I could not have prepared for this.
I could not have packed a bag
And stashed it under my bed
In anticipation
Of running away with this idea.
I could not have planned this out.
To fall
And feel
And bleed
By every word.
I could not have seen this coming.
I could not have been waiting
for a relapse.
Or some kind of sign
That I'm here
And so are you
And you can see me.
I could not have prepared
For me to all come back at once.

It was the first feeling
That brushed passed me
Recognized me from another life
And sunk
Like something wet and warm
To rest against my bones.

The terrifying comfort
Of the up and down of chests
And whispering breath
And life, unaltered
The thickest air of all
Between your secrets and mine.

With every half said word
And open eye in the dark
A then becomes a now
A fist inside me loosens
Someone digs me up
and buries me alive.

Pressing my nose
against the glass in someone else's life
I found the end of the road
The one that ended a mile ago
and peeled me apart
at every stop sign.

In the day dark she started
With an arm around my waist
And a promise
And in the light that isn't morning
The door is closing
And I realize that I'm dead again.

They say a lot
About the wilderness.
They whisper fear
And fabled warnings
Meant for children’s ears.
They preach the beauty
Is of god
And man can only gaze
And wonder.
They clench their fists
And charge with promises
To keep it wild
To keep it free
To keep it safe.

I live inside a wilderness.
Behind my eyelids stand the trees
Under my ribs
Run rivers.
I whisper fear
And hear it with a child’s ear.
I preach of beauty
And know nothing of the power
That created it.
And when I clench my fist
And make a promise
It is to that deep dark forest.
Keep your eyes wild.
May they strike fear.
Keep your mind free.
May it shatter ignorance.
And keep your body safe.
May it move through the world
And leave magnificent marks.   

My wilderness is
Fearsome.
It grows darker every day.
I gaze and wonder.
The only god I know.

I came back to the ocean
And saw all of the world behind me.
The wreckage of one too many
Promising words.
The blackened remains of a dream deferred.
The ashes of the fresh water world.

I came back to the ocean
To undo what has been done.
To unbreak the broken and
Change the unchangeable.
To do the impossible.
To move mountains alone.

I came back to the ocean
And saw what was there for me.
The terrible silence and a heard cry for help.
A hat hook, a map
And a way back home.

Sometimes I feel like there is a God inside me
One that sees this for what it is
A dream dreamed too hard
A man loved too often
He asks me to worship
At the altar of a reality
Where the dream was forgotten
And the man was loved enough
To forget to come home.
He asks me to whisper prayers
For another life
A conveyer belt destiny.
He begs for confessionals
In shopping malls
Where I pay for my life
Twenty five cents at a time.
He asks me to die
For the chance to be free
And live the same twenty minutes
Over and over
Until I know every word by heart.
He asks me to sacrifice
To drink of my blood
And eat of my body
For a world that could have been mine
A thousand years ago.
Sometimes I feel like there is a God inside me
With his back turned.