There are times she feels so alone
Trying to do this thing called living
Aimlessly she wanders and roams
A path that's rocky and unforgiving

There are times she wants to quit
She's trying so hard to rid her depression
It isn't easy she must admit
Sometimes she feels it's her only possession

She is so comfortable feeling this way
A familiar place to be
And sometimes she would rather stay
In the dark, instead of free

Some people just don't understand
When you've been through trauma and pain
It doesn't matter who holds your hand
Things will never be the same

I wish i could explain it all,
BUT I BARELY UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF
Pple say I'm crazy and i don't listen
Don't throw me away because you think im broken
Im afraid that everyone will leave me
I push you away because i can't stand to be the one left behind
It doesn't matter how you treat me,
I'll do anything if you just stay,
To me your perfect ,But i hate you
Do you still love me?
I don't know who I am,
I used to be someone else
But that person is gone,
I don't want to become the person i am,
I do things im ashamed of ,
You tell me to control my urges.
Thats all i do is TRY,
I wish i could stop,
The pain is unbearable ,
I don't want to die, i just don't want to exist
I know you don't understand
Hurting myself eases the pain,
You say im not trying, im better than that,
I feel so many emotions all at once,
Most of the time im in darkness or i feel nothing at all

I have a void that i cant fill....
Im a hollow shell...

I lash out at people around me...
Say things i dont mean,
I hurt you before you can hurt me
I don't know my own mind from reality
Lost in confusion
I just want to run away
But in the end it finds me
I'm scared, I'm sorry i hurt you
Im not a  monster,
Please don't give up on me

Well someone just looked at me weirdly
What the **** is weird about me?
Am I doing something wrong?
What do they see?
Whatever man, I don't care
Go off and just ******* stare
Never mind I'm going back inside
This kind of **** I just cannot bear
It feels cozy in here A day worth forgetting Time to try to sleep Eyes no longer viewing Again and again
I sense that comfort is near
I think I feel like myself now
As my identity is starting to appear
This feels great
I'm able to think straight
Well these thoughts are atrocious now
What a stupid ******* trait
The sun is setting
Without making it too upsetting
Mind is now skewing
Just another night of intrusive thinking
I guess that's what I'll be doing
Again and again
And all I can do is ask myself
What will I feel?
And when?

When it comes to the fear of abandonment, I’m no stranger.

I see pretty much EVERYTHING (a ****** expression, a sigh, body language) as a sign that someone is going to leave me.

I’m worried that if I make a mistake, mess up, aren’t “good enough” or disappoint my “favorite person” in any way, that people will get sick and tired of me and leave.

And then — even with a lack of evidence that there is any real, true cause for concern (the person has reassured me they have no intention or desire to leave me), the spiral is already in motion.

I behave and react from that place of certainty that they would leave me.  I panic, freak out, and go to extreme lengths to stop abandonment from happening.

When this happens, understandably, it’s really confusing for the other person.  

Essentially, I’m  interpreting little things as being big (and certain) indicators that someone is going to leave or abandon me when, in reality upon checking,  the other person is NOT wanting to leave me.

This can be really confusing for people on the other end of this: lovers, friends, family members, colleagues, bosses, subordinates, therapists…

Sometimes they feel an obligation to reassure me. I worry sometimes that I am wearing them out.  And sometimes I do think I have evidence for this, because,, as they put it, “What can I possibly do to make you believe that I am not going to leave?”

Sadly, if I don’t break this pattern when fear of abandonment rears its ugly head, I realize that people can become very burned out.

I may be doing the exact thing I don’t want to do by pushing people away and alienating them. This hurts others, and they may end up feeling uncomfortable and unhappy enough to leave at some point…for real.

Well, this just proves that everybody leaves and rejects me, right?

Not exactly. I need to understand my responsibility in all of this.

I keep repeating the same patterns and having the same outcomes without the tools to communicate and express my fear in a way that is not off putting to others.

I don’t know how to ask for what I want and need and trust I can get it in healthy ways.

I don’t know how to establish and enforce boundaries that help me feel safe and secure.

I don’t know how to trust that I am worthy of someone loving me and sticking around.

So, I respond the way I always have…I get hysterical…I have panic attacks…I get very clingy, jealous, and sometimes angry and even paranoid.

And then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that people are going to leave. But it’s because I’m pushing them away.

I hated being alone more than a day, but I often found myself hiding away, because I needed to be alone.

when you feel the need to be close because everyone you love seems to drift away.

So, I would chase them like it was a race to keep them close.

I thought I needed their presence to feel safe, but the chase for their heart costed me.

Those abandonment issues were unhealthy attachments to never face my trauma, until I came face to face with my demons.

I was chasing comfort in the people who left me, I abandoned myself.

There Are there doors in my mind Some closed and locked with secrets to hide, Some wide open like a book-begging to be held by anyone's hands, my head sometimes feel on fire,With all those memories that burn (the good and the bad)? Nos-talgia can do that to you. Heartbreak too. I sometimes wish I could be someone new, And dump all the keys to all my doors somewhere where nobody has been before, And nobody could find them,Then maybe I wouldn't feel so lost. But I can't just put my  life on pause. It doesn't work that way. I just have to trudge on day by day and pretend I know which direction my feet are taking me and where my mind is at.

My family's generational curse is unkindness.

Unkind words, harsh voices. Screaming, shouting, arguing.

They wear it like a badge of honor.

And they expect everyone to forget.

Sweep it under the rug and never talk about it.

No matter how much it hurts.

And never change no matter how many boundaries you create.

we are the children who  instead of being raised, were always left hungry despite a full plate.

we are the children who had a home that never felt like home, surrounded by family yet still all alone.

we are the children who were forced to grow up too fast, whose mothers used to cry an ocean in our lap.

we are the children who never got to be children at all, who never had loving fathers to catch us when we'd fall.

we are the children who grew up despite all the pain. reaching to the sun, even in the rain.

we are the children who blossomed with broken hearts
💔