I hope life is worth it after this
All this pain and suffering
All these sleepless nights
All these tears
All of this hopelessness and helplessness
All this fear
All this rage
All this heartbreak
All this unmotivation
All this numbness
All this depression
All these suicidal thoughts
All this trauma
All these negative thoughts
All this pessimism
All of this feeling of directionless
I really hope life is worth it, and there’s only one way to find out.

The world crumbles around me and still I smile
My worries pile up like bricks and yet I stand in front of them blocking your view
My thoughts grow loud but my mouth stays silent
I cry behind closed doors so no one can see my tears
I smile when I wish I could scream
I carry compassion because I know what it’s like
I remember when I was younger, I used to plead to God to relieve me of my pain, because I was too scared to do it myself
After I stopped believing in God I’d plead to my father’s headstone to help me be strong
I know what it’s like to suffer alone
Crying in the shadows of your own home
Your mind a deadly volcano, not just for others but for yourself
Everyday feeling like a trek through sludge
Everything seems like a chore even things you used to like, even if it was just the day before
Proper sleep seems like an impossible task
Proper eating even more impossible
Believing things would just be better if you weren’t here
that the pain would end if you weren’t here
that you wouldn’t have to deal with anything anymore
that the people around you would be better without you
These voices so loud you wish they’d shut up
Believing the only way to silence these voices is to no longer be in your mind, but to be in a headstone next to your father’s
But part of you is scared, maybe even doesn’t want to let go just yet
Finds things to live for
but I’m tired of living for others, I want to be able to finally live for myself.

2015 How I sometimes wish I could forget you
2015 How I sometimes wish it never happened
2015 How I sometimes wish people could understand what I went through
2015 How I sometimes wish I had the answers to my questions
2015 How I sometimes wish I felt like I had a resolution
2015 How I sometimes wish I could’ve stopped the cycle
2015 How I sometimes wish I could’ve looked you in the eyes before you went to rot in jail
2015 How I sometimes wish that others were kinder in a time of need
2015 How I sometimes wish you’d fade out of existence.

Looking back, I deserved a kinder goodbye
Looking back, there were so many incompatibilities
Looking back, I had to change myself to fit for you
Looking back, you didn’t treat me how I wanted
Looking back, I had to bend myself to keep you
Looking back, I did everything I could to keep you but you left anyway
Looking back, I still don’t understand why it hurts
Thinking now, I have a guy who treats me like a princess
Thinking now; I have a guy who listens, understands, and comforts me when I need it
Thinking now, I have a guy who seems more compatible
Thinking now, I have a guy who I don’t feel like I need to change myself
Thinking now, I have a guy who I don’t feel like I have to bend myself to keep him
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports me
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports my dreams
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports me following my dreams
Thinking now, I have a guy who appreciates me
Thinking now, I have a guy who is better than you ever could be
So why do I think about you still?
Why does it still hurt?

My life feels like I always take two steps forward then four steps back
I graduate high school when I thought I wouldn’t, two steps forward
I live on my own, two steps forward
I get into college and attend for two years, two steps forward
I then drop out on a whim, four steps back
I take action to try to improve my mental health, two steps forward
I’ve been having mental health problems for nine years now and hasn’t been improving lately, four steps back
Multiple suicide attempts, four steps back
Quitting jobs left and right, four steps back
Relationships failing left and right, four steps back
Everyone leaving me left and right, four steps back
I wish my life wasn’t two steps forward four steps back anymore.

To stand alone is difficult
To battle alone is almost impossible
I’ve been called strong, but it’s hard to be strong alone
I’m tired of keeping my head up high by myself
The amount of times I’ve pleaded to my fathers grave to help me be strong
I know I may be more privileged than others but no one should have to stand alone
No one stands by my side
No one backs me up
I have no one
And yet here I stand alone; trying to make it through today, then tomorrow, and the next
Trying to what’s right
Trying to not seek for approval
Trying to pursue my dreams
But yet I feel as if I’m on an island, team of one
Even though I have people behind me
Ever since last year I never reach out
And so I continue to be a team of one.

I hope my absence hurts you as much as it hurt me when you left
I hope my absence leaves a void that shall never be filled
I hope my absence leaves you feeling unfulfilled
I hope my absence stings like a hornet
I hope my absence feels like putting lemon juice onto a open cut
I hope my absence feels like a broken bone
I hope my absence feels like a dagger cutting deep but not killing you
I hope my absence leaves you in agony
I hope my absence leaves you in anguish
I hope my absence does not bring you peace
I hope my absence does not bring you happiness
I hope my happiness is sickening
I hope my flourishing is sickening
I hope my peace is sickening
I hope your heart breaks everytime I smile
I hope you rot in my absence.