I sit alone.
I taste the bitterness
of my tongue
and somehow
life is more bitter
than this stale breath;
more empty than my cold bed
less comfortable, than my bleeding heart
more drowning, than nonsense
and less appetizing
than my own
rotten
mind.

Now I sit in two.
I whisper to my friend,
or,
what he desires to be called...
I tell him:
I wonder if there is
a primitive man
somewhere
in another world
absent
of the
vainglory
of future man.
Primitive man sits, nursing a wound
He stares into the night sky
and dreams of my life
he hopes his wound would be
as superficial as mine.
He imagines the weight of my wounds
as mere foundations for greatness.

All the while...
I dream of him

My friend chuckles.

I say:
Imagine how I see him.
Imagine his mind absent of media,
as if the universe
cured him of some life-threatening wound.
I tell my friend:
He was made perfect, you know.
I tell my friend:
That man could cure the world if you gave him a chance.
He would be a god.

My friend gives me a sideways glance.

What?

He offers a gesture of non-confrontation.
I relax. I sigh. I simmer in my somberness.

Imagine him! I declare.
The things he could accomplish in my life and me in his!

My eyes glaze over.
Instead of a deer, I'm an insect.
Instead of a car, it's a train.
Instead of headlights, it's the sun.
I'm not frozen, I'm petrified.
Because:
maybe, at the end of the day, he and I are the same.

That primitive man.
He would bumble around society. He would be consumed by the media before having the answers. It would devour his perfection. In the wake of its *******, the carcass of his potential mastery would be a mere ornament in the media's MTV mansion.

And I, society's specimen of advancement and culture?
I would be devoured by that primitive man's natural world. I would be reduced to moaning and wailing, crawling like a stuck pig, hoping to find a highway, all in vain. Why don't I just lay there and die?
And that nature? It wouldn't leave a carcass. It's too efficient. It's too...
Monstrous.

The primitive man. He's the god of his world.
While I. I can dream of being a god, if that helps.

But will the void mumble.
Will it turn in its sleep?
Will the god, in some slumber, whether dream or nightmare, ever
ever
dream
of being me?

Well.
Then it's in for
a rude awakening...
so to speak.

13th October, 2016
To all this will concern:

I sit alone.
I just sit.

When I breathe, I try not to stir the air
and make sails out of cobwebs.
When I breathe, I urge my chest
not to furrow my shirt.
When I breathe, I almost die
so that I'm barely breathing.
For who should want my breath
to be more than a whimper?

If I breathe,
butterflies can take the day off,
for my breaths will churn hurricanes.
They'll cause wars in the far reaches of the universe.
They'll make God sneeze.
"Oh, I'm sorry... bad breath."

If I breathe,
I'll be presumed alive.
I'll have to work.
I'll work for big tobacco,
or BP
or the mafia: whichever one.
My ecological footprint will be the bodies
of your loved ones.
I'll do this because, if I work at the grocery store,
who knows when I'll sell food to the local
serial killer.
I'll be aiding and abetting the 9 to 5 of Freddy down Elm street!
Who wants that?

No, no. Yes, I'm right, it's better this way.
And if you push me.
If you so much as touch me.
Millions, perhaps billions, of infinitesimally small parasites will swarm your body. You'll sneeze.
"I'm sorry. I haven't showered for thirty days because: the oceans, you know?"

Action has consequence and, after so many years of trying not to be a burden and, somehow, still being a bigger burden, I'm convinced its time to go.

I've decided to be a sack of compost... Grade A compost.
I'll mail myself to a respectable farm (non-GMO mind you).
I'll pray to all the gods and living, semi-living & unconscious entities beforehand to straighten things out that I'm signing up with Jesus: nothing personal, I just don't think the rest of you have good benefits (you have to be cordial. After all, I'm going to be something important one day. Grade A compost isn't cheap.)

The last step was to write this letter. Digital, of course. Don't want to waste paper mailing this to everyone. Yes, I'm not stupid. I paid all the different energy companies in the world the exact dollar amount per second it would cost someone to read this each time the page is accessed until... well, the end of this website. Have to be practical.

This is a strange suicide letter, I know, but bare with me.

My method of choice.

Well, I don't want to leave a mess, so I'll just wait until I'm dead.

How did you think this was going to end?

Leave pity behind
don't ask for the help
for if you do
there'll be a yelp
and a brand new, gleaming
branded welt

But I did ask
for something new
then came the belt
numbers one and two
Now I've got what I asked for:
my welts and bruises
A slave must ask
A free man chooses

No child may bear
the weight of decision,
but their keeper may strike
if the child is useless
So devil may care
May care for the children
If the parent does not
he'll boil 'em in cauldron.

In youth there was a dream
to find the key
but age has worn it down
so abandon the plea.

In form alone
in shape it thrives
it shifts and shouts
it lies in terror.
I wonder where
I know it from
and who it is
and where's the gun...
But the body it held
the secrets it whispers
I cannot know
for my tongue's like a bell.
The final knell
that soul did hear
was grave and sharp
that much is clear.

Solutions are like dishes.
They have ingredients
and once one is found
you can make it again.
Yet, my lonesome irksome
won't pass with time
and since there's no reason
I guess I'll just rhyme.

I've been to the ocean
its embrace like the grave.
When you're caught in its arms
you're too lost to save.

In somber dreams blue
I do think of you
and drift on a draft
of winds that I knew
Without you I'm there
in oceans not fair
my weeping's a flare
an SOS' glare...

Isolated I am
a man in a maze
No matter where I turn
I am forlorn
solutions are infinite
but momentary
and worn.

Even as we danced,
there was no echo
of lovers lost...

The lake
was as a sheet of
glass that I thought would
crack
if we lost
a step.

The music
was the rhythm
of our hearts,
slow, but fierce
calm, but alive.

I taste the tearsdrops of
the heavens
bathe me in serenity.

I've known beauty,
but never perfection
not before this moment
melted my heart
and spread it like butter
over her love.

Yet, in the quiet
rapture,
there was a darkness.
Heartache troubled the
solace of the dance.
I drew back the blackened veil
and to my surprise
I found myself...
my identity...
buried for too long
in the misery of
flames of ire.

It was then
I knew
she
I would cherish
with abandon.

I stared
into her gentle eyes
I held
her trembling hand
I kissed
her doughy lips
and I loved
like sorrow
eclipsed.

The day begins when
moonlit sky
smothers the land in darkness
while sun
is shy.

I light
the hundred candles
slowly
gazing into each one
one at a time
time, the measure of
each flame.

Time is that length of stride
It is the path upon which
all life ambles
fighting the mysterious current
but unable
to avoid
the departure we call inevitable.

Each candle's light is power
it cannot be measured with the mind
we ask time of the flame's life
but
does the flame truly ever die?
I see a hundred flames and
from where did they come?
I imagine them as humans.

Does a man, born into darkness,
imagine the convenience
of sight?
Does a man, born alone,
imagine the blessing
of another?
Men dream of an afterlife
of a god
of an in-born purpose to one's life
so,
what is so impossible about that?

We measure the machine's intelligence
by its ability to think for itself,
but
surely the irony
is in what gave us such ability?
Or in whether thinking for ourselves
"is" life?
It is too much for a man
to give in
to imagining
the true power of creating,
when to create,
a man can only put carved wooden head
on carved wooden body
and **** the strings
in so doing, create life.

The atheist
will latch onto the popular reason
against a father
and will tell us that
we must not believe in anything ruling over us
believe instead that this made us
this
anarchy
luck
randomness
something
I don't know
lets theorize
let's not answer the question yet
let's not fool ourselves
let's not trust that book
let's make our own
let's make ourselves
let's change man to woman
let's ignore the conscience
we're not alone in that
laws are meant to be broken
when we can't make anything new
let's...
let's...
let's...
destroy the world,
because that's also an unbroken rule
and humanity
is already
broken.

I scratch my head.
What do I know anyway.
After all, I'm no one important.

The herd moves:
he who leads the herd, is no less the herd,
than he who worships the herd.

The first candle goes out.
My eye cannot measure its lacking.
Candle... after candle... and the next candle
snuffed in its own time.
It is only when the tenth candle goes that I notice the difference.
The room grows darker, like a misguided world.
When the last candle fades,
I feel the shame of destruction weigh heavy upon my soul,
but,
then I see it,
reaching beneath the door.
I ****** open the windows
and a wondrous dawn's light floods the room.

Yes, I forgot.
Where does the flame come from?
I will never know,
but I know, whenever it seems darkest,
something will catch fire
and the world will be illuminated
once more...