AshWilson: Poems

AshWilson Mar 2019

A small victory earned today.
I thought I was out.
I wanted to end it all again,
And leave them all about.
I thought it was all over,
I thought I was finally done.
A small glimpse of happiness and I thought I wasn’t numb.

I wanted to be at rest. I wanted to finally relax,
But I can’t get it off my chest, the family that’ll be on my back.
I never thought they cared,
The bond was only blood,
But I just can’t shake this feeling.
This **** feeling in my gut.

My mind struggles to hold on,
Holding back my temptation.
I can’t even remember the days,
Were happiness wasn’t just my imagination.

I have to put it back down, I need to find my grit.
I need to put it all aside and finally recommit.

Recommit to finding happiness,
To find my own light.
I hate this feeling inside my head.
But for myself.
I have to fight.

I wish I were a boy

AshWilson Feb 2021

I wish I were a boy

I wish I were a boy
And I’m not talking about the privilege or the safety.
I’m not asking to walk down the street with both my headphones in.
I’m asking to get out of my female body
And to get that scruffy chin.

I don’t want a ***** to brag about the size
I just want to feel like I’m not wearing a disguise

I wish I had the hands and the right jaw
I wish I had not worried about my ******* at all

I wish I was raised to feel pride
So just for once happiness can be by my side

I found this in my notes from a year back before I had started exploring my gender and my pronouns

Just like you.

AshWilson Feb 2021

Just like you.

I just want to be like you.

I want to sacrifice my time for the people I love but now I hold that sacrifice over their head because they don’t know how much I do for them.
I wanted to love myself like you, mom, but now I’m just called a narcissist.
I wanted to show them what’s right but they’re angry I never admit what’s wrong.
I wanted them to look beautiful but now they say I shame them for who they are.

I just want to be like you.

I tell them how much I do for them because they don’t see it.
I loved myself so much that I didn’t leave room to love who’s around me.
I was so desperate to be right that I never admit when I was wrong.
I shamed my kids for who they were because I couldn’t bare to let them live a different life than mine.

I AM like you.
I’m more like you than I wanted to be.
I wanted to be the innocence I saw in you,
But now I’m exactly like you. And I’m terrified.

"The abused become the abuser" - Rick Tollcyzk?

my demon,your light

AshWilson Mar 2019

my demon,your light

pick up the blade they spoke to me
Put it against your skin.
Press the blade on your arm and feel the relief set in.

You’ll feel no more pain.
You’ll sense no more suffering.
You’ll finally relax your organs and sense your memories buffering.
You’ll finally be at rest, your demons won't speak to you.
They’ll lower you to your bed and clean up all your issues

You felt the light so close but decided to push it away.
To search for your own light, why did you decide to stay?
You’ve suffered enough pain but you chose to fight it.
I don’t understand your choice, that’s why I’ve never tried it.
You chose to put the blade down and clean your head of thoughts.
You decide to continue living and fight what life brought.
I don’t understand your choice, that’s why I’ve never tried it.
But I’ll remember it all the next time you try to fight it.

— The End —