I cannot have a small, soft, gentle love

I see now that it oozes out of me like a broken faucet

There is no such thing as a small love for me

I've only ever known how to love like an approaching avalanche

Deep, intense, and so utterly resolute and exhaustive

I cannot seem to comprehend how the world does it so easily

Like loving someone isn't as fervent as it is

My heart is just too big for me to only give so little

It doesn't feel right to love so sparingly

Can I not love you with all that I am instead?

Oh time

My familiar friend

How did you know it would be the last time
I played in the streets with my childhood friends?

That I'd never see their faces again
Or taste the sweetness of the fruits we shared together one more time

Why did you not tell me it was the end?

You, too, were there
Weren't you?

I would have stayed a bit longer
Smiled a bit wider
Laughed a bit louder
Loved a bit harder

Must all the beautiful moments of my life pass through me so quickly?

They hold the keys to my respite

How will I ever find home
When my memories of them become quicksand
Through my fingers?

I worry all this sand will swallow me whole
Before I have had time
To trace the lines of their faces into my bones

What do I do then?

Boiling white hot rage
Regret and guilt seeps in
Silent looks through open bedroom doors

How I hate you so.

Peanut butter and jelly apologies
Your favorite movies on CD
Fighting for the passenger seat

How I hate you so.

Racing for the favorite spoon
Sharing a sweet treat from mom
Stealing trinkets out of your room

How I hate you so.

Pushing your buttons until they break
Scaring off your school bullies
Blaming the broken coffee *** on you

How I hate you so.

Heartfelt gifts on your birthday
Beating you at every game
Moving out to start your life away

How I miss you so.

Oh, to be loved

How beautiful and painful and wonderful it is to be loved,

Your looking at me and laughing and smiling and existing with me at this very moment

Choosing my presence

God, is it true?

To be loved this much?
I didn't know

But oh how wondrous it is to be loved,
To feel so full

One day I'll clean my mirrors
I don't really know if I should
It feels too much like erasing a past
Of which I cannot reach anymore
The clock goes only one way
In our little minds
Your ghost lingers everywhere
In everything I see and touch
Wherever I go I'm always followed by your shadow
I don't know how to feel about it
I don't miss you
Strangely enough
But I think of you often
How could I not, when I see you in everything I do?
When I make a grilled cheese
Take my long board for a ride
Or sitting in the back seat crowded between two people
Every time I travel
And especially when it rains outside
When I smell the fresh sage on drives
Even when I swing at a park and fly a bit too high
You seeped into the fine details of my life
My ***** mirrors made used by us
Together
These small things still make me smile
The memories so fond in my heart
I feel I shouldn't clean my mirrors
Not from longing or sorrow
It just feels strange to not have you in my life
Yet still love the time we had together anyway
One day I'll clean my mirrors
I don't miss you
But my back door is left unlocked if you ever want to come home

I fear that my heart yearns for us to go back and be kids together
For us to go forward and be adults together

My, you are so lovely
Please
Stay holding my hand softly for every second
So I might be near you a bit longer