I never had to ask you
To be a good friend
I never had to worry
About you saying bad things
I never had to hesitate
Before telling you everything
I needed you to get me
And you did
And you will
Midnight or not
And I felt so at peace
Knowing I was safe while I slept
Hearing your voice
Gentle and caring
At the lake with the breeze
Outside with my cat
The one you kept for me
Thankful
For you

I’ve realized
I don’t like being touched anymore
Not a gentle hand on my back
Not a hand in mine
Hugs are tense
I don’t like them anymore
I used to think I needed contact
But I hate it now
Don’t touch me
I don’t want an arm brushing mine
Fingers on my knee
I don’t want my hair played with
I don’t like it anymore
I used to crave the closeness
Now I just want to be left alone
Don’t touch me anymore

Forgetting things that happened
Five minutes ago
So hungry I’m nauseous
Then eating two bites and being full
Waking up after sleeping all night
And still being exhausted
Aches in my legs
Talking takes effort
So does breathing
Zoning out randomly
Fidgeting all the time
Not enjoying things
That used to make me happy
Not excited
For anything
What is wrong with me

Paint on my fingers
I wash it off
I wish it was that easy
To wash off my scars

To quote a friend
I’m better
But still in the negatives
Things are looking more positive
I’m healing slowly
But I’m still sitting below zero
Rate my mind from one to ten
It’s better
But still in the negatives

I’m sorry mom
I still love you
But I’m gone right now
You hit me mom
I kept saying I’m sorry
But you didn’t hear me
Couldn’t hear me
I’m safe now mom
I miss you
I want a hug from you
I just wanted to be okay
But you hit me
I walked down the driveway mom
And I kept looking back
Waiting for the light to turn on
Waiting for you to run out
Saying it’s okay
Come home
But you didn’t mom
And I’m not sure I would’ve
If you did
I’m sorry mom
I didn’t mean to hurt you mom
But you hit me
And I am gone now

I cut my arms in seventh grade.
“What’s so terrible about your life?”
“Why are you looking for pity?”
I developed an eating disorder.
“Gain weight, you look awful.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop.”
I ran away.
“You think your life is so miserable!”
“You have clothes and food and shelter what could possibly be wrong?”
I cried myself to sleep every night.
You never noticed.
These were cries for help, mom!
This wasnt attention seeking!
I needed you to be a real parent.
I was crying.
For help.

I became quiet
Because you were too loud
I became apologetic
Because you never apologized
I began to hate touch
Because you touched with violence
I began to hate myself
Because you never loved me
I don’t know how much more change
I can take before i’m unrecognizable

And suddenly I’m back to stacking bracelets

Can anyone hear me?
I’m yelling but no one is listening
I’m falling but no one is catching me
I’m crying but no one sees me
I’m grabbing but no one feels me
Am I invisible