It felt so surreal
Because it was
.... but i wanted it to be reality and so i dwelled in the moment because detachment is never easy.

...And in the end you really don't have the energy to explain yourself anymore because you don't really owe anyone an explanation, Do you?

I don't know how to be myself anymore
I don't know how to express my feelings anymore
Because you
You made sure you made me feel like nothing
How did i get that far though?
I was so caught up in the thought of not wanting to lose you that I made you a god
How couldn't you see that i loved and cared for you though?
My effort
How could you take advantage of that
..but i guess it was my fault
I let you define me
How could i let a mere human being just like me
Take over me like that
How could i be so weak?

Sometimes i just want to be reckless
Drink until i cant walk straight
smoke until i feel like i'm in Nirvana

Yes its now that bad
I've got to that point

but then i remember that there's more to life and even though it looks cloudy ahead
I'll get there.

Remind me again why i ever looked down on myself
Remind me again why i ever thought i was not enough
Remind me again why i ever compared myself to them

Remind me again why i ever felt like i was not whole
Why i ever felt like this was my life
****! How did i just completely lose myself like that
because out of this little box of negativity
I found another part of me i never knew
I found happiness
I found myself
And here i will stay.

You don't feel the excitement anymore
I don't double text like i used to
You don't see the extra effort anymore
The energy just decreased from a 100 to 0 real quick
My words don't seem to have an effect on you anymore
So i keep quiet
And no
I'm not expecting you to ask me why
I'm tired of explaining the reason why.

I really hope you've got genuine people around you
I hope you see those people
Those that are consistently there for you
Those that are supposedly 'annoying' to you but always want to make sure you're okay
People who see you for who you are and appreciate you
People who don't throw your past mistakes in your face but instead push you to do better
People who will tell you 'no don't do it' when you're now straying and bring you back into the right path
They are not easy to find btw because so many people outchere walking around with masks
But i pray you know who's for you and who's not because you can spend half of your lifetime in messed up situations because you think you've got a backbone when it's actually decaying slowly
And you'll only  notice when you finally fall and get wounds that will take years to heal
We can't journey through life alone and I hope
I just
I really hope
The people around are truly for you because even family can tear you apart.

What if today i just shut down
What if today i get so overwhelmed with my emotions that tears just involuntarily roll down my cheeks
What if today i finally gave up on myself
Not committing suicide but just giving up on life and its battles
What if i become so tired that i cant stand on my own anymore
What if i shut everyone else out
And never reply to any messages and pick up any calls
Will you look for me?
Will you still be there?
Will you still help me to get up like you said you would?
All that negative energy doesn't it scare you though?
I will not blame you , if you decide to give up on me because i would have done that to myself already
But would you be that persistent though?
Like you promised?
Or am i too much for you now?
Because who wants such a damaged soul like that right?
But if i ever get to that point
I hope you'll still be there
Whether you will or will not get through to me
I hope you'll try
because even I
I sometimes don't know what to do with myself

So many questions we don't have answers to
So many difficult situations we find ourselves in
And i don't know if we'll ever find answers to those questions or know why we have to go through those difficult times
But I Hope we can all pull through in the  end.

I just want to run until i'm tired
i just want to run to a place where its only me
I just want to cry without anyone watching because i don't want anyones' sorry
And i don't want anyones' pity
because they will never understand.
There's more to my frustration and i'm the only one who knows how it feels
There's more to my sadness than anyone will ever know

" Shes got issues they say"
And its true i do
And i just want to get them out of the way but
I cant .