Dear…that guy who said he knows what I am going through
(you don't)
Dear… that guy who promised not to be like the previous
(you will be)
Dear… that guy who said that my smile was all he wanted to see
(it's fake half the time)
…that guy who said that I am perfect and I have no flaws
(you are wrong)

Before you say that.. remember the guy before you said the same thing
That guy before you said how I was all he ever wanted, needed, cherished, and loved
That guy before you told me things you said but in different phrasing

Dear…that guy who wants to get to know me
(Just know that I am broken and I am hard to fix)
Dear… that guy who calls me beautiful, precious, wonderful, special
(I will deny it over and over until you get frustrated with me)
Dear.. that guy who questions why I am single
(I tend to fall for the wrong people to fast and give my all to those who don't deserve it)
..that guy who mentions how I deserve more than I was given
(I do not know what that feels like)

Before you are willing to get to know me
take the time to see the struggle that I went through
Take the time to see the broken pieces that I have in my hands
The blood that traces my finger tips from the process of picking up the pieces
The scars that were left behind because I said one word when I was told to shut up
The mental images that race through my head when one little memory hits home
The loneliness at night when I have no one to kiss my forehead and whisper “Goodnight Beautiful!”

To that guy who comes into my life next… remember it won’t be easy
You wil have to show me difference
You will have to show me respect
You will have to show me love and patience

I will push you away, I will tell you I don’t need anyone
I will cry because I feel so worthless, I will ask for constant reassurance
I will tell you to find someone else, I will tell you to prove things you don’t need to

To that guy who comes into my life next… just know it won’t be easy and I will compare you to the last.
Because I was broken by the same person who said “I love you” and “Forever and Always!” just like you are saying it to me now

It’s been a month since I last cuddled you
Kissed you
Held your hand
Called you babe, sweetheart, ***

It’s been three months since I laughed
Felt loved
Was told I looked beautiful
How much you appreciate me
Or made love to you like we use to

It’s been awhile since I called you my friend
Support System
Partner in Crime
Soulmate
True Love

Its been a year since I last felt those butterflies that night you kissed me in the courtyard
Its been a year since I saw love in your eyes like the first day
Its been a year since I felt like we were for each other and only for each other

Its been awhile since I felt what love is suppose to feel like
Its been awhile since someone has told me they loved me and meant it
Its been awhile since I cuddled with you and felt protected in your arms
Its been awhile since I knew how you felt about me without lies and fake smiles
Its been awhile

So now that I realized I did not want the kind of love that is shown with violence
The words that cut like daggers, the names that do not reflect my character
Or the emotional put down that I got from you
I know it will be awhile

So when people ask me why I don’t love
It’s simple… he took the love that I once gave and gave me a reason not to let it show again
When people ask me why am I protected
...because I was shown that even the ones you love can hurt you in ways you can’t imagine

It cuts like a knife when you want to open up to someone but he is there in their reflection
Its been awhile
my traumatic past can not cover up scars
Every night I have those vivid dreams, they reopen like a scab that you pick when you are bored
But for my situation I have no control over the vivid dreams, nightmares, or illusions of you.
I just have to lay there and let it repeat like that night you did not care
So when someone ask, I just say…. Its been awhile