I twirl my hair to keep from idle hands
I twist paper to keep from idle hands

I clack pens on tables to drown out the noise
I pop my lips to drown out the noise

I tap my feet to keep from running
I wrap my legs around chair posts to keep from running

I scream to keep it from building
I punch my pillow to keep it from building

I take medication to try to feel normal
I pray one day I will feel normal

Unconditional
Roses on an ordinary day
Finger written notes on the bathroom mirror after your shower, so I see them after mine

Genuine
Cuddling while watching movies and eating popcorn during a storm
Drinking hot coco and reading books together when it’s too cold to go outside

Undeniable
Smiling at me from across a crowded room to let me know I’m the only thing on your mind
Letters stuffed in my purse that I randomly find that say I love you

Definite
Watching our kids play and laughing at each other's jokes even when they don’t make sense
Seeing a future that’s painted in glistening gold

Unrestricted
Telling you everything from my dreams to my fears because I know judgment won’t be passed
Arguing about where the remote is and dishes and laundry and who must get up to turn off the light

Complete
Knowing that no matter what both of us will fight until the end of time
Trying never to go to sleep upset and always sharing a kiss before bed

Unforgettable
A beautiful marriage that will last a lifetime
A legacy that is ours alone and a happiness that most people only dream of

You were the first
You knew it, and you used it

You operated my growing wisdom
Manipulated my naïve spirit
My forming soul
You took love and turned it against me
Molested my wide-eyed dreams
Beautiful fantasies turned into blackened nightmares
Fragile thoughts pained

You knew it, and you violated it

My frame became your canvass to paint blemishes
Blemishes that are burns now
A once simple shape, broken
A once innocent sense, ruined

You knew it, and you desecrated it

Fresh skin became a desirable playing field
Games that entertain evil
Only monsters enthrall in such selfish sport
Horror took a child to chilling places
Spaces an adolescent mentality should never have been locked in

You knew it, and you fastened it

Tormented illusions filled the air
Your hands molded distress
Distasteful touch ravaged a flawless sheath
Your contention crippled a delicate mind
Grips of dread constructed panic
Created wounds that were sealed too quickly
A surface that could only endure so much

You knew it, and you defiled it

You took masculinity and turned it into terror
Mislead a thoughtful yearning between flesh and made a phantom of agony
Visons of tenderness flipped into intimidation
Once so eager about life, clouded by doubt
So much sickness for one youth to handle
Taken by a devil cloaked in guardian robes
Arms stretched out to protect but nails were embedded in them
A shrouded demon lit by forged sun
Whispers iced an expanding spine
Fingers lined with hate devastated perfection
Grace turned indecent
Intellect decayed

You knew it, and you spoiled it

You took my only body and victimized it
You took my only body and tattooed your insidious existance
You destroyed my perception of passion

The beast in knight’s armor.

You were my first.

You see me as an object. I see you as flesh and blood.
You see me as a dollar sign. I see you as a person.
You see me as something to gain from. I see you as human.
You see me, and you look right through me.

I see you and I can see everything.
I see what I thought was beauty. What I thought was love. What I thought was kind.

You see me and think of what you gave me. You gave me heartache. How you raised me. You didn’t. Your hand in shaping me, yet you only constructed pain.

You saw me as a burden when I should’ve been your blessing.
You saw difficulty when I should’ve been your comfort.
You saw a pledge you knew you were never able to keep.

What you don’t see is the damage. You don’t see the confusion.
You don’t see the tears. You don’t see the agony.

You see me as the perfection that you created that you only want recognition for.
You see accomplishment you tell yourself your hand was in.

What you don’t see is the anger. You don’t see the animosity.
You don’t see the torment. You don’t see the misery.

You see what you want to see. You see the lies that are now the only reality you have.

I see an existance of forgery that is my life.
I know what is fact and now have resentment that I have to lift on shoulders that are breaking.

You see me and think I’m naïve. That I don’t notice you. That I haven’t noted your every word.
That I haven’t heeded your every move.
You see me and see nothing.
You believe you see who I really am.

What you don’t see is the realization that I had to come to about you.
You were nonexistent. You had no impact on who I came to be.
The appreciation you so long for doesn’t appertain to you.
It will never be yours.
You see me and see what you wanted to be.
You’ll never see me and be elated for me.
All I see is the jealousy. The spite. The grudge you hold against me.

You did nothing to form me. You did nothing to mold me.
You did nothing to conceive the core of my being.

You did everything to crush me. To mislead me.
You did everything to misuse my love for you. My hunger for your affection.
You fazed me in an imperfect way that I now must compromise with.

I need to open the wounds you carved to heal them but only to the point of minimal scaring.

You don’t see what I must overcome to get better.
You see none of this.
How can you not see what you’ve done?

Do you even see me at all?

It starts with the rain

Gusts swirling with heat

Lightning slaps, synapses break

Thunder bruises, knuckles white

Sky blackens

Tarps blow away

Fist sized hail pound

The foundation is breaking

Cover your heads



Here comes the scream

I miss it
The warmth down my skin
A cold front across a dark plain
A rush of absolution
My clemency
Scored rims disabled anxious imagination
Aching that was too much to handle alone
Agony that I couldn’t stop
A dagger of hope was my exhaust
It was my control
Mine to hold

Waved edges faced an already tattered surface
Smooth stings to a flawed coating
My dreadful indulgence
Companions that couldn’t judge
Notched lines that couldn’t deceit me
They loved me and did what I said
Every command to my improper thinking
My world of silver linings blazing
No one could take it from me
No one could see
It was my control
Mine to hold

She used me
He abused me
But my ragged partners adored me
Jagged contours set fires to battered perceptions
Life was dishonest
My allies were polished
My allies were serene
Barbed creases treasured me
Beautiful indents, liberated senses
It was my control
Mine to hold

They cradled a poor mentality and rocked it to restless sleep
They guarded a lost instinct
My alluring blades of acquittal
My blessed silver linings