and i was doing well!
well enough to hide i wasn't
ease concerns of those that learned
fine inside to never mind

scratch one thousand poems
never worth the ink
words that once were caramel
no longer quite so sweet
memories of us
that have not aged well
now reside
in the starless part of mind only
i do not visit them any longer
i'd imagine they are lonely

and i'd of loved for you to need me
but it seems
that's not the case
never needed you to love me
but it seems
we've lost our place
and it's times like these
that i believe
maybe i shouldn't stick my heart out
so far

I wonder
Does the pen look down at ink
And say
"Look what I have written!"

Another patch of melancholy
This one much longer than the last

Here's the truth.
I lied.
When I said my car broke down
My vehicle was fine
However I very much was not.
I apologize
It was just easier
To say it couldn't drive
Rather than I had no drive.
Much more relatable
Everyones had to replace a part or two
I wish fixing me were so simple

The words
Must have had a prior engagement
Something
Much more pressing than being at my fingertips

It's 3:00am again
My head has not yet hit the pillow
I am unable to sleep as of late
Not quite sure why that is
Though my eyes
Plead to shut
My mind zig-zags
Across a thousand thoughts
Most of which include you
Most of which are make believe
Day dreams
That do not end when the sun sets

Just because the tides are rising
Does not mean that I will drown

I need to remind myself of this.

Because there are times I am but ankle deep
And I can feel my lungs filling up with water

Where do the words come from?
Before they pop up in my mind

Where do the words go?
When it seems I've run out of sentences to scribble

i am now lost
though not the way one is
when they take a wrong turn
for at least they were moving with intention

i am lost
in the sense
of having no direction
no destination to step towards
and this troubles me greatly

i am lost and in trouble
not the fun kind
i am not breaking any rules
but i can feel my soul breaking
becoming smaller with each passing day
for it knows i am not where i belong
though knows not
where to go

i have
always hated loud noises
the refrigerator dispensing ice into glass
the sound tubs make as water boils down
the treble in voices rising in opposition
all make me tremble
my heart jump
eyes dart for possible escape

if you only write
what others want to hear
you will never know your words

and now i only see you
in my memories and dreams
i know winter months are coldest
but late december really stings
frost bitten
not by weather but by temperature of shoulder
it is over
it is over
it is over

she always smelled like oranges
now i stay away from citrus
distance is
tough
but you see trust
is miles away

Sola takes her lattes
So late
Solar panels
Fuel the drive
Solstice to solstice
So longs and goodbyes
Come easy on the road
And on the wheels roll

I'm a social drinker
I drink whenever I'm around people
Or just prior to a social engagement and right on thru it
I put on a cheerful ruse knowing people will buy it
People are always looking to be sold something
So I sell it
I celebrate.
They celebrate.
We celebrate together.
For a moment in time all is well
Rather all seems well
Though
I'm sure they wouldn't like me if I were sober
More importantly you wouldn't like me if I were sober
I don't like me when I'm sober

pit stops and pit stains
smiles dyed with coffee
mix ups and fixings
on the road once more

just have to go until you get there
once we've gone then we can stop

we were drinking coffee
i asked how she felt about tea
"i like certainty"
she replied

sometimes letting go
is the only way to hold on

Cigarette filled lungs
In hell with a smile
Ash covered fingertips
Might stay for a while

live today
no telling how much livings left

there they go
though here i am
wishing they were too
setting sail for oceans new
it surely
will be
blue.

often i can see the sadness
through the smiles and the jokes
laughter
just can't seem to drown
eyes that cry out

only when it's silent
do the thoughts speak up
perhaps they hide
in boisterous mind
mummering amongst themselves

I
“Seem to be ok”
They say
“Much better than before”
I
Tell myself the same
Still
I am not convinced

words don't do it justice
no sound vocal chords could make
would portray
the rising
tightness in my chest
the quickened pace of panic
anxiety swells around adams apple

nothing to live up to
save yourself

sitting inside when the sun is out
close all the curtains for shade
i know the highs gonna come down
i'm sure by noon there'll be rain

beams of moon shoot down upon
these shoulders tense and knotted
help me heal both soul and body
bring health to what has rotted
knees on pavement i request
let rest find me as i travel
grant me peace as i lay
once i have been unraveled

whats money
when you can't buy love
whats love
without reciprocity

love is not a problem
just find it hard to stick it out
though falling is quite easy
you soon find you hit the ground

unsure of every thought
no wonder i am second guessing what i write
though must one be certain
to put ink upon paper

lost my head
while searching for
my mind
so wrapped up in seeming well
insanity in vanity

Hold my breath til sun sets
Exhaling with the moonrise

i want to make
music
not only with strings and drums
but with
words
and
love

stick around
to blah blah blah
lets chit about the chatter

I don’t wanna die
Though sometimes
I feel like dying
Would
Be
fine
Haven’t felt
fine
In a while

take me outside
been inside my head too long

holding on
much longer then intended
daily doses
much more then recommended

no time to be sad
no time to be at all

darkness blankets sunsets
the time has come again
sunrise steals the cover
that time has come and went

not meant to be a riddle
though not all will understand
footsteps into fog
soul pointed one direction

we were screaming
then there was silence
unsure of which was worse

beginning to get drowsy
i can tell by the way my eyes
are begging to get to sleep
like when heartbreak asks for mercy
knowing it won't come

if ever i could do without
it seems that it consumes me now
with every breath my lungs withdraw
another second chance disappears