Yesterday morning I started driving around town to clear my head.
In silence, I found myself circulating through the streets, merely another cell in a system I don't understand
The sun fell upon my chest and neck, light just barely missing my eyes
I watched as the shadows of trees rose to greet me before scampering back to their posts
At one point it didn't seem like I was moving at all and instead it was darkness that explored the roads
It made me wonder.
In this world, am I truly in motion or does the world warp around a stationary existence?
I should know the answer.
I don't.
So maybe I'll just drive until I find what will put my mind at ease
I'll drive until I make progress and find myself

I'm a ******
I don't do drugs or drink
my only flaw is how much I think
I don't believe in God but I believe in me
And I don't know where I belong on my family tree

I don't propose that **** is based on a girl's clothes
I suppose I'm dumb or brilliant but who really knows
You could say that I'm narcissistic or have low self-esteem
with a girlfriend with a pocketless pocket and a head full of dreams

Whoa that didn't flow, that last line
Imperfect effort seems to be an attribute of mine
Look at this rhyme scheme, it's so diverse
I guess I can get away with this; I couldn't get any worse
One favorite, three favorite, fifty-four
Give me validation, I could always use some more
Hello, Hellopoetry! You've been so forgiving
of my beautiful poetry that reflects an ugly way of living
Tell me, tell me: Should I write more?
What if my sadness is gone, and my melancholy no more?
Will you still love me if I write about crinkle-cut fries?

"****. No more suicide poems, does this kid still try?"

Is there still a Josh Haines if he no longer cries?
Is there still a Josh Haines if he doesn't wanna die?
Is there still a Josh Haines if he starts to fall?
Is there still a Josh Haines if he gets it all?
Is there still a Josh Haines after every kiss?
Is there still a Josh Haines after he writes all of this?

Eh. Maybe, baby. Maybe.

If I close my eyes tight enough I can feel your skin again.
My fingers can be locked tightly between yours again.
Your breath dances on my cheek...again.
I'm trapped in desperation to be close to you again.
I find myself wrapped in your shirt you sent me off with
Sprayed in your cologne that reminds me it wasn't a dream.

Opening my heart again made me realize
I had lit a disco ball of emotions
sending the best and worst feelings
emanating from within me outward
and in the open; exposed, vulnerable.

I had truly forgotten this sensation
of my own emotions betraying me
and stampeding out of any control
no matter how I try to push them back in
like the wrong puzzle pieces.

There's something kind of terrifying
about what affection does to us.
To go from singing
with newfound joy,
to weeping with
bitter regret,
to daydreaming
a violent solution,
to simply trying
to forget.

I pulled out each and every one
those ice shards you left in my ribs.
I bled your poison from my veins.
I slung gasoline all over everything
the memories,
the phantom sensations,
the best and worst of you,
my tenderness for you,
your barbed words,
in their entirety.

Without pause I lit the match.
I let it fall from my fingers
and the inferno roared to life.
In the flames I am reborn
and though parts of me
singe away
new, stronger parts
burn anew.
For the first time in forever
I spread my wings,
feathers combing the breeze,
and fly again.

Finally my phoenix heart soars
and sings again and what's left
of you
in the ashes is forgotten completely.

That's right
I'm over you.

I want the best for you
But I secretly hope you fail.
I want to see you smile
But your tears would be just as beautiful.
I want you to be happy
But I want you to pay for the way you make me feel.
You hurt, I hurt
It hurts that none of you see that
Do I hate that I love you?
Do I love that I hate you?
Do I love the fact I understand you?
Or do I hate that you can't fathom the real me?
I'm a peacekeeper.
I don't want to see you at war.
But I'd love to see you burn.
Shots are fired after shots are taken,
I'm the only one not wearing a vest.
Words pierce my heart en route to their target.
And in the end I'm the only one wounded.
We were like Pangea,
And now even more so.
All of you are drifting,
And I'm drowned in the rising tides.
You're all so busy staring into your own reflections that you don't realize the fog never cleared from my mirror.
I love you but it feels like you can't say the same.
I can't deal with you but my heart doesn't leave me an option.
We're not friends, we're siblings.
And you only agree with half of that statement.

Your trembling hands
are steady for me

You're back.

But I'm not really here anymore.

Until you're ready I'll say it
Behind my eyes whenever they catch yours.
Under my breath after you've gone.
Beneath my skin when it itches for you.
Laced in my lips when I say goodnight.
Slipped from my tongue when it cant be contained.
I love you.