I’m held hostage by the darkness of my room.
Memories and thoughts barricade my door.  I think I stopped breathing around the same time I realized it was darkness numbing the loneliness within me.

It’s always at night when I want to run the farthest.
When I want to escape what’s not there.

Maybe the idea of feeling secure in my own sadness is just an illusion, maybe not.
I find myself longing for everlasting happiness while still sitting in the darkness of my bedroom with the door closed and my blinds down.
It’s almost as if my body craves loneliness as it’s way out.
My mind replaces temporary with forever too often, like it doesn’t know any better.
I’ve dug a hole too deep for me to get out of and I’ve allowed myself to get comfortable in it.
Why does temporary scare me?

Why the **** does happiness require so much more effort than sadness?

I miss the feeling I felt when I had you, though it was not real.

I wore short sleeves today.
I couldn’t help but wonder what people thought when they looked at me.
I checked the nutritional facts on every food item I picked up and put every single thing back down where I found it.
I kept my head low and walked quickly but quietly.
I worried about the odds of someone taking me.
I put the groceries in my my car looking around as if I was expecting someone in particular to be there.

I woke up this morning.
I did my hair.
I allowed sunlight in my room without the sudden urge to close my blinds.
I attempted to love myself today.