Cooking side  by   side    I play music to
somehow        tell you all things   I cannot say
because   you won’t believe me       when I say

I want this to work  

Last night   you said  I wasn’t quite THERE
when you    pounded inside    you said your wrist never
hurt so much  from *******
all my head   thought   was     ****, is my body
that   hard to  *** to

I could understand how  you found it   upsetting
that   I was so   self-conscious    that I couldn’t even
see how you might like me
so you chose   to hurt me like I had hurt you

as I narrate your every move----cutting the tomatoes, the onions,
cracking the eggs      you signal the flaws within all my
descriptions          and  without mercy, you say

I think   I need to get myself    a new narrator

Ear   muffs on       you always
said   that      it all goes through one   ear
and comes out    the other     well, ma
sorry    to say it might be true
you       stare at me  as I finish  my french fries
why do you look on like that?     have I hurt you?
as fat  as I may  be    I’ve got more soul   than
you ever  did      you wish to be loved by your mother
and sisters          loved unconditionally     so much
that you can’t even    give me that

thick   my arms are   as I place them on the counter top,
smacking   hard   as you cry   telling me how my body
doesn’t deserve      to be loved    

Mother, I’ve found  solace   in being a wolf
natural    misunderstood    hungry  and         beautiful

after each   tough event,   you two would sit Kathy
and I down    either in early mornings   or late nights   and say:
we’ve only got  each other    we can’t trust the world
or something alluding to how alone we were here in New York,
no friends, no family     hell, no neighbors
and   sometimes, mom would use her illness to get back at you for cheating
or for getting home late from work    but little did she know
you’d smack her head side to side    when her blood sugar
dropped  and dropped   and dropped   til she was unconscious
and Kathy and I gained so much freakin weight    we had no idea how
to love ourselves     when I got my first job  all I wanted
was    to go out to gay bars and get drunk
I learned from the best     to get angry      dad would break apart
all the cabinets   when he couldn’t deal   with all the stuff   going
around and around   and around
and mom     didn’t know   how to love herself   enough  to teach us
and we still      don’t know

In my sleep you came again as you often do,
and you    stared  into me  begging for an answer
I still take your  breath away, don’t I      you asked
and all I could say   breathless  
no Louis,     you don’t

I told my good friend
That New York City    is like
A jungle      an acquired taste   we
Were in a car     visiting foster parents
Who were    mostly   Dominican   mostly
Old women   too     and I looked down
At my phone     sent you a picture
Of myself        and waited   for
A response
If you’d ever think   i was the
Prettiest girl   in the world

Many things   and maybe
Im always   just going in circles,
Really not    moving forward
But then again, does it matter?

Who will make my heart ache such
Or make me   eternally   bleed   or beat
Wildly   due to   regret  and
Unrequited love
Who was  it   who   initiated
This  feeling   of sad   of  anger   of
Not wanting   to   grow   up    lose   myself
In legends   of   the land  of the Tsar
Maybe    it   was   you  
Or the day   i discovered    my muse
Was  married
Or    a  blue-eyed     karate kid
Or  a  tall  boy  on a bicycle
Or then again     you
When   you confessed   your fault  and
I listened    not knowing    
What     this   would    all mean