I wanna rip the flesh off my bones and
bleed until I no longer breathe.

I hate the way I live.
Afraid to be anything more than what
I'm told to be.

When I sit and think about you,
I have to face the harsh reality
that I’m grieving a person that doesn’t exist anymore…
This version of you isn’t in love with me.
You probably don’t think about me as much as I do of you.
I wonder if you ever sit and fantasize of what could be or if you’ve forgotten all about me.

I hope somewhere deep down you wish that your “one” could of been me, because god do I wish mine was you.

Take my joy.
I don't care.
I'm broken and hopelessly drained.
I don't wanna get up.
There's no point.

I'm tired.
I'm sad.
I'm lonely, afraid.
Don't know what to say,
so lost and so broken,
I'm falling astray.
My brain so full of nonsense.
My mouth full of pity.
I'm scared of my mind.
I'm scared of my heart.
I can't help feeling the pain
of falling apart.
Everything so shattered.
I'm feeling so numb.
I can't find my happiness,
I can't find my sanity.
Oh God, please bring me
back to my humanity.

I feel like a lion
taken out of his cage
forced to live with
these people and give
up his ways.

I feel this overwhelming sadness
that's spreading throughout my being.
This poison flowing through my veins
is seeping into my mind and my heart
and it's disintegrating...

You said you loved me
and as happy as I should be,
you fell in love with a fake version of me...

I thought I loved you,
But I think I just loved the way you loved me...

When will this darkness
come to pass?
My mind is so ****** up,
I don't know where I'm at.
It won't be long till I
crumble under this pain.
I'm just trying to keep going
until I feel okay.

"When was the last time you ate over five hundred calories?
Or took the day off from the gym?
You've been shrinking day after day,
Month after month.
Soon to be nothing but bones buried in the dirt.
You have so much to live for,
Yet you starve for perfection and continue slowly killing yourself.
Why?
You're perfect the way you are!"
They say.
"No one could ever fulfill the place you have in this world!"
They say.
But the sad truth is that someone can and they will.
As much as I'd like to believe I'm special and unique I am disposable, just like everyone else.
Sure my family and friends will be sad for a few days and maybe even months or years,
but people move on.
And as sad as it is,
I have too.

What is wrong with me dad?
I'm sorry for making you upset.
I just wanted to be perfect,
because then I thought  maybe
you would start to care or at least
acknowledge my existence.

Why do you hate me so much?
What did I ever do to you?!
You make me feel like ****,
just like another useless tool.

Every vein in my body is racing
with sadness and utter rage.
I feel like I'm being infused with
this toxicity  that has already killed
me inside.

Then my mind starts to drown
itself inside it's own dark thoughts.
Trying to make it seem like it's
me to blame for being myself,
but it's not.

How can I be seen as such a
toxic person that it tears someone
to their very core?
How they can just have
so much hate for me to where
they make it seem like I
don't exist.

When their mind is solely focused
on me,
thinking how could it be?
That the only daughter they
have is no longer theirs to keep.

She lost herself to the darkness,
and sadly to say,
she's not coming back...
Well, at least not today.

Although I don't wanna hurt you
I don't think I mind it...

I'm selfishly in love with my own
satisfaction and validation that I
don't give a second thought about yours...

Even though I know you'd be better
off without me, I don't wanna leave...
and I'm not going to.

Why did I think this time was
any different?
I should of known he was too good to be
true...
And I should of known there's no way
he'd fall for a girl like me.

He's funny, adventurous, sweet. caring and
everything I'm not.
He makes me feel so **** special and makes
me feel like I actually have a chance...
Then he makes it pretty clear that even if I did
he wouldn't actually fall for me...

Why do I always do this to myself?
I thought this time was genuinely different,
but of course it's not...

I never wanted to hurt her.

I knew I was her world,
But she deserves the universe.

And I hope somewhere out there
There’s one where I love her back.

I'm distant because I'm scared.
I'm scared you'll uncover the worst parts of myself.
The parts of myself that dwell in self destruction and wallow in self pity.
The parts that I have no control over.

Although you painted a beautiful picture,
your actions began to tear off the lies
and fade the amusing colors you put
before my eyes.

Your true colors began to show
and you tore a hole so deep into my heart
I'm not sure if it can be fixed.

I'll always love you.
but you will forever be the death of me...

I'm tired of getting hurt.

I know it's my fault.
I put myself in these positions.

I talk to countless guys to compensate for the lack of love and attention I got as a child.

I let them have their way
In hopes that they'll stay.

I let them take advantage of me.

And for what?

They never stay.
And I mean who can blame them?
I wouldn't want me either...

Hell, I dont even want me now.

Dimly, from a nearly forgotten perception as blurred as the substance itself,
Heartbreak.
His bare chest,
Freezing.
Her lips,
Numb.
The silence tied around them both…

Everything lost meaning,
Including my love for you...

I never fully understood what it felt like to love someone who isn’t yours to love.

To miss someone who isn’t mine to miss.

To dream about someone who isn’t mine to dream about.


I sit here fantasizing about the future we could have
When you’re  already committed to another one.

I drown out the judgement and the probable  rejection
As I blindly love someone who probably doesn’t love me back.

I was never able to love her the way she wanted to be loved.

She’d look at me with those beautiful doe eyes and I’d just die inside because I knew I could never give her the slightest bit of love she embodied.

She deserves so much more than I can give her.

I only hope that one day someone will love her far beyond I ever could.

I try to do the best I can,
Yet it never seems to be enough...

Time is always ticking.
It's what you do with it that matters.
Are you building yourself up or tearing yourself down?
Are you working on yourself or working on other people?

Focus on yourself.
You are your own person
and at the end of the day you are all you have.

Love yourself when no one else does.
Forgive yourself for your own faults.
Accept yourself when you feel unwanted.

You're not perfect and no one expects you to be.

You are me and I love you.
You are beautiful, intelligent, kind and you have a beautiful heart.
You are you
and the best version there could ever be.

You never said
"I don't love you anymore"-
You just decided to walk away

When it came to me or her
You chose her
You decided I wasn't good enough anymore

You came to the conclusion
That I just wasn't worth the fight
That I was no longer worth loving...

And in that moment
I believed I wasn't good enough
That I was no longer worth fighting for

I decided I didn't love me anymore either

I know it’s been a few years, 2 years and 6 months to be exact,
and I still miss you.
I think about you every other day.
If not, every day at least for a few seconds…

I still can’t believe we’re not together.

I know I’m to blame.

Even after I broke up with you,
you still made sure that I was okay.
That’s the type of person you are, genuine and caring.
I still think about how stupid I was to let you go.

You were the world to me and I was too dumb and young to see it.

Not to sound too cliche, but you were the one that got away.

I’ll never find anyone to replace you, and I don’t say that to sound dramatic or anything , but simply because your kind is a dying breed.

Sometimes I just sit and reminisce in our little arguments about who loved who more.
And I guess in the end we got our answer.

I reminisce in our drawing game battles and our movie dates.
I miss those.
Maybe I sound crazy, but I swear sometimes I can still hear your smile when you talk and your contagious laugh.

Sometimes I day dream and see you smiling right back at me.
Like you see me too.
I wonder if you ever think about me as much as I think about you.
I know it’s been over two years, but I still can’t get over you..

I don't how I feel anymore.
I think I've just become so infatuated
with the thought of you that I've mistaken
it for love...

I wish you didn't use your words so loosely.
That what you say will have meaning,
will have purpose.
But you continue to fill my head with false promises and meaningless phrases.

What you say means nothing
because you feel nothing.
I'm just a piece in your sick twisted game.

You manipulated me with your words so sweet.
You had my mind wrapped up in every little thing you said.

Once I realized this was all a game I intended to leave,
But how could I?

Even if everything you said was a lie,
I love the feeling of feeling loved.

Silence is the most underrated sound of the century,
and yet it's the most beautiful.

The minute they ask us, "Are you okay?"
All the lies we construct come falling down.

We try to say, "Of course, I'm fine,"
but our minds are in a state of chaos.

We're broken.

Everyday we try to put our best face on and smile like everything's okay.
We try to keep quiet and isolate ourselves by forming these walls of protection when we're out in the open.

Hoping that as long as we smile and put on a great face
no one will know or suspect anything,
but our actions speak louder than words.

We try to hide our feelings, but we forget our eyes speak volumes.

Do you ever wanna lay there
Doing nothing
Not eating
Or drinking

Just lay there
Feeling your lungs slowly respirising
Your stomach beginning to grow hungry
Your lips starting to dehydrate
And your brain slowly stopping

You're just there
As your lungs begin to slowly start collapsing
Your stomach ***** and shriveled up
Your lips dry and thirsty
Your brain empty

There you are
Looking pale
Silently laying there
Not a word
Not a sound
There's nothing to interrupt your peace
To interrupt the silence
There's nothing at all

You're just laying there as your body slowly rots from the inside out

You're there
Gone
Nothing left but the stench of your absence

One fly, two fly, five
They're slowly attracted to beauty in your flesh

How does it feel wherever you are?
Are you in heaven or hell or is there nothing at all?
Is there beauty in the silence of it all?

I feel it
The desire to do nothing
To just lay there in the silence of your mind

To slowly disintegrate into the beauty you left behind
within the love you had poured out into the plants you used to water

I want to feel that peace in your soul without the stench
Without the bitterness and pain you left behind

I want to drown in the feeling of feeling nothing

I see the way you look at her.
The way she makes you smile.

It's all too good to watch it grow into something beautiful;
Something worth pursuing.

Am I a horrible person to wanna watch it crash and burn?
To see it rot from the inside out?

I never thought I could hate someone,
especially when I know nothing about them.

She seems sweet,
but I don't care.
I wish you never met her or that I never found out about her.
I'd rather be blinded by love than forced to watch my heart break.