good book and capturing the sun in your skin
Or perhaps sitting and taking in the trickling of water
Music pulls at your soul
Music is beautiful
Music is powerful
Music can paint a picture in your mind
Music can make a whole room in awe
Music is moving
Music is wonderful
And being able to portray a story or a picture in the minds of the audience is amazing
Did you know that when playing music on an instrument you use both sides of your brain?
By playing music you use your Corpus Callosum which allows both sides of your brain to communicate
Now I could just spit random science facts and describe how amazing music is
But that doesn’t come close to how amazing it feels to perform a piece
Putting your whole heart, body, and soul into a piece is breathtaking.