"I'm pretty healthy," I lie.
Although I'm not sure it's a lie at the time.
I have a gut feeling,
But I push it to the back of my mind.
This doctor is different from others.
He's young and smart. He knows his stuff.
I lie about how I don't smoke anymore.
He tells me not to start again.
He tells me how happy he is to have a simple and healthy patient.
I laugh but that gut feeling comes back.
I push it down.
He listens to my heart beat. Pushes on my stomach and asks if it hurts?
What does that mean anyway?
"Has anyone ever told you that you have a heart murmur?" He asks.
A pause and then a long drawn out "Noooo."
He begins to explain what that is, but all I can think is 'I knew it.'
And how I am going to google it when I get home.
I start to cry and I feel powerless to stop the tears.
I apologize profusely.
He begins to show me videos
So that I can know what a normal heartbeat sounds like, compared to mine.
Of course mine would be abnormal.
Just like the rest of me.
I find it a little endearing that a medical professional is showing me YouTube videos.
But, I've got other, more pressing, matters on my mind.
"I like your pen," I say.
And he begins to tell me how smoothly it writes.
"Much better than a regular ball point."
I doubt that, but I just fake a smile and say,
"I bet."