I want to cry, sob until I am unable to anymore
I want to yell, scream until my lungs beg to give out
I want to hide, disappear into the background of life

I don't want to die, I just want to cease to exist
And on my birthday every year, that's my every wish

I'd tell you that you're not allowed to react
I'd tell you that I'm petrified of what I'm about to do
I'd tell you that I'm sorry for not telling you sooner and for telling you at all
I'd tell you that I love you
That I have no idea why
Just that you make me smile and laugh and want to be there to see you smile and laugh and see your eyes light up when you're talking about something you love
That I love the way you're there for me by unknowingly easing my pain
How a simple message from you gives me butterflies
How seeing you every once in a while makes me giddy and nervous until I'm finally with you, even just for an hour or two
That being with you for that time let's me forget about my issues because your smile would be more important

You have no idea how much I wish my random messages would make your day or even a minute of it
How I wish you could talk to me about anything and everything
How I wish I could be your everything

But i know that's wishful thinking
And even if it wasn't, I'm not sure how to be in a relationship anyway... so I guess it probably will never happen...
Just wishful thinking, that's all this is...
Right?

People say that its the good parts of them that make them scared.
But for me, it's knowing my darkness exists and that I haven't reached the bottom of it.
Knowing that I am slowly descending deeper into that pit.. that seems never ending
To know that if i continue that journey, I will be the hurricane that rips my home apart
To know that even though i hate how I am, I don't know how to change for the better
The daunting knowledge of knowing what the most likely outcome of life for me will be..
Too busy and alone
Too desperate to call, text or phone
Too broken to know

The ocean runs deeper than explored
The mind too complex to comprehend
The beauty of life never fully appreciated

Thoughts flow wide and deep
Just like a wound made with intent
The way of life
Is to live
Half
Blind

The family in which I am
I do not belong
The fault lies but with me
For the difference between us
Is like a valley

By blood, am I only related
Until my dying decree