my facade slowly being torn

delicately ripping little by little

letting darkness seep through

lovingly caressing my soul  

tugging on it, pulling me back  halting me,

paralysing me

until I cave, and I am finally drained

I was staring at my ceiling
questioning the reason for my existence
my arms were stinging
my head was heavy
my heart was numb
so I decided
I didn't want to feel like this anymore
I wanted to test my limit
to see if my body could take it
so I did
I swallowed one after the other
  laughing
music deafening my ears
tears were spilling against my will
by 10 I thought to myself
how did it get to this?
I thought I was getting better
but no
I wasn't
so I kept going
by 20 regret skimmed my body
but my urge to be free was stronger
I pushed forward
more and more
my sister then caught my eye
a picture of all my baby sisters
in front of their lifeless one
filled my mind
and I broke
I broke unlike ever before
I stopped at 35
not any more or less
I don't wish for them to see that
to ruin them like that
I would never
I could never
I stared back up to the ceiling
And let the darkness take over
Only this was one I would wake from

my biggest fear is that eventually, you'll see me the way I see myself.