When I am not with you,
the earth is still warm
from hours that are seen no more.
I can feel the rhythm of yesterday
asking questions
when everything collects on the currents
of our own shadows.

I cast last night among the hills
where we were young and thoughtless
peered above the words
Standing
before my eyes.
Where butterflies lived inside a song
Waiting
for the world to sing.

Looking to tell a story
somehow different
from any
ever written down,
I began unlocking the mysteries of life.
I found that the beauty
of growing old
had kept its secrets well,
from my ears.

In the middle of the wonder
there must surely
lay a seed of hope in the meadows
where you and I saw fireflies
in the still of night.
Perhaps there,
we can still hear the echo
of its footsteps.

Eternity wanders through my mind
seeking praise
while the breath of truth
shows the world its strong arms.
Life awakens
to close the door on lessons learned
and yet, the earth
is still warm.

I rode my bike home tonight,
on the road,
with all my lights off
in hopes that a car would hit me.
That way it would just look like an unfortunate accident.
That way I wouldn’t have to tell my dad I love him,
and my sisters to stay in school.
That way I wouldn’t have to ask them to forgive me.
But I made it home safe tonight.

if i were to nuzzle into the corner of your neck and tell you the things that are time bomb-ing inside of me,
would you still tickle my curves with your familiar fingers? would you still look beyond me, grasping the galaxies of my soul with those eyes i know i knew before i met you? would you wait patiently for me to sputter undesirable fears before whispering with all the gentleness that you'll love me no matter what?
or is it
different
now, because i reaped your unblinking faith and have no harvest to offer. because i told you forever when you asked and didn't mention that thing where when you get too close i become aflame with claustrophobia, even if i love you undyingly. i have to run. i have to run. i have to bolt. you deserve a family.
i am finding reasons to find excuses to find justification for
avoiding telling you.
on my bed, you kissed me up and down and said, 'for life'
i didn't say anything .
you are a stunning piece of human and i am going to
let
you
down.
just like your mom did.
just like your dad did.
i don't think i shall ever sleep again.
i love you. i have to run. i have to run. i have to bolt.

Here it is,
here's your plan
there's nothing beyond it,
it makes me sad to see you reach low like this

You want a fancy car
A fancy house
A fancy woman
  (who only says
the right things,
   quietly,
at the right times)
A large salary
No problems
Miniature models of yourself
         well-behaved and clean

You want a stable, antiseptic love
Something static and sterile

Here's news,
If ever I was in tune with
Hermes and his speed and unashamedness,
(He was ever proud of being the God of Thieves)
His partnership with Iris as messengers
It is in speaking to you, now

My dream is not your 'American'
Because if it was,
It would be neat and profitable
Copyrighted to unnamed sources
I don't want that

I want, chiefly,
something frenetic,
Nothing tidy about it,
Cluttered with memories both wondrous and awful

A proudly imperfect man
To share flaws with
To say "You too? I thought I was the only one!"

Problems to muddle through
And be caught in
And solve, with a happy crow of triumph

A small garden, which I will probably end up killing anyway

Rambunctious, willful children
Who will not be afraid to challenge me
Whom I will teach to argue intelligently
Raised to be civil and
Above all, to be curious

I will not mind the mud
And the blood
And the pain
So much at the end

Because I will be able to die
Without shame for the life I lived

What I am trying to say,
with the hope you are not injured,
is that I don't want a part of your envisioned future
I don't want such sweet synthetic sterility
I supremely enjoy the whole of the mess