I am writing this letter knowing that you will never get to read it . There are things I need to hear myself say to you . First, I am going to tell you that you were lucky. You are a man who was able to violate the trust
You were able to cause pain and suffering in a child’s life and just move on without any repercussions.
The destruction you caused was a mere chapter in your life. I know that you deny what you did to me when talking to others,
but you cannot pretend with me.
I am the one you violated.
I am the one you betrayed.
I am the one who remembers
. You cannot run away from me or God.
We know the truth
, no matter what you tell others
or say to yourself.
When I first met you 6 years ago.
You were so easily able to still deny what you did even though you knew i knew what you did duane!.
When that chapter in your life was over, and you couldn’t touch me again, you moved on. But your actions had a huge impact on the rest of my childhood.
Your actions gave me anger that a child/adolescent should never have to feel.
You gave me fear that only children who have been traumatized have.
You gave me nightmares every night for years
I would wake up screaming in terror, trying to escape the monster in my dream that, even at a young age, I always knew was you.
You trampled my trust for any man or boy to enter my life.
You gave me a temper that led me to harm others as well as myself.
Due to your actions, I suffer with depression couple of times almost led me to end my own life
For years after your new life began, I struggled to keep the only one I had.
Even when times seemed to be good, a simple trigger would give me a flashback,
sending me right back to when and where all the fears began.
You took away my childhood.
You took away my mother’s chance to play and have fun with her only daughter during what was supposed to be a happy, free and playful time in her life
You took away my chance to have what other kids have,
a protective,
loving,
supportive
and respected father
You took away my time to learn and develop respectful and appropriate relationships with others.
You left a child with nothing but
fear
anger
confusion
to grow and develop with
To this day, at 35, I still am trying to learn about what makes an appropriate and healthy relationship between a husband/wife,
father and child
I am still trying to figure out
if I will ever be able to decipher
a good man,
from one like you.
You did not just ****** your daughter until she was 5,
you damaged her entire life in ways that you cannot even begin to, and never will,
understand.
Sadly, you are not the only man to do this, or something like it to his child
But I want you to know that I came out on this positive, compared to what could have happened,
All my life I went to church with my adopted family . Every Sunday. I remember always sitting there not wanting to be there. I was mad and confused on why he did this to me. Years after I was still holding that anger towards God.
Then one day recently actually I was sitting out side . It was dark and stars and the quiet all around me was what I needed. I realized I never thanked God for saving me when he did.. I was so angry with him I forgot he was the savior in my situation. I used always think what would I be like if I ended up staying with you guys. I dont think I would of survived. So I thank God every night as well as apologizing to him for all the anger.
He is now showing me how to be strong, move on, learn and use the feelings I had about my situation to drive me in a better direction.
The Lord showed me how to save myself from you , However, I believe that these goals have been decided on because I have developed something that others might not have.
I have experience in this type of trauma. I have passion needed to make a difference in the lives of other children who are being put through what you did to me.
I also have the intelligence needed to out-smart anyone who gets in my way of protecting those kids from people like you. They deserve a chance like I had to overcome.
There is one more thing that makes me different from anyone else who has been violated in such a way.
I have forgiveness.
the Lord ,is showing me how to forgive you But hear me when I say, do not be mistaken. I do not forgive you because I feel you deserve another chance. People like you do not change I firmly believe that you would harm another defenseless little girl.
I dont forgive you because I feel you had been punished enough. The only way I would feel that justice had been served would be if you were in prison for life, I do not forgive you because time healed all my wounds. My scars are still very much there and I will always struggle, to some degree, with what you did to me.
I forgave you for myself and myself only, It is because the
anger,
fear
sadness
are a distraction
It's something I do not deserve to have. I let the pain and suffering you caused me run my life and love for 25 years and that was too long. Itsx time to let that all go and find the emotions and feelings that truly make up who I am deep inside.
All those feelings I have towards you, as well as the ones you made me feel towards myself,
were like a blanket covering the real me. I forgave you to find myself,
and I have.
You deserve no credit for this
. You are lucky. Your child survived a traumatic experience and violation by you, her father,
and came out an
amazing,
smart,
driven,
kind
beautiful woman.
However, you do not get to claim me and my success. I did this on my own, (but in the beginning with the help from adopted family My anger towards you however is gone. I wasted too much time and energy on you and I learned to put it towards fixing what you broke. Now that I have, I feel you should know what you caused as well as the result.
You broke me, and ruined my childhood, but you will not have my present or future. I welcome an apology from you. But do not think for a second that I will accepting
anything less than a true, honest-to-God and responsibility-taken, apology. Remember, I am smart enough to know the difference. If you do try for contact I will also require an apology from. my mom. I deserve an apology, but i will not hold my breath. From the daughter you broke
Sorry if this caused any triggers for anyone. Im so happy im finally able to start finding myself after all this time in pain