i feel so alone
i feel like i have no one
i feel like no body really cares about me
i feel like i have no connection to anyone
i feel like no one understands me
i feel like no one really knows me
i feel unloved and unlovable
i feel like i hate myself
im allways the outcast
allways the weird one
allways the ugly one
allways the one who's off
no matter what clothes i wear
no matter how much make up i put on
no matter how many time i staighten my hair
no matter how much i try to be social
no matter how funny i try to be
no matter how much i do of anything
i am allways me and that is never enough
i wish i was someone else
or atleast a better me
i never thought i'd still be feeling like this at 20 years old but i do and it makes me that much more disapointed in myself..

WRITER'S BLOCK IS A ***** I CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING. IT'S BEEN MONTHS. HELP.

Khalil Dridi
Chwaya sabr wallah
-----------------------------
love of my life
just a little patience wallah

Do you remember our first apartement together? It was small but we loved it. Do you remember the kitchen? Where you cooked and i burned **** while you made fun of my horrible cooking skills. Where we would stay up till 3 a.m making brownies and laughing our ***** off because we looked ridiculous with our faces covered n chocolate and our hair with poudered sugar. Do you remember the living room?  We didn't have a tv at the time and we didn't need one, all we needed to be entertained was each other. You played the guitar for me n i told you stories. We had concerts where we'd sing our favorit songs really loudly and the neighbors got mad. We played silly games that we invented like we were little children and had the best time of our lives. Do you remember the couch? Where we would sit under our blanket and read books together. Where you slept when we fought and you were annoyed at me. Where i joined you in the middle of the night because i missed you and i can never sleep without you. Do you remember the small balcony?  Where we would stay up during summer nights with a couple of cold beers and a whole lot of jokes to tell. Where we spent hours under the stars talking about life, talking about how this is exactly what we wished for. Do you remember the bathroom? Where we had long baths together, baths that would allways turn into splash wars or passionate ***. Do you remember our bedroom? We painted it blue together since it was our favorite color. and it was the only room we painted because we wanted it to be speacial,and so it was. Do you remember it? It was where we spent most of our time in the apartment. We would spend hours just laying in each others arms. Talking,laughing, making sweet love. Where we had our movie nights. Where we brought each other comfort food and candy when one of us had a bad day and needed some chocolate and hugs. Where we jumped on the bed till we broke it and almost choked laughing about it. Where we helped one another get ready quickly when we were going out. Where we sometimes fought and made up on the spot. Where you held me close every night to sleep. Where i kissed you every morning to wake you up. Where you held my head to your chest as i sobbed and cried because you had to go and i couldn't take it. Where you packed your bags and i hid your clothes so that you couldn't leave. Where you finally decided to stay with me.  Where you told me you can't live without me. Where i told you i can't let you live without your dream. Where we packed our things together and got ready to go to our new apartment where im waiting for you right now

"i've been down a minute and i've been trying to find my way home"
everything changed. i've lost everyone. or almost. dad who used to be my adviser is away and busy and i can't upset him with my stories right now he'll get worried about me and he and mom are don't need anymore trouble right now. i may have to change schools for my own sake but i don't want to leave the one im already in. it's a hard thing to explain but my school is my environment that ******* place ***** you in with all these cliques and groupes and "friends" it's where i belong and don't belong at the same. i want to stay close to chalbi he's kind of a piece of sanity in that crazy *******. am i in love with him? or am i trying to make myself believe that because khalil is gone and i don't have anybody to love now? what about bahe? he loves me. what the **** is wrong with me? i want someone i can love and who doesnt love me back! what the ****?!!!! i am ****** up n im sick of it and i wish people would give me a break. its either stay in the **** hole of a school with all the fake ******* and old friends and uncomfort but be at home or start off fresh in a new place and work hard because if i dont step up my game at school for this year and the next im for sure ****** but close to chalbi.....

le ciel était sombre. pas d'autres étoiles ce soir, leurs yeux était les seuls a brillé.
éclairés sur cette falaise -qui était depuis toujours leurs endroit préféré- par les phares de la voiture en devant de laquelle ils était assis,  ils se blottirent l'un sur l'autre, lui en l'enlaçant par derrière. ils regardèrent en silence les lumières de la ville un peu éloignée s'étincelé dans les pénombres de cette nuit de juin. rien n'avait besoin d’être dis. c’était un de ces moment ou les choses devaient se sentir et non pas se dire, un de ces moments ou les paroles pouvaient tachetés l'instant. et oh ce qu'ils sentirent cette nuit ci. il y'a des niveau d'euphorie que le corps ne peut atteindre. il y'a des extases qui n'appartiennent qu'a l’âme.  c'est donc ivre d'amour qu'ils passèrent cette dernière nuit

my love,
        it's one of those days again... those days where is start missing you so much it hurts and i end up curled up in my bed crying; but then again hasn't everyday been that kind of day lately? you flew back to france two weeks and three days ago.. i only saw you three times in the ten days you were here for and i never got the chance to give you a proper hug and it has been itching me since you left.. i keep rememebering the car ride.. i told you i had something to say to you and then choked up and couldn't get it out.. you were smiling as you promised you won't get mad about it because you knew what i had to say.. even after you promised i still fought to get it out right untill you stoped the car and i bursted out a frightened 'i love you'.. i was stupid to say it at that moment because we had to get out of the car as i was late to get home and we didn't have the chance to talk about it although knowing you, even if we had all the time in the world you would find a way to get away from that conversation as you have been doing for the past two years.
yesterday when i was going to school after visiting my cousin in the clinic i had to pass by our place..you know what place im talking about i'm sure i don't have to name it so i won't!.. it brought back so many memories.. but although i smiled going past it, i used to hate that place so much i concidered it hell. do you remember how many times i swore never to place foot in it anymore? do you remember how many times i came back to it just to see you? do you remember how many times we fought n made up in that place? how many times you humiliated me unfront of everyone there and how many times i forgave you without you even having to apologize? do you remember how many times you told me pretty lies in there?.. accually, do you remember anything about us? i know i do! all the details, all the good , all the bad, all of you, all of us.. i guess thats whats hurting me right now..
by the way you still havn't responded to my messages.. i've been waiting as i allways have been for you.. it's weird.. i think deep down i'll never stop waiting for you.. i just wish you would understand how much i need you and love you.. huh i got so frustrated i had to write and forgot i have to meet my friends in 8 minutes and im still in my pijamas!
i love you and miss you and im forever yours..bye!