Men like us will never see the light of beautiful women who've loved with an open heart all their lives. They've heard everything cliché that a man can say, "I love your eyes, I love your voice, you've a **** body"
all of which will mean nothing after a while, and men like us, no matter how genuine we speak, will never mean anything more than the men who destroyed them.

Some days I'd love to wake up and for a moment, not have to be myself,
I'd love to wake up and not have any obligations or responsibilities,
I'd love to wake up and be content with the life that had been bestowed upon me,
With a bed full of blankets, just a hint of sunlight seeping through the blinds,
For once in my life, I'd love to wake up, look over and see your face next to me.

Lonely
for only you,
You left
a hurricane in my chest,
still blowing through,
No summer sun,
No summer sails,
You in your wedding dress,
No wedding bells,

I'm doing time
behind these bars,
Your Autumn eyes,
And I'm counting stars

A universe
I thought was ours,
6 shots of whiskey,
You're full of life,
My empty arms,
Where did I go wrong?

Rob American Horse, descendant of Chief American Horse had called me to inform me of my fathers passing today. I had just woken up on my best friends living room floor. The reality hadn't settled in right away, I maintained my composure and made a few more phone calls home to confirm. I knew my father was very sick, having had a stroke and 2 heart attacks already, he couldn't bare the pain any longer and so he pulled the trigger.

It was a 20 hour drive for me to get home, I could not sleep. About 3 hours into the drive home, I had to pull over. I broke, the salty tears were streaming down my face and I was on my knees leaning against my car. I had never felt so weak in my life, it hit me and I realized I would never see him again and for the first time, he would not answer the door when I came home.

With every passing hour, I became weaker. I was trembling, feeling everything all at once, I lost count of how many times I shattered that day.

When I finally arrived home, I did not speak to anyone. I drove straight to my fathers house, as I stepped out of the car I immediately burst into tears from what I had seen... he dug his own grave. The most important man in my life is gone.

7 days later, I watched them bury him. Though I did not cry in front of anyone, I knew I had to walk tall for my family and so I did.

I did it father. I stood tall.

It's been almost 10 years and I still find myself dreaming the same dream, listening to this same song, it just won't go away.
The older I become, the more I watch that dream crumble... the more it crumbles, the more I lose faith. Which isn't easy for someone who put so much effort into spirituality, the red road and our way of life.

I've never had a lot of friends growing up, and the friends I did have were very close to me but sometimes I had no friends, like now but I am okay with this. I had a fear of ending up alone or growing old alone but in all honesty, I've become quite fond of the idea. Very few understand what it means to just lay here with my headphones and let my imagination run away with me.

I've lived, I've done things, I've seen more than I asked for but... nothing has changed, still trying to find my place in this world.