after each   tough event,   you two would sit Kathy
and I down    either in early mornings   or late nights   and say:
we’ve only got  each other    we can’t trust the world
or something alluding to how alone we were here in New York,
no friends, no family     hell, no neighbors
and   sometimes, mom would use her illness to get back at you for cheating
or for getting home late from work    but little did she know
you’d smack her head side to side    when her blood sugar
dropped  and dropped   and dropped   til she was unconscious
and Kathy and I gained so much freakin weight    we had no idea how
to love ourselves     when I got my first job  all I wanted
was    to go out to gay bars and get drunk
I learned from the best     to get angry      dad would break apart
all the cabinets   when he couldn’t deal   with all the stuff   going
around and around   and around
and mom     didn’t know   how to love herself   enough  to teach us
and we still      don’t know

In my sleep you came again as you often do,
and you    stared  into me  begging for an answer
I still take your  breath away, don’t I      you asked
and all I could say   breathless  
no Louis,     you don’t

I told my good friend
That New York City    is like
A jungle      an acquired taste   we
Were in a car     visiting foster parents
Who were    mostly   Dominican   mostly
Old women   too     and I looked down
At my phone     sent you a picture
Of myself        and waited   for
A response
If you’d ever think   i was the
Prettiest girl   in the world

Many things   and maybe
Im always   just going in circles,
Really not    moving forward
But then again, does it matter?

Who will make my heart ache such
Or make me   eternally   bleed   or beat
Wildly   due to   regret  and
Unrequited love
Who was  it   who   initiated
This  feeling   of sad   of  anger   of
Not wanting   to   grow   up    lose   myself
In legends   of   the land  of the Tsar
Maybe    it   was   you  
Or the day   i discovered    my muse
Was  married
Or    a  blue-eyed     karate kid
Or  a  tall  boy  on a bicycle
Or then again     you
When   you confessed   your fault  and
I listened    not knowing    
What     this   would    all mean

I doubt  now    how
Funny   how sometimes  i feel
So sure   of your emotions
And so quickly  i forget    if you
Ever did love me     as if love
Is something    so fickle    it makes no sense
Should love not   be honest   and real
And solid like a stone    but why does it feel
As if i never   held it    like water   it has always
Felt so fleeting    or fragile    
It may have   been my parents     the abrupt
Changes   in their   words and moods    ive
Always felt    like i didn’t  know     anything
Or what was happening      what happened?  And
Waking up in the morning    to music  on my birthday
But   other days to screams    and   nervous  pleas
To help my mother    who was diabetic   and   dying
And now    you and I    and you, so far away   I
Don’t know how   to deal with it    and I get
Scared at   myself    and I get   scared  of you, does
That make sense    scared   of  
What     we do     with ourselves

My existence is a joke    to those who see me
I am not  woman  enough  to harbor love poems
from those who walk past me    or to have my mother
gloat to church acquaintances   about my beauty  my
travels   my  incredible abilities   or  my outstanding schooling
I have formed myself  in the image of     a snake   down to
the very texture of my skin
How I do desire to be all the things   I tell you, for you’ve
fallen in love   with all the lies I’ve told-how I am strong-willed,
confident, and an all around interesting person
Even worse, I’ve led you to believe that I can surpass
the faults of my past and the pain of my childhood as if
I am a phoenix  rising from ashes   but
I am not a bird   I am human
My father   wanted a son  and even my stocky build
Doesn’t  allow for his mind to see me as such  although
My mother’s best insults insinuate my diet
Resembles that of a man
And where does the mind go when it doesn’t know
what is wrong   or right  
or harsh or kind?  I inherited the sadness of their
Hearts, and no longer am I sure if I can  break away
From it all