I relapsed tonight.
As I watched the blood
Trickle down my forearm
All that filled my head
Were dark thoughts.
Why am I this way?
Why do I fear death
But constantly want to die?
The cold blade slicing my skin
The blood pooling  
It is a beautiful feeling
A feeling no one should have
But yet millions do.
We thrive for it.
What does it feel like
To be truly happy?
No dark thoughts
No feeling of a blade.
****** skin.
A room full of people
Who want you around.
Instead of a room full of people
Who don’t even know you are there.
I bet it is wonderful,
To never have to doubt your existence.
To never feel so... alone.

I can’t breathe.
My chest is tightening.
My lungs are collapsing.
I see the way you look at her.
The smile that appears.
I’d do ANYTHING to receive that look from you.

I try so hard
To be everything you want.
I try to satisfy you.
But I’m not good enough.
I’m not what you want.

I would give up my miserable life
Just to make you happy.
Is that what you want?
A quick cut and all of this would be over.
Everyone would be happy.

The water turns crimson.
The pain subsides.
Now the numbing begins.
What once was a colorful world
Fades to black.

I’m sorry I’m not her.
Are you happy now?

I feel it coursing my veins.
The toxins slowly killing me.
Yet giving me the energy to keep living.
I’m happy, but my mind.
My mind is filled with destructive thoughts.
As I walk this miserable, joyous Earth,
A snow begins to fall.
It’s peaceful at first.
I reach out my hand and catch an ashy flake.
Confusion flushes my mind.
Looking out, I notice a woman.
A happy woman.
A woman I wish I could become.
The ashes fall quicker and heavier as I approach her.
I am now standing face to face with this angel of ecstasy.
This angel who is glowing with pure bliss.
The ashes continue to rain
As I search for some kind of recognition in this woman’s eyes.
And finally, as the final ashes fall,
The pieces have now aligned in my mind.
This woman is me.
The old me.
The happier me.
These ashes that have now fallen still at my feet
Resemble the pain I have endured.
These ashes that lay at rest between
Who I am and who I was represents a journey.
A journey filled with emotions and memories that I cannot even begin to describe.
Now I must make a choice.
Stay this dark, humble woman.
Or begin that journey back to the light.

I knew what I was getting into.
You love to play the field.
But why am I so hurt
When I knew you could never change.
Your eyes are forever darting
From one beautiful woman to the next.
Your mind is always wishing
For something more.
How did I let myself succumb
To your charming wits and beautiful words.
You really are the devil.
And I am just one of your minions.
Here to serve the all mighty.
You speak and I obey your every command.
I’ve given my life to worship
A devil in the form of a *****.

The thoughts of suicide
Dance in my head
Like a lucid dream.
How much happier
Would the world be
If I could no longer breathe.
Would you cry?
Could you remember
Our last talk ?
Would you even care?
My mind would finally be free.
No more darkness.
No more demons.
As time goes on
The memory of my existence will fade.
You’ll make new memories
With better people.
You’ll fall in love again.
You will continue to succeed
As I lay a rotting corpse
Six feet under
In an overpriced box.
Don’t worry about me,
Because I’m finally free.

I can feel it.
The weight of my demons.
Pulling me down,
Down to a dark abyss.
I’m trying to fight them.
I don’t want this.
But with each tug or pull
I only sink deeper.
The light from the sun is fading quickly.
I’m terrified.
Never have I ever been this deep.
My senses start to fade.
No longer can I hear my begging screams.
The once freezing waters have numbed my limber body.
With one last gurgling goodbye
I’m yours for the taking.
I’m yours to abuse and manipulate.
No more running.
Your hold on my heart is tighter,
Than the noose around my neck.
You have conquered me completely.

Tonight is the night.
Her demons will be demolished.
Seven seconds.
So little time for most
But tonight,
Seven seconds means life or death for her.
Will her heart be big enough to keep her
Strong enough to pull through
Or will the pain overtake and devour her forever.
No one cares for her battered soul.
She is a burden to them all.
Will she ever be good enough?
Seven seconds
No one knows the battle she is fighting.
She’s so close to the edge.
She just needs another soul to reach out
And show her she is good enough.
I know this all to well.
Because “she” is me.
And those seven seconds,
Have officially run out.
Here comes the light.

I had no warning
Suddenly you appeared.
It was late August.
Through my blurred ***** vision
You were the only clear
Entity in the room.
You took my hand
And led me down the hall.
To you it was just
“Down the hall”
But I saw a spark of hope.
Hope that one day
I could call you mine.
Months of unimaginable events flew by.
And one night you finally asked,
“Do you want to go out?”
Inside my organs were screaming with joy.
I didn’t want you to know
How overly excited I was
So I simply said “yes”
But oh how I wanted to
Jump with the greatest joy!
The room became brighter.
And my cheeks hurt
From the biggest of smiles.
And I felt again
All the happiness I had felt
On that late August day.

I prey on this depression.
Twisted thoughts in my head
Drowning in my emotions
I want out.
I want to let go of these feelings.
Lock them up and throw away the key.
My mind can’t take it anymore.
Am I going crazy?
I search for pain.
I almost crave it.
My demons are my only friends.
Maybe this is why these feelings won’t go away.
The darkness brings me peace.
No one around.
No one to disappoint.
Just me.
I let the darkness take over years ago.
The demons took over a once happy and bright woman.
Now I’m twisted and dark.
All I see is pain.
This pain... it is a sickness.