Like a lightning strike-
electrically abuzz
grasping
for a rope then a bottle
of anti anxiety pills
love no longer within
reach.
Everything so bright so loud filament bulb burning eyes full of
salty tears
clenched like clamshells.
Vascular overflow like spring rivers in my head-
boom boom boom.
Faster,
boom boom boom.
Boom boom boom.
BOOM BOOM BOOM.

And you’re just standing there
bloodless
thinking about beers because you need to be drunker for this.

What’s wrong with her? Why can’t she be happy? I want her to be happy.

And I want to die. But not now at your feet writhing in pain, ignored, because it hurts that when you see me like this you look away.

"See how much I love you?"
Cut my wrists, string me up by my ankles, drink my blood tell me there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s okay not to be happy.

And you’re just standing there bloodless thinking about **** because you need to be higher for this.

So I swallow the stone in my throat that held back the deluge of all the vomitous feelings pill by pill like pounding rain going down down down.

Fading melting light
key in the ignition
I leave you behind
I drive myself to say
I took a bottle of pills.

After thoughts as the lights dim:

I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I am sad. I’m sorry I never felt like I was enough. I’m sorry I made you feel bad. It was me all along who hated myself and was too scared to make a change. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m sorry I couldn’t rearrange my brain.

I am the one people warn you about the dark secubus that ***** everyone dry. A demon. A curse. Leave me in my hole. Bury me in the ground and don’t mark my grave.

Then, be happy.

To lick between each
of your toes, and chew
crunchy grains of sand,

to pick the purple
lint from your belly
button and rub it
on my gums.

To bury my head
in the hairy pit
of your arm, and make
a nest for the night
like a little
weaver bird.

To let you spit in
my mouth and gulp it
down like water—fresh
from a mountain spring,
the kind with glass
translucent fish.

To dig out your earwax
with the tip of my pinky
and sculpt a bust
of your perfect
Roman nose.

To wear your hair
like a coat to the
Viennese ball,
and spin spin spin.

Woe the days I thought we had time—
that I could make love to every bit of you.

To rot madly chanting
I’m not free
neither are you nor are we.

Freedom is the lie
woven in the cloth of our flag-
well constructed prisons-
a world of body bags.

If the world falls apart tomorrow
At least I have a clean kitchen
And if the world falls apart tomorrow
At least I took the trash out
And if the world falls apart tomorrow at least I made the bed
if the world falls apart tomorrow at least I got the mail
if the world falls apart tomorrow
At least I paid my rent
if the world falls apart tomorrow
So what?

I’d like the quiet now, please.
I’d like to go back where I came from.

Enjoy now:  
orange juice, blue sky, velvet leaves,  
words like "isosceles" and "Econlockhatchee",  
call to prayer, Hail Marys,  
watermelon, ******* icicles,  
words for love in other languages,  
a capybara swimming,  
a good curse like "*******",  
a living coral reef,  
soul food, soul music, a drum solo,  
soft salty butter,  
a curled fern, thunderous clouds,  
copper hair,  
a stalking tiger,  
silver fish, dancing sunbeams,  
Spanish wine, beach plum jelly,  
the smell of sulfur, crashing wave,  
skate’s eggs, pine cones,  
cold granite, sticky peanut butter,  
a clear running river, a red fox cub,  
aurora light,  
diva ballads, cactus water,  
marble carved light as silk,  
a cuckoo clock,  
blue moonlight, dew drop,  
whistling wind, lightning bug,  
dandelion tea, rose bud, scarlet blood,  
snake scales,  
the dead smell of time,  
Saturn up there,  
kittens, freckles,  
our song, a honey bee,  
the big big ocean, the hard hard rain,  
salty air,  
lost at sea,  
empty, full, drunk, alive.

Oh, to float on the cosmic waves.  
To sense the whole I am a particle of.

To fear is only this:  
An emptiness full to the brim with life.

How are you?
Not much
How have you been?
Doing?
How are you doing?
Been?
What’s new?
I’m fine.

Let’s get together sometime.
Open invitation,
feels like forever since I saw you last.
Text me.

Gassy, bloated, clammy, smelly, chicken in teeth, sty in the eye, sweatpants stained, scrunchie, flip flop fleeing
Actual feelings.

Here’s to you friend-
You’ve come unwound,
Betrayed my trust and stomped the ground

And slammed the door
And made a scene
That it’s unfair, and I am mean

And it’s my fault
Can you not see
I’ve locked the vault
It’s you, not me.

The time is done
When i’ll give in
To your tyrannies

So there, I win.