Hold onto me as tight as you can,
I’m just learning to walk,
And here I stand unsteady, terrified to fall.

As a child I ran, instead of taking baby steps,
Full confidence, and full stride,
Pride was all I ever saw on my mother’s face.

I could get high off of that smile,
So I became an addict, desperate to show my capabilities,
Dying to show my perfect qualities.

My mastery became a constant, an expectation,
And perfection became my whole life,
Even though society screamed it was all a lie.

Never did I feel worthy,
“Good enough”
Was a phrase I was foreign to.

So I sought out my worth,
And ended up finding my substance in substances,
I stole drinks in the moments I was alone.

A dangerous game, with rewards reaped in the dark
One sip, two sips, and a million more —
I‌ spent the nights drunk on gasoline.

Flames ran through my veins, torching my soul,
A silent torture devouring my brain,
Appeasing the demons within.

They told me I was ageless, and I fell for it,
Is that what it is? Not liquor, but maturity,
Is maturity my worth?

If the burning made me feel older,
Would the blood and bone feel the same way?
So, I scarred my own skin to test my theory.

It never brought the maturity,
The feeling I knew would make everyone proud,
But instead it reminded me I was alive.

I was ripped from my own apathy,
And instead of the numbness,
I‌ felt every emotion I worked so hard to push down.

I tried to fight it all off, but I couldn’t any longer,
The weight of the feelings I forgot I had,
Made me buckle at the knees and crumple to the ground.

For the first time in my life I had stopped running.
And as the paralysis left me,
And all the emotions flooded to my mind,

I saw clearly.

No longer was I blinded by the expectations forced upon me.
Slowly I will heal, and I plan to walk,
So please, hold onto me, and never me let go.

The Sun, my dear love,
My sweet Sol, I thank you,
For this marvelous gift
You have given to me.

This present of chasing you,
Is glorious, others would dream of this,
But did it need this catch twenty-two,
Did it need this sickness, this curse?

I am sick - diseased,
Due to your gift my dear,
Blessed to be in your love,
Cursed to be burnt by your rays.

I let my infatuation build oblivion,
I let myself decay in your presence,
I let myself fall, deep down —
Let myself become addicted to abuse.

Please take back this gift,
Please cure me of your curse,
This isn't love, it never was,
This is dependence, this is toxicity.

I let you drain my blood and soul,
While believing you're the light,
The very thing that brings life,
But I was only feeding your vampiric ways.

You were never the bright Sol,
You were the grey, the outlier,
I am the green —was the green
I too, am like you now, a vampire, dead.

Bring me my freedom,
Feed me my sweet future,
I must find the necromancer in his home,
Ask him to bring me back to life.

Just so I can run far away,

Just so I can turn back to green.

I live in a world of green
Yet, I'm a faded shade of grey.
A dark stormy night resides in my eyes,
While the world is teeming with light.

The world - it's beautiful,
Brilliant and lively,
But here I am —
In opposition, to it all.

I'd rather sit here, in my home,
Made from death and decay.
Lick my wounds,
And drink the poison from your veins.

Every drop, a new addiction.
A new need, a new desire,
To have the only toxicity
In a land of clean.

Let it course through my body.
Let it wrack my brain.
Let it come.
Let it be my downfall, my oblivion.

Let my fangs turn red with your iron.
Bring your poison to me,
I'll take the burden away,
Only few, can handle the grey.

Feed my dependence,
Bring me my abuse,
Take the necromancer from his home
Make him bring me back to life.

Just so I can fall again,

Just so I can fade back to grey.