I write because of you.
I wanted to die because of you.
I begged you to take me with you
Many a drunken night in the bathroom floor,
While pain slipped from my wrists,
But it was just another failed attempt.

Im not as brave as you.
I couldnt go all the way like you.
I know I failed you, but you left me here in this miserable place,
With the bitter taste,
Of the biggest mistake,
Of walking away,
When u obviously needed me to be there for you.

I knew you were in pain,
I know ur mother walked away
I know ur brother illuminated the way.
I know your dad couldnt give you a place to stay.
I did though,

I loved you more than anything
You were my best friend
We have endless memories

I still hear your laugh...

You never acted like it was so bad.
You never displayed the traditional red flags.
No cutting
No crying
No pity pleas
No whining.
Where did this come from?
You didnt even give me a warning.

I heard from mutual friends
You were on a bridge.
Im convinced you were murdered, by a stranger who looked like you,
claimed to be you,
Someone I never met.

He took your life that night.
He jumped because the guy I know would never do that ....
Right?

I couldnt believe it was true
It couldnt be you
Until I had to face the truth
I sat at a strangers funeral
While your father cried on my shoulder
For a guy we didnt even know.

But when I picked up the phone to tell you I saw your dad today
You didnt answer me
When I called you to ask you why you werent there
You let it go to voicemail
But when I called to tell you I was afraid to look in the casket
And your voicemail was full
I realized Id never hear your voice again....
The rest of my life
It hit me.
That I didnt think of my life....
How it would be...

Every day was harder than the last
Because the memories of you started to fade fast
I couldnt remember your voice

But I can still hear your laugh.

Its been 5 years since the coldest December Ive ever felt.
The ice on my heart I thought would never melt.
I will never stop missing you
Or wishing you
Could be here just one more day

One more hug,
One more chance
One more ..one more .... just one more second
But I have to accept it
Theres no more one mores

Its over and time doesnt rewind
It the only thing that keeps me alive....
Knowing that once youre gone youre gone
And theres no way to change your mind.

Sometimes we dont notice depression
The warning signs are transparent
Some smile on the outside
The cry for help disguised
They don't show any signs of being sad....

I can still hear his laugh.

Some days I look at her
and see remnants of the innocence she used to possess.
Other days
I don't know who this girl in the bathroom is watching me as I get undressed.
Although I know every curve and crevice of her  figure,
every freckle on her face.
Every imperfection,
every flaw,
every strand of hair out of place.

She is a stranger.

Her eyes are filled with a sorrow of a self afflicted pain.
Insecure delusions of her own self worth decorated in shame.
Some days I watch her paint her lipstick on to hold her smile in place.
Other days I watch as she swallows her  disguise from a bottle that grants her a small window of a pathetic illusion of a fabricated happiness.

She never cries in front of anyone,

But she cries in front of me.
I know her every expression,
even the awkward faces she doesn't let anyone else see.
She pleads for me to hold her,
but as I reach for her
she puts her arms out in defense,
She looks at me like I'm her worst enemy,
Like she hates the thought of my presence.
She constantly asks me why I exist,
My lips move when she talks,
But the words never make sense.
I try to present myself the way I would like her to be.
But I'm only the REFLECTION of a girl she used to be.

I never knew how much power his words still had over me until I heard them spoken to me with someone else's tongue
You ..
You ..
Yea you have to go
And no
Not the echo...
of the haunted memory
Etched into my bones.
You
This innocent new guy, that doesn't even realize the power his words have,
Squeezing my soul like a bitter lime
The fresh juice seeping into my reopened wounds,  a fire burning into the fiber of my existence.
You don't even realize those aren't your words
They are the undressed synapses electrifying my memory
Untangled pure torture that follows a direct nerve to my heart and causes me to have a reflex you are not EVEN prepared for.
Yea,
You'll be the umpteenth failed relationship
And when I say" it's not you it's me "
I'll really mean it's he....
He..the voice in my head who won't let me forget
He who holds me hostage in my regret
He who ***** any shred of innocence I ever possessed.
He....not me  
His voice rings the loudest in my head.
And you
You mimic his words like he told you exactly what to say
To make me squirm
Like the worm on the hook when I was little and he took
Me fishing cuz he wished I was the son he didn't have.
Until that son came along and I became his trash.
You are the same
Youre him all over again
And him
and him
And him
And every failed attempt
at me trying to receive a love
He wasn't willing to give.