pain demands to be felt..
that is why you let break ups feel like shards of glass piercing through your skin,
"i was using you" feel like acid being pumped through your heart ventricles spewing liquid anguish through your veins
you let the memories consume your very existance so all that is left is the skin he once touched, the lips he once kissed and the emotions he still controls..
yes, pain does demand to be felt

but you see, i am pain.
i embody every syllable of that painful word..pain
i am every lie woven intricately into the seams of the pillow used to cushion the blows i inflict.
i leave you trapped in the very depths of  your mind, made easy by your naive attempt of grasping onto the words used to lure you in, i love you

i am the whispers of motivation urging you to sniff sniff sniff your way deeper into my domain where you are nothing but a chess piece in a battle not easily won.
i am the deep seated hunger that devours any sign of "happy"..the breaking, smashing, burning of hope
i am a master of deceit, carefully manipulating your thoughts through the simple tug of a string, i am your master.

but I was not born like this,
I became it..so if you really think about it,
I am love, because love was the reason I became pain.
this may be confusing, but once again think about it..

love demands to be felt...
that is why you sit smiling awkwardly at your phone,
why you get butterflies..I mean the whole **** zoo in your stomach when he looks your way,
you let your feelings consume your very existence until all that is left of you is the hand he holds so tight, the hair he moves away from your face and the heart you laid right out for him...
yes, love demands to be felt..

but you see, I once was love..
I embodied every syllable of that beautiful word love
I was the roof over-head when the storms of life came thundering by,
I was anything you needed me to be because at the end of the day I didn't want to be anything if I didn't have you.
So I let myself go, I became my own foe
just so you could have that shoulder, I mean that extra soul to lean on

you kept taking and never giving,
this one sided love became toxic
I took one look at myself and realised that I didn't know who was staring back at me..
much like how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly,
but the reverse, I began to shrink.
the butterflies turned to moths, the smiles to tears and soon enough,
love became pain,
and they both demand to be felt.

When he looked at me?

I left like the monalisa in skin and bones,
Like the Eiffel tower at night,
Like his every desire and fantasy standing in human form right infront of him.

When he touched me?

He made my nerves ignite and send sparks all through my body.
He would put his arms round my waist and that... That felt like home.

When he kissed me?

His lips pressed against mine, and produced movements that seduced my mouth.
He always left me begging for more.

When he spoke to me?

His voice captured my attention,
Producing sound that my ears yearned for.
Sometimes i would just sit and listen not for what he was saying but how he said it.

when people see me,
they don't see me

they see this curse that took its time to develop inside me,
and had my body nurture it and watch it grow and multiply
only for it come back and bite me in the ***.

my curse is one that i share with millions,
it is a sly, manipulative devil which takes every bit of you
till you are no more.

so when people look at me,
they see an empty vessel which has been overthrown by an evil dictator.
one subjected to pain and torture day in and day out.

but that is not me,
i, instead am a soldier,
one who fights battles everyday.
i refuse to sit back and watch my life pass me by..
i will be a survivor.