i used to think  I wanted to be the most beautiful
girl in the world        possess perfection    so
pretty you    just could not   reject me
i had you     you had me      but it always felt  like
I could  lose  you to the    wind    or a wild thing   at
a party    or   at a bar with your friends   or from the
many travels around the world  
you’ve embarked on

recently i’ve been getting   compliments
people talking about   my   this or that  
but  yet    there lies  an emptiness    a little
black whole in me   that I am trying to
understand  
today I spoke     and you grew silent   and
there was   a distance    I haven’t felt for   a long time

And I learned that no   matter  how beautiful   the world
sees me     I will never feel enough  for you
Like an uphill    climb        I yearn
for the mountain view        

Perhaps  one day  I will  achieve  greatness

I spoke   all excited   and giddy   about
how an excellent   worker     I am     but really
am I?    so  after  the conversation    I don’t
know what I wanted from you
maybe   like   a “good job”    but  you were silent
and I understood      no matter how much
I want  you   to think   how cool    I am
I can’t      force   it  outta you

Every time   I beg for your    attention    
I remind   you
how much of a beggar   I am

Destiny   speaks   like a Queen     even
though    you may not love     her now      I don’t envy
her   for the love you gave her      I envy
her strength    for being  able to survive without it

you resemble the boys of my past     how once
I wanted   a broken   boy to find me in a well
and lure me   out with    his wild   eyes     sharp nose
blond  hairs        you       talk    mad     and quick
like you’re     high   on something   strong
and   I can’t keep up
I just listen     wanna please you     wanna be   worthy   of
something   confident    like   you
so I     just      listen        
let myself       fall for you

when i was younger   I’d go to
work with my father    and back then,
the company was small   and my father’s
boss    took me to   the back   where
they had started to    change the
furniture   and paint the walls    cause
the company was growing    and
he made me go through a whole
pamphlet of    colors   for carpets
and he asked   me:
so ***,   what would look best here?
And I pointed   at
pine needle    green.

As I grow   or whatever grown-ups call it
I begin to realize how broken    I was    how even
now, I still am      and how    I choose to
hurt you sometimes    because  I don’t want to
face   my fears   last time we got
drunk, I cried  uncontrollably   begging you to provide
answers to the greatest   questions of all      
like    what is this   the love I have for my parents     my dead dog
where did he go     nothing is forever     so what is it
that ties   you and I together     what is it
what is it?
How many times have you held me   close   wishing
I’d answer   my own   enigmas

and still, you call me back
and still, you hold
and still, you care

how you do it exactly, I don’t know

Even  though I am now 26    and I feel older
I don’t think   time  makes things  easy
it makes  it harder   and harder
I find myself   missing things

more deeply

all the time