The heat seeping into my body through my hands
The steam sticking to my face like glue
The smell of peppermint surrounds me

I close my eyes and listen to the thunderclap
I listen to the rain hit my window

I fall apart
I shatter
Into a million little pieces

I feel the tea splash onto my hand as I shake
It burns but I enjoy the pain
It reflects the pain in my heart

Footsteps
I throw up my walls
Wipe away the tears
Clean up the tea

I'm fine.

We've talked about staying together
We've talked about getting married
We've talked about kids

He's asked my ring size
He's asked about my tasted in jewlery
He's asked who I'm close to

I told him I love him
I told him it all sounds perfect
I told him I can't wait

But I haven't told him I'm scared

Scared he'll change his mind
Scared of change
Scared of the future
Scared it'll all fall apart

He wants to propose
I want to stall

You
You drive me nuts
All I can do is think of you
And how you so easily control me

I pride myself on being independent
But all you do is look at me
And craving your control
I become yours

Craving your hand on my throat
Your marks on my body
The immobility from your control
Your body pressed against me

I must feel your bite on my skin
You pulling my hair
Your hands roaming my body
Your breath on my chest

I must hear you say "mine"
The quit sound of undoing my bra
Your sigh of approval as you look at me
Your breathing next to my ear

I must see you smile at me
The pride in your face for having me
The relaxed version of you
The controlling you

You make me crazy
But I'm addicted
I must have more
You

You say you're different
You say you won't hurt me
You say I can trust you

They said that too
But they all were the same
They are no where to be found
They didn't just hurt me, they shattered me
They taught me why I shouldn't trust

Don't lie to me
You're only here for the chase
Don't lie to me
You'll stop caring once you have me

"What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing."
"Then why are you staring at me?"
"Because you're beautiful."

I graduated high school
But that wasn't enough

I got a full time and a part time job
But that wasn't enough

I started going to school full time
But that wasn't enough

I got good grades
But that wasn't enough

I became involved at church
But that wasn't enough

I made friends
But that wasn't enough

I helped at home
But that wasn't enough

I've tried so hard!
When will you be proud of me?

I'm liked cracked glass
I will shatter if not handled with care
Loving you has done this to me

I tried all the remedies
I tried to heal the wounds
All I could do was numb the pain
A temporary fix

Here I am
Curled up enveloped in nausea
Shivering from a fever on your couch
Tears in my eyes

There you are
The concern in your eyes
Running your fingers through my hair
Trying to help me relax

It wasn't the perfect moment
But it was wonderful just the same
It was a glimpse into a life with you
And I hope I get to have more
Little imperfect moments with you

I'm a reckless mistake
I'm a cold night's intake
I'm a one night too long
Imma come on too strong

All my life
I've been living in the fast lane
Can't slow down,
I'm a rollin' freight train

One more time,
Gotta start over
Can't slow down,
I'm a lone red rover

Imma hold my cards close
Imma wreck what I love most
I'm a first class let down
I'm a shut up sit down

I am a head case
I am the color of boom that's never arriving
And you are the pay raise
Always a touch out of view
And I am the color of boom

All my life
I've been living in the fast lane
Can't slow down,
I'm a rollin' freight train

One more time,
Gotta start over
Can't slow down,
I'm a lone red rover

How did it come to this?
Love is a polaroid
Better in a picture
But never can fill the void

I look in the mirror
My mask hides the broken girl

I wash away the perfect skin
I wash away the rosy cheeks
I wash away the boldness of my eyelashes
I wash away the red lips

I look in the mirror
I see the broken girl
The girl the world thinks is whole

My tough shell
It hides a fragile girl
The sarcasm and sass
It's covering pain
The innocent appearance
It's masking corruption
The quiet moments
They're concealing turmoil

So please be careful with me

I am from Bangle, the tiger
Believing he’d come alive and
Scare away my bad dreams.

I am from listening quietly
To chirping crickets on a starry
Summer night.

I am from being a military brat,
Climbing trees and scraping knees.

I am from musty, old basements
And farm chores at six in the morning

I am from a messy bedroom
And horse camp.

I am from candy corn, m+m’s,
And my grandmother’s funeral.

I am from exploring new houses,
Quickly running around
And playing hide and seek

I am from Christmas in Florida
And steaming strawberry rhubarb pie.

I am from my dad singing “My Maria”
To me as we cuddle on the couch.

Love
It's a strange feeling
It makes you do funny things

It makes you risk missing work
because they are sick and need comfort

It makes you stay up late
because they need to talk about stress at work

It makes you smile
because a friend said that name

It makes you change your life
because you want them to love you too

It's a strange feeling
It makes you do crazy things
Love

Pressure every where I turn
Everyone wants something

They want me to do well in school
They want me to excel at work

They want me to be home
They want me to be social

They want me to be an adult
They want me to ask for help

They want me to be strong
They want me to open up

Everything is what they want
When is it going to be what I want?
When can I be me?
When will my voice be heard?

Catholics.
The outcast Christians.

How fast I'm falling for you
How much I think about you
How much just seeing you affects my mood

It scares me

i failed
im sorry
i tried to be a friend
now im an enemy to be dealt with
im sorry

My mind is always working
Thinking
Analyzing
It won't stop
It won't slow down

Then you kiss me
And my mind goes blank
No thoughts remain
And it's amazing

No one sees the tears
The pain
The anxiety
The fear
The anger
The loss in interest
The loss of determination
The lack of emotions
The loss of me

Why should they?
It's not like they miss me
It's not like they care

I used to love going outside
I used to love playing with the kids
I used to love making plans

Now I want to stay in bed
Now I want the children to go away
Now I want to have a reason to cancel plans

I used to hate being alone
I used to hate crying myself to sleep
I used to hate goodbyes

Now I love being alone
Now I love the post crying naps
Now I love seeing them go

What's the point in eating if everything is bland and sounds gross?
What's the point in trying if no one cares?
What's the point in loving if they don't feel the same?
What's the point in following the rules if you still get in trouble?
What's the point In preparing for activities if they're going to be canceled?
What's the point in caring if you're only going to get hurt?
What's the point in living if no one would miss you if you died?

I took the leap
I trusted you
No tests or time
You had my trust from the start

I opened up
I let you in
Everything was told to you
No holding back

But now I'm drowning
Now I need you
You don't want to hear it now
You say you're done listening

I walk away
I don't want to be a pest

I play my music
And accept being on my own again

I let them chase me
But that's all they want
A chase

They don't want the home to share
They don't want the kids
They don't want the happy ending

I let them chase me
But I want the happy ending

you had me
but you let me slip away
now here you are

you say you want me back
you should know by now
words are as useless
as trying to wake the dead

ive come to far to go back now
you want me?
prove it.

things happening to fast
left in the dark
shaking uncontrollably
anger swarming
fear swelling up inside
bottling everything
having to hide
unable to breathe
unable to stay still
unable to think
trying not to break
a ticking time bomb ready to burst
ready to strike
chained in place
caged
needing to run
restraining the urges
not wanting to make things worse
concern about the future
not budging when told to leave
seeing the hurt and fear in her

You think you can hide it
But I can still see it all
The pain, the memories
The fears, the wounds
I see them all as they
Cross your face
The emotions I see
They don't scare me
What honestly scares me
Is knowing you don't
Want me to see them

Cornered
Trapped
Caged
No where to go

Fear
Terror
Broken

Mad for crying
Memories flooding back

Scared to move
Wanting to run
Ready to dart

Annoyed that she won't listen
Grateful she won't leave even though
She's been told over again

Wanting to curl up in her arms
Denying any attempts of comforting

Wanting to hide
Wanting to be alone to cry
Wanting to just disappear

"Smile!"
"One big happy family!"
"Pretend you love each other!"

These cheery phrases
Repeated over and over
As family portraits are taken

They all sound harmless
Until you think about them
Think about what they mean

Raised in a Catholic family
Taught that lying is wrong
Yet you tell me
"Pretend you love each other!"

This family is not happy
This family is full of
Hate, pain and sorrow
Yet here we are
One big happy family

"I love you"
"Yeah"
And with that simple exchange you've ripped my heart out

I'm drowning
Where is the surface
I can't get a breath
My lungs are burning
I can't hold on much longer
Someone
Anyone
Save me!

My lungs are filling with water
Where is everyone?
Help me!
Please!

I surrender
I close my eyes
I give in to death
Goodbye

In a world full of liars and haters
It's wonderful to work with genuine, honest people
The unconditional love,
The smiles,
The tears,
The giggles,
Everything about them is authentic

Until they grow up

They are toddlers

Everyone is broken somehow
That's what makes them beautiful

They throw their hats in the ring
They may get a glance
But yours is the one I search for
Yours is the one I'd choose

I want to scream
I want to yell
I want to fight
But I'm bound and gagged
And all I can do is **watch

Your pircing glares
They hurt more than I show
I don't understand what happened
How things got like this
Thinking of how things used to be
It tears me to pieces

I love you
But you don't seem to care
And it's tearing me to pieces

You say you won't fight with me
You say it's pointless
But can't you see?
I don't want you to fight with me
I want you to fight for me

I've given you every reason to walk away
Yet here you stay

Outside I'm strong
Inside I'm weak

Outside I'm brave
Inside I'm terrified

Outside I don't care
Inside I'm a mess

Outside I'm fine
Inside I'm crying

Outside I'm over you
Inside I'm still in love

Will you ever look
To see how I am inside?

I sit here
Telling you how I've been
Telling you about my new friends
Telling you what I want to do
But you don't hear me

I sit here
Showing you pictures of friends
Showing you pictures I colored
Showing you my grades
But you don't see them

I sit here
I blow you a kiss
I leave my picture next to you
But you don't know

I walk away
Leaving your grave
Until I visit again

He may have been my first love
But that was young love
You may have been my second love
But that was real love
And I don't know if I'll ever recover from you