The feel of the books pages
That fresh new book smell, almost like smelling a good bowl of soup
As I read it seems to play in my mind like a movie
The story beautiful
The words feel like my own
But I snap back to reality
It’s not my story
And once again I’m finding comfort in the pages of someone else’s story.

If I could forget
Would I want to?
The way you treated me
How nice it was
The way I blame myself
The way I also blame you
How sad I feel
How angry I am
If I could forget
Would I want to?
They say everything happens for a reason
They say it’s supposed to make you stronger
They say it makes you the person you are today
If I could forget.

I feel unsure
I feel scared
I feel hopeless
I feel hurt
I feel stuck
I feel lonely
I feel lost
I feel sad
My heart is heavy, and my thoughts won’t quit
Part of me wishes I never took those pills
Maybe things would be different
Another part wishes I didn’t call 911
Why does it have to hurt so much?
Why do I feel this pit in my stomach?
Almost as if I had a dagger plunged through my torso
How am I to cope?
When will the pain stop?
I feel like I’ve tried for so many years to get better, but I’m in this never ending cycle
It gets better, and I start to feel pretty good
And then it gets bad again
I just want it to stop
Why won’t it stop?
Please make it stop
I can’t take it anymore
All I want is to be loved truly, for once
I don’t understand why no one can
Why is it so hard to love me?
Why am I too much work to be worth it?
I just can’t seem to do anything right, no matter how hard I seem to try
I feel like no one understands
I feel like no one cares
I feel like a burden
I’ve hurt so many people around me just because I’m struggling
I feel like no one would care if I was gone
I feel like it would be better for everyone if I was gone.

I thought you were the love of my life
I wanted to marry you, and I thought you wanted to marry me
Partners are supposed to help you through the good and the bad
When I was at a low point in my life why did you pull away?
Why did you leave?
Roles reversed I would’ve been more there for you
I would’ve tried anything and everything to make you feel better
I truly loved you unconditionally
But why was yours conditional?
Even though we both were struggling I was there when you needed me
A shoulder to cry on
Someone to listen
I wanted to give you the sun, moon, and stars if I could’ve
Or I would’ve died trying
You had all of my heart in your hands
Then one day you looked me dead in the eye
Glass heart in hand, and let go
It shatters into pieces
And I’m left trying to piece them back together alone.

I feel a sharp pain course through my body
I gasp and clutch my stomach wound
Falling into the cold dark cave behind me
Silence surrounds me
I feel lost and scared
Weakness fills my body
No more hope
No more light
The wound in my stomach continues to bleed
I’m running out of time
In order to survive I must let you go
But how could I?
Even though you inflicted this pain upon me
I still hold you dear in my heart
The memories we made
The love that we shared
It was all gone
Now it’s just me dying in a cave, waiting for you to come back
But I must get up
I cannot die now.

I am stuck, I cannot move
It is dark, cold, and quiet
I am a prisoner between these four walls
The only sounds I hear are the chains clanking on the ground when I move
I screamed for so many years, yet no one could hear
I’ve spent so many nights crying wishing I were dead
The chains around my wrists feel like they’re getting tighter
I feel hopeless and lie down just wanting for it to end
Tears start to fill my eyes and I pray that I just die
But just when I’m ready to give up, an angel appears by my side
His presence feels calm yet empowering
His voice is soothing and kind
He says, “Your story is not over yet, I believe in you.”
My chains suddenly feel lighter and I feel like I might be able to break free
With the little strength I have I sit up and fiddle with the clasps around my wrists
The angel motions my attention towards something
My eyes widen with hope
It’s my chains attached to the wall but one looks loose
I inch toward the wall and prop my feet against it
I grab the loose chain with both hands
I breathe deeply and start to yank at it with all my power
It gives and I fall backwards onto the hard floor
I’m in lots of pain but I can’t stop now, I must break free
I sit up, then slowly stand
The loose chain in hand I start to pound against the other one on the wall with all my might
The wall releases the other chain and my body starts to feel relief
I muster up what little I have left to walk towards the door
It opens easily and outside is bright and beautiful
I step out into the world chains dragging on the ground behind me
I finally did it
I’m finally free.

When will I ever be good enough?
No matter how hard I seem to try
I always seem to have to lie
No college degree
No job to see
When will I ever be good enough?
Every step I take
I feel like the eggshells are about to break
Never seem to get A’s
But yet me being trans is a phase
When will I ever be good enough?
I can never seem to do anything right
And every time it ends in a fight
So many thoughts running through my head
So many nights I’ve thought I’d be better off dead.