In a perfect world right now, I would be happy. But I’m not…surprise
I met a guy I suppose…I don’t remember much of our encounter only that I was speaking too fast. I was too nervous and he was calm
You might wonder huh…why didn’t you have everything under control. I’m not sure.
Is it because he was white? Is it because his whiteness was too cliché to my dark skin?
Is it because the stares nerved me in a way I haven’t experienced before or is it because of the assumptions of what my countrymen would think mattered most to me?
I think it’s because I went on the internet today and my heart broke dear reader…I wanted to understand what I was doing wrong.
It turns out this person and I are too different…different seems like an insult to me right now. I’m not supposed to feel this way. Different is not a bad thing I suppose?
Okay, I’m mumbling at this point.
We are culturally different he says…we have to step one stone at a time and mind his feelings. he wasn’t raised in an open way in his country. Who will mind my feelings? Wasn’t I raised differently too? I don’t understand. I don’t understand what I did wrong
Our brains are different. I hate this word now…different.
It has such a distance to it. Separation, aloofness.
Dear reader, I went online to read about his people. He checked all the boxes.
I’m sad every time he doesn’t text back after 8 hours…8 hours. In my country, 8 hours is enough for a person to develop feelings of hatred and lack of affection? I’m not sure.
I met a man dear reader but my mind tells me I haven’t. it fights every day with my heart. Leave… read the signs…don’t be patient. He doesn’t like you.
Dear reader this man is very affectionate in person. It baffled me the first time we met. I’m not used to such kind of affection from my people, the tenderness. The small kisses on my face and forehead
Yuck, I sound like a 20-year-old girl who has never experienced such emotion before.
But oh, dear reader you should see us discussing everything under the sun…where did I I go wrong
Why am I sad?
I don’t understand why I feel this way.
Is it because he is different?
Oh, how I hate the word different.
It says I should take initiative, approachable manner with him, take my time with him if I really like him. Why? why all the effort?
Different cultural upbringings
Language barrier. We both speak English dear reader.
I must confess. I am a bit drunk
The author Charles Bukowski used to be drunk half the time he wrote his books Not a role model. But I like him
Why should someone make me question myself so?
Why should someone also make me feel like I get him immensely, I get all his books and politics?
I don’t know what I am writing
I might be overreacting dear reader but what should I do?
Ignoring a being who texts you back at odd hours of the night and morning is difficult for me dear reader. But what should I do???
What should I do if he has the prettiest eyes? okay, I’m lying here. His eyes scare the living hell out of me.
They remind me of a snake. Green eyes and speckled yellow in them.
I’m sorry if he replies to my texts with indifference and I rush to reply to them. He is too interesting for my liking dear reader
What does it even mean when someone calls you cute? So vague. I have never liked the word cute or beautiful.
I am foolish dear reader; did I miss out on an opportunity or something. Did he get tired of me?
They are known for being overly nice. On the surface. But what does it mean when people say they are aloof ish to the extent of being mean? They are used to a close-knit circle of family and friends? They do not like strangers or foreigners?
I’d expected him to be different dear reader. He has traveled and met many different people
Why is he still tied to his country’s understandable archaic upbringings?
I’m so confused.
My heart has betrayed me, dear reader.
And for a man. I am very disappointed. I am disappointed because in a way we made a pact with this body of mine you see.
Men are not to be part of our heartache. Not ever not anymore
But I like him. I like him, dear reader
And I hope he texts me soon. So, I can delete all this foolishness and go back to normal. Go back to the girl who affected and controlled the emotions of men…. not the other way round
Do you think he is aware of how much I bore him so? Or he has foreseen I will fall too soon?
I think it’s the alcohol dear reader. These feelings do not belong to me.
I refuse to accept them and I hope to rid of them as soon as possible
Lovesick. My heart is lovesick
Oh, **** I’m 20 years old again I suppose. I hope I return to 27 soon enough
Goodbye