I guess I should say sorry
For all that I've done
But you hurt me so badly
When you were gone
I'd rather
Be angry
I'd rather be numb
Then admit that I'm broken
From all that you've done
You're calloused and cold
And I bled so many nights
Just thinking I loved you
Regardless of spite
So I'm hear to admit
To my part in the break
I was careless and stupid
I wouldn't bend for your sake
I saw you were sad
But I thought it was a phase
And we'd make somehow
But now I know that was fake
For what its worth
You were the best of us both
And not a day goes by
My heart doesn't hope
That your happy, you're healthy
And taking care of yourself.
And that you finally found something
In somebody else
Worth living and thriving
To be your best self
And you're loving more deeply
Than we ever felt
I'm not a bad person
Though the mistakes that I made
Gave you all the reasons
To push me away
I own my part
And I know you were right
But that doesn't mean
You could just give up with no fight
You wore my ring
And you made a vow
For better or worse
We'd make it somehow
But that vow was a lie
And you knew from the start
Far more clearly
Than my cuckold eyes
I always loved you more deeply
Than you ever loved me
You owed me my freedom
Years before you would leave
And you could of saved me
Years from the grief
Beating myself
Into the person you see
I might look whole on the outside
But I'm absent of fear
And my heart never beat clearly
Since you were near
And death's but a friend
That I confide
Wishing so deeply
That I could die

So softly
The air leaves
These lungs fill
Just slightly
I messed up
I gambled
I drank up
I shot up

When will I ever learn?
When will it be my turn?

To heal from
These addictions
To find peace
In this fiction

I know I'm growing old
And these traps are for the young
I know my time is running out
But I'd rather just be numb

I cut up
The scars fade
I black out
Till the next day
I'm running
I'm dying
I smoke up
I'm flying

When will I ever learn?
I wish there was some cure

I'm drowning
In myself
I wish I
Was someone else

I know that I'm hurting
And its gone on for too long
When will I love myself?
Instead of getting numb

The bullet
Is waiting
The gun is
Just failing
The pills drop
Like candy
I wake up
They failed me

When will I ever learn?
To just wait my ******* turn

I'm tired
Of this life
Why can't I
Just die

Tomorrow maybe
I can't see that far
To wake up again
Is just too hard

How are the people?
That I once knew.
How are the people?
Between me and you?

I've lost a thousand years
Praying for something
And ending up right here
Hands empty
Heart bare

How are the children?
That we left behind?
The cats, the loves
The cold wind bringing sighs

How are we coping?
When love couldn't last?
I'm barely surviving
Reliving all thats past

And my body is aging
But my mind isn't letting go
Whirl wind sickness
Of things I already know

You're gone
And thats the basis of my heart
Dead and gone
A million miles apart

You could be right there
And I would never know
Loves lament
I guess this is growing old.

Just as long as I hear you laugh. . .
Just as long as I see you breathe
Just as long as I see you smile
Thats all you owe me. . . .

I'm becoming something I wish not to be

I'm becoming something other than I protrayed

Without you here, I'm becoming so random

No direction home
No home, its where the heart lies
And I just lie

You don't want to hear it
And you've never had the time
You'd rather ignore it

These scars of mine
These scars of mine

You thought you were brave
When in the sixth grade
You shaved your head in the mohawk
You still wear today

And all the kids stopped and stared
But I saw the tears
I saw the scars

That we both wear
That we both wear

Bothers in arms
We carried a knife at our side
Better to scare away the fights
Then ****** our eyes

A coward with words
They didn't want to die
And God knows we weren't affraid to die

And God knows we weren't affraid to die
And God knows you weren't affraid to die

Well I grew up more decent
Than any expected
Got a career and a life
Where I am respected

And I'd hoped as old men
We could look back and share it
Gruff beginnings but look at us now

An Engineer and Chemist now
An Engineer and Chemist now

Well you applied for your doctorate
And celebrated the hardest
You made it through sheer will

One mistake and you go an **** yourself
One mistake and you go an **** yourself

I'd by lying if I said I wasn't angry
I'd be lying if I said anything but
You made a choice, and though every door was open

Now every ******* door is shut
Now every ******* door is shut

My feet are blistering cold
The depression reared its ugly head
I can't move at all
And I wish that I was dead

And I know its just a phase
But its hard to not think its fate

Sometimes I think its Karma
For all that I've done wrong
And not these ****** up chemicals
Just writting all these songs

And I know its just a phase
And I wont live forever in this state

For a moment's reverie
I remember that midnight kiss
Underneath the faded city stars
But the memory's remiss

Cause I can't hold at all
The good I can recall

There's yelling in the background
A mumble to my ears
My heart starts beating faster
As it hieghtens all my fears

And I know that its just ghosts
In my head playing host

I'm so tired and so lonely
Best if I don't go out
The winter's cold
And it's bitter bite seems to shout

When will my soul heal?
And will I ever escape this hell?

Time to start faking
A smile for my dears
And let the music take over
Everything I hear

And smile once again
Despite all of my sins

Cause redemption comes equal
To all those who ask god
And forgivesness in our hearts
As long as it is sought

Forgiveness is just the start
But a stillness in our hearts

I wish so many days
That I had a deeper faith
And I wasn't so **** lonely
On these lonely days

So I pray I'll be okay
Maybe an answer will come today

For now its just silence
But as long as I believe
I can stand another day
Instead of take my leave

That's all I ask of God
As long as it is sought