It's not a tight chested flame
That blocks the throat from breathing tonight.
It's that wicked feeling
That wicked need to start something
To let my mind drive into
That cool dark place and write.
Where words flow freely
And memory plays tricks on the mind,
Splicing licked up scents
And half eaten smells
Into brilliant shades of ever more.
It's catching my breath
After the four foot nothing girl
Screams, "I ******* knew it"
Or how I didn't expect it.
People like me
Excepting every brilliant facet
The mind can shake
From the wind ripped branchs
Of its broken bow.
Poets know pain
And feel it like they lived it
with every word they read.
They splay the pungent parts of themselves
So that curious ones can smell,
Like, "The best part of*******"
Or knitted sweaters for a friend or lover
Or that Eskimos have more then 400 words for snow.
It's like how his grandfather's mind is like a rubix cube,
Or the excitement he felt
when Greg walked us through falling 400 feet to our death.
I have to be apart of this.
I have to be apart of this.
But then again what stories do I have to tell?
What awe shaking words
Can I string together to dance like poet's do?
Would my tabletop napkin notes
Lay like used ****** food particle cleansing wear
And hang out over the crowd waiting for the waitress
To mop up this obvious mess?
Would some inner meaning reveal it's self last minute,
Just to save me from this duress?
When in truth it's just that in words I found a voice that screams
It won't shut the **** up
And if I don't let it out
It wonders to the restricted parts of me.
So I walk it like a dog across digital pages
Chicken scratch love note to girls I'll never meet.
Paint my world for perfect strangers
To lie waste to and judge like writing poetry is for the weak.

The day I met him
I was scared and I was shy
I didn't know what to expect
But I knew it was for the best

The day he met me
He was kind and reassuring
He was warm and well meaning

I knew him long ago
I knew him so long ago

His face weather worn
Love in the creases of his face
And roughness of his hands
He held me like child in his arms

I once knew this of myself
I knew you once long ago

Sometimes
When there's a look on your face
And you're a million miles away
I stare
Hoping you notice
And smile back at me

I stand
Taller than ever
A broken man repaired
Healing
Though it'll never be over
Look how far I've come

And a wistful wind bellowing by
And the taunt of your dress feathery light
And the moon glow shines beeming so bright
On the gloss white skin you're wearing tonight

I need a sign to awake passions deep inside of me
To savior the moment before it passes by

To love
To need
So brief
So tantalizingly

And the cold wind's stalk awakens the mind
Brackish and bleak prolonging the time
And the drone of its biting so tight
Freezes the moment in its hellish sigh

You are the perfect repose
You are the fire before smoke
You are the dance in the rain
Where the thunder escapes
You are the diamond in rings
You are the promise it brings
You are my hope and my cure
You are the reason I endure
You are the smell of august sweat
The light headed feeling of ***
You are the bitter and sweet
You are the reason I dream

I guess I should say sorry
For all that I've done
But you hurt me so badly
When you were gone
I'd rather
Be angry
I'd rather be numb
Then admit that I'm broken
From all that you've done
You're calloused and cold
And I bled so many nights
Just thinking I loved you
Regardless of spite
So I'm hear to admit
To my part in the break
I was careless and stupid
I wouldn't bend for your sake
I saw you were sad
But I thought it was a phase
And we'd make somehow
But now I know that was fake
For what its worth
You were the best of us both
And not a day goes by
My heart doesn't hope
That your happy, you're healthy
And taking care of yourself.
And that you finally found something
In somebody else
Worth living and thriving
To be your best self
And you're loving more deeply
Than we ever felt
I'm not a bad person
Though the mistakes that I made
Gave you all the reasons
To push me away
I own my part
And I know you were right
But that doesn't mean
You could just give up with no fight
You wore my ring
And you made a vow
For better or worse
We'd make it somehow
But that vow was a lie
And you knew from the start
Far more clearly
Than my cuckold eyes
I always loved you more deeply
Than you ever loved me
You owed me my freedom
Years before you would leave
And you could of saved me
Years from the grief
Beating myself
Into the person you see
I might look whole on the outside
But I'm absent of fear
And my heart never beat clearly
Since you were near
And death's but a friend
That I confide
Wishing so deeply
That I could die

So softly
The air leaves
These lungs fill
Just slightly
I messed up
I gambled
I drank up
I shot up

When will I ever learn?
When will it be my turn?

To heal from
These addictions
To find peace
In this fiction

I know I'm growing old
And these traps are for the young
I know my time is running out
But I'd rather just be numb

I cut up
The scars fade
I black out
Till the next day
I'm running
I'm dying
I smoke up
I'm flying

When will I ever learn?
I wish there was some cure

I'm drowning
In myself
I wish I
Was someone else

I know that I'm hurting
And its gone on for too long
When will I love myself?
Instead of getting numb

The bullet
Is waiting
The gun is
Just failing
The pills drop
Like candy
I wake up
They failed me

When will I ever learn?
To just wait my ******* turn

I'm tired
Of this life
Why can't I
Just die

Tomorrow maybe
I can't see that far
To wake up again
Is just too hard

How are the people?
That I once knew.
How are the people?
Between me and you?

I've lost a thousand years
Praying for something
And ending up right here
Hands empty
Heart bare

How are the children?
That we left behind?
The cats, the loves
The cold wind bringing sighs

How are we coping?
When love couldn't last?
I'm barely surviving
Reliving all thats past

And my body is aging
But my mind isn't letting go
Whirl wind sickness
Of things I already know

You're gone
And thats the basis of my heart
Dead and gone
A million miles apart

You could be right there
And I would never know
Loves lament
I guess this is growing old.

Just as long as I hear you laugh. . .
Just as long as I see you breathe
Just as long as I see you smile
Thats all you owe me. . . .

I'm becoming something I wish not to be

I'm becoming something other than I protrayed

Without you here, I'm becoming so random

No direction home
No home, its where the heart lies
And I just lie

You don't want to hear it
And you've never had the time
You'd rather ignore it

These scars of mine
These scars of mine

You thought you were brave
When in the sixth grade
You shaved your head in the mohawk
You still wear today

And all the kids stopped and stared
But I saw the tears
I saw the scars

That we both wear
That we both wear

Bothers in arms
We carried a knife at our side
Better to scare away the fights
Then ****** our eyes

A coward with words
They didn't want to die
And God knows we weren't affraid to die

And God knows we weren't affraid to die
And God knows you weren't affraid to die

Well I grew up more decent
Than any expected
Got a career and a life
Where I am respected

And I'd hoped as old men
We could look back and share it
Gruff beginnings but look at us now

An Engineer and Chemist now
An Engineer and Chemist now

Well you applied for your doctorate
And celebrated the hardest
You made it through sheer will

One mistake and you go an **** yourself
One mistake and you go an **** yourself

I'd by lying if I said I wasn't angry
I'd be lying if I said anything but
You made a choice, and though every door was open

Now every ******* door is shut
Now every ******* door is shut

My feet are blistering cold
The depression reared its ugly head
I can't move at all
And I wish that I was dead

And I know its just a phase
But its hard to not think its fate

Sometimes I think its Karma
For all that I've done wrong
And not these ****** up chemicals
Just writting all these songs

And I know its just a phase
And I wont live forever in this state

For a moment's reverie
I remember that midnight kiss
Underneath the faded city stars
But the memory's remiss

Cause I can't hold at all
The good I can recall

There's yelling in the background
A mumble to my ears
My heart starts beating faster
As it hieghtens all my fears

And I know that its just ghosts
In my head playing host

I'm so tired and so lonely
Best if I don't go out
The winter's cold
And it's bitter bite seems to shout

When will my soul heal?
And will I ever escape this hell?

Time to start faking
A smile for my dears
And let the music take over
Everything I hear

And smile once again
Despite all of my sins

Cause redemption comes equal
To all those who ask god
And forgivesness in our hearts
As long as it is sought

Forgiveness is just the start
But a stillness in our hearts

I wish so many days
That I had a deeper faith
And I wasn't so **** lonely
On these lonely days

So I pray I'll be okay
Maybe an answer will come today

For now its just silence
But as long as I believe
I can stand another day
Instead of take my leave

That's all I ask of God
As long as it is sought

I know that it's nightly
Fallen on my face
Stale beer and whiskey
Fillin up our place

I've asked for forgiveness
So many ******* nights
To whatever comes after
That bright and shinning light

And maybe deaths knell
comes too soon
And maybe you'll miss me
If there's room

Without me there

I've messed up so often
The wedge I drove is cold
The sweats and the shivers
Of a dry drunk growing old

I could count on one hand
All the good that I have done
Before the liquor
****** this silver tongue

And its not for me to say
That what I've been doing is okay
And I know its not my place
To tell you to go or beg you to stay

With out me here

Kiss sweetly the air
And to the few good memories
I never let you down
If you forget the drunken me

Kiss sweetly the air
And to the few good memories
Of loves loss
And new beginnings

Without me there

And its not for me to say
That what I've been doing is okay
And I know its not my place
To tell you to go or beg you to stay

With out me here

There's something in this fall air
Rotten and putrid
Defiled and rancid
Yet fair
That I should breathe this air

And could the musk have formed
From all the sins I take into my lungs

Maybe I'm not worth the time to remember

You called me names and said that I was wrong
And I was
But you were beautiful
And held my heart

And the stupid things I'd say
And the way I thought life was
But we're older now and can't move on
How could I move on???

You were perfect in every way
And I was flawed.

I loved you more
Than words could say
But what could I do to move on

And you moved on

I made all the mistakes
And found myself on my knees
You were right
And finally
I thought that I could
Change your mind

And I lost

What future do I have
When all is lost
I just keep living without meaning
Now that you're gone

So I must go on
And every day I seek out
A pattern of difference
But I keep seeing
That there's no difference

I just didn't appreciate what you did
So I ****** up
And made you leave

So what have I done
To amend this fate

You were perfect
In every way

And I can hardly breath these days
You were motivation
When the smoke had cleared

And I just keep breathing
I'm swallowing the air
To in take and move on
To someone just like you

One chance this time
Is all it'd take

If I could just find you
And mend these mistakes

But I know you're gone
And all these ****** up songs
Wont change a thing
To make thing right

Cause I was wrong
And now you're gone

I've got a broken back tonight
I just can't seem to get out of bed
Unless the beer is empty
Or the nicotine is all but dry

And I could cry, and I could feel sorry
That losts love is all I've had for years
But I'm smiling and I'm hopeful
And the world can't drag me down

It feels right and it feels so wrong
To be happy at a time like this
But I know, it just means I'm healing
And that sad state isn't needed no more

I could cry, but instead I'm smiling tonight

A cold drone
Escapes my lips
Its not right
That I should feel like this

The old bug
I know's got you before
Under tongue
And all she has in store

We write love
Like tattoos on our hearts
And kisses weld
A wall begins to start

And absent thoughts
The past takes fade
I missed you
What else can I say

Obession drives
And I let passion steer
An old nerve
All but disappears

They say love
Heals all festered wounds
But I think
It's all gone too soon

And I taste
My blood once again
Sure hate
When the past becomes a sin

But like clocks
Time just ticks away
And eats stone
Till all but sand stays

Its not quite
The same anymore
A sour drink
In all that you pour

And I hang
My head once and for all
Where your love
Once stood so tall

And now stands
A tower of familiar design
Where once love
Used to reside

But your gone
And I'm all alone
And cuts surface
With a blood red tone

I know you
Never said who you really were
I'm to blame
Lying and insecure

Guess I
Should just sleep it off
Get rest
While the walls all crumble down.

Down
Down
Down. . .

It sounds so sweetly
Coming from your lips
I hold it dearly
And pretend that I don't miss
All the nothings we once said

But it clouds the senses
To deny what they once loved
And turns to pensive
All that could have come
Souring to dread

I'm sorry I couldn't change
And that we needed closure
Just to feel a little sane
And that the posture
Caused you any pain
Please forgive me
For the things I cannot change

I wonder almost daily
And I wonder if you do too
If all love will plainly
End without its due
Just to find out that it's dead

Your thought comes so often
But you've probably moved right on
Did you try drugs to soften
I did for the void that your gone
To stop me from seeing red

I'm sorry I couldn't overcome
And that we needed space
So we didn't come undone
I hope the pace
Didn't caused you any pain
Please forgive me
For the things I cannot change

I wore a short sleeve shirt today
I'm not hiding my tattoos that way
For once I let em show
And wear with pride that I once fell
But I'm alive today
And there's so much that can say

My arms are tight against my shirt
Maybe they won't notice me
I'm just a normal teen
Day one the drama queen
And yes some cuts were deep
And yes one day someone will get close enough to see
But thats not today
I let my tattoos free
I let it show that I once fell
That I'm alive today
And there's so much that they say

My head is hiding down
I walk the halls like they still haunt me
Each person connected yet apart
And I'm all alone and in the dark
What makes one become a two
And two become a three
I've got so much to learn
Where do I begin?
How do I make friends?

Not everyone's an *******
Not everyone is mean
And karma's a ***** to those that are
Not now but one day
I imagine it being just
Not some glorious reparations
That maybe their first kid will suffer such
To have the tattoos of such luck
And they'll have to watch them walk the halls that haunt them
So maybe today I feel alone
But I know that it's not so
Everyone will struggle much the same

I'm letting my tattoos wonder free
Not pretty like the real ones
Not glorious or rebellious
Not glamorous or artistic in anyway
But twenty years down the road
I'm still wearing them for show
As meaningful and real as any could ever be
My self harm scars cover me
But I'm alive today
And there's so much that they say

So maybe I hate myself,
Maybe for a change I can hate somebody else
The liar, the *******, the crying and cold
The loosers, the lonely, the ancient and old
The wed to their stigma, it's always the same
Couldn't change their minds unless they felt the pain
Of loss, of loving, of never loving again
Of finding that someone and holding their hand
Just to pull it away,
It's so sad to say,
Maybe the truth is the fault lies with me
I'm ugly and stupid and probably diseased
I know that I'm dying cause I still breath,
why do I still breath?
I know that I'm living cause I hold my breathe,
Hold my head under cold water and wish for death,
It's a comfort, a hug, from my mom
Not knowing the difference is where I'm coming from
This is a cry
Only a cry for help
this is a cry
a cry for help
This aint over, it never is
I'm tossing and screaming for this to end
The ryming is gone
I'm I've nothing left to say
Just maybe tomorrow I wont feel this way

Something tells me
It'll be bitter sweet
To taste your lips
To taste you skin
Like a liar I've been waiting for this kiss
Like a liar I've been holding myself for you

And I know
You'll be disappointed to hear
All the women I've had
All the pretty but petty ones that got near

So I lie and tell you
You've always and only
Been the one
And sweet lies
Are better when chased with ***
So that your better senses
Are all but numb
And you accept the fate
That I'm the closest one
To you
Right now
To you

I've never been one for chivalry
But I'll open every door
And try so hard for you
And I've never been one for gallantry
But I'll stick up for your honor
And fight down all the haters
I'll be so good
That my senseless lies
Like this will last forever
Will seem true

And I have
All these beautiful ideas inside my head
Even though
This dream
Will never come true

So who am I really fooling?
Have I only myself to blame?
I made you up while I played my game
And no one will ever live up to you

Looking for the answers
Looking toward the future
Finding nothing but questions
Along with doubt and self loathing

How could I be so stupid
How could I let myself cave in
Change is just so scary
When depression has you bound and gagged

Now's the time to hold my head up
Let stress and worries subside
Let the heart crumble away
And regain a sense of pride

What can I live and live without?
What can I do to become?
A better version of myself
One who overcomes

There's a needle hole
Dripping with blood
Red as an apple
From what I've just done

And as I slowly slip away
A vision of my mom
Begins to disappear
Is love but a memory?

Sometimes in this loneliness
I wonder if people are cancer
Infecting earth and each other
Without malice or care

What am I
Just a bag of bones
A gangrenous picture
A placid mural

And uninteresting
Sad but dying
Organism
Of truly invisible stature

Its a ghastly truth to behold
When normal get olds
And only bright fleeting lights
Make sense anymore

If I can't numb these edges
I might as well push to die
Find the thinnest line
Of what is wrong but feels right

There seems to be something missing
Like a spark
Like a heart
Like a love note to you

You know that its missing
But you just can't say
Why your feet won't move

There's lesson I learned
Not too long ago
You've gotta cut your ties
Walk it blind
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa

You know that it's missing
But you just can't say
Why your feet won't move
Blame it on youth
Blame it on time
Blame it on the moon

Cause the full moon lies
What is love is
Is just a self indulgent tune

Cause to face this
Growing old and cold
Is a distraction
From dyin
From lyin
From out on it all

Not all are living
But not all are dead
We're just walking
Existential waiting for our cue

You know that its missing
But you just can't say
Why your feet won't move
Maybe its love
Maybe its age
Maybe its not true

Cause the full moon lies
What is. . . .love is
Is just a self indulgent tune

Just a self indulgent tune
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa

Another faded night to come
The laughter, the conversation done
Another wonder yet to see
Will she wake up and think of me

Cause the sad days are over
The darkness overcome
The bleak, the wind, the wild cold
Is this happiness or am I numb?

Cause the bitter winter bites so dull
And draws all edges to a softer lull
And eyes creep tightly drawn to sleep
The hellish nightmare that might be

But if she wakes and thinks of me
But if she wakes and thinks of me
I'll double down and fight to sleep
In hopes to live this only dream

The head hangs heavy and lids soon follow
And sink into a softening pillow
I fear will become a blain
And numb will too begin to fade

I'll wake and tare my eyes from sleep
All that was and will always be
A nightmare has becomes my dreams

Woke up dizzy, spinning around my head
Woke up dizzy, spinning around my room
Woke up dizzy, wishing I was dead
Woke up dizzy, wishing this was through

And a may wind broke down my door
A may wind knocked me to the floor
And I avert my eyes to the blinding cold
I feel the may wind creep into my bones

I walk downtown, my body hangs my head
I walk downtown, where nothings said
And I hear the may dove sing her song
I think this may wind has me wrong

A flutter of wings and seasons change
But I'm still dizzy, it takes so much to feel this way
And the stomach drops and I blend in
It takes too much to let them in

Will they see me in the morning
Will they see me again
A may wind stirs
But life's got no room to let me win

I'm right back to where I've started
Right back where it all begins
My body hangs my soul
And a noose hangs my head

She's on my mind
All of the time
Like I used to be something
To anyone in some way
Now I'm just lonely
Alone and homely
Like I used to be somewhere
Other than here
I could kiss her and hold her
I could say such wonderful things
But she doesn't want me
She might even hate me
If she feels something
Its not for me
The colds like a friend
Reminding me I feel
That I'm still alive
And I'm the sum of all parts
That seem to hide
Behind cracked smiles and jokes
Late nights and Facebook posts
Searching for life
In a lifeless phone

What can I say?
The lights went out
And there we were
Teenage hearts
In thirty somethings
It never changes
How you feel
The age is over
It's all down hill
Your lips were met
Your hips were met
It's all down hill
We're thirty somethings

I could call it now
And end this game
You know you're out
We're thirty somethings

And I'm waiting for your text
And I'm waiting for your call
Heart a flutter just like a teen
In a thirty something

I stood outside a neon fortress,
Light beaming in all directions.
The pallid edges pushing out,
Then receding, as if the light
Was a pulsating heart beat.
You could sense the energy's
Eb, as if it tires, then with a smile
Runs full force into the night.
A brash and brave endeavor.
A childlike sense of play
In its insistent **** with the night.
There was a false sense of warmth
Parading in sheep's skin
Like the clever and daring fox amongst the fold.
Still the wash of warm was overcoming
And let the mouth ease into a resting smile.
Now with the tension leaving,
My face still feels almost plastic
Slowly melting to a calm demeanor.
I have to wonder if I had been standing agape,
A resting ***** face glared at all who met my eyes.
They instanly regret sending strangers smiles.
I notice how the sounds of the city
Are a blare so bold
They fade to a quiet white noise
Like the sound of electricity
Flowing through a silenced TV,
The lulling hum soon ignored.
The only difference being
That the hymn the city sings,
Unlike the hum of the TV, is so loud
That when the mind settles in
And begins to ignore it's finer edges,
You would ignore the screams of your mother,
The cry of a baby brother,
Or any child.
In fact my ears tune for just a moment
To the cry of a lost child.
A woman in a velvet purple overcoat
With a mother's face and soft voice speaks,
"Oh dear, have we gotten lost?"
The words make me feel like we're in this together
And a little less alone.
The scene slowly recedes into the black,
Thick,
Tendrils
Of the unnoticed
And forgotten.
It reminds me,
This why the city is a calloused place
And an act of kindness goes so far.