divorce isn't a breakup
it's a death in the family
two hearts too hurt to make up
and it never ends amicably

it makes every word said, every phrase, every promise ever spoken
sting like lies and sting your pride that you believed and they were broken

it takes from you the ability to believe in the beauty of someone special
when you feel like you gave all you had to give and it ended so regretful

it robs you of all your feelings of safety and comfort and home
it takes from you your confidence, your positivity and leaves you positively alone

it creates a deep hate that takes over and makes you fume anger
it causes the caustic sorrow that darkens every tomorrow and makes everyone a stranger

it makes you question your own value, your actual self worth
it makes you feel that you're not good enough to be loved anywhere on this earth

knowing that the person who knows the true you the very best
took a look inside you and chose to pursue one of the rest
the thought holds you down and carves your heart right out of your chest
and it takes back, steals back, rapes away all that made you feel blessed
like you invested all of your time, the very best of yourself and no less
and still failed the test

so you try to stand on two broken legs to walk again on your own
and you stumble into the arms of new friends and try to make a new home
and you search frantically for affection to replace what you've known
but at the end of each night regardless of who's next to you, you are alone

bar after bar, club after party, drink drink drink and take them to bed
trying to drown the remorse and the anger and the longing that fire shots in your head
you will literally try physically to **** your way into someone new's heart
you will become an artist making selfishness and need and self promotion an art

but they don't really know you so how could they really care
true love doesn't become tangible from moans floating through thin air
a love you reap comes from time spent in wonder and in promises you keep
true love comes from the person you're meant to be with seeing that you're deep
and wanting to dive in
to only you
to never surface again
from within you
to breath for the last time on their own
without your heart making theirs beat
to go to war for you alone
with no possibility of retreat

and that hope, that chance of what could come for my life's course
is the only thing I got to keep in my divorce

In November I met that love
and by the end of summer we ceased.

Two months later came, like it does.

He snapped his collar bone from skating the bowl.
I got drunk alone and spewed guts on myself after the first hour.
Only one was a side effect from the breakup.

Too scared to face it, we pass by with silence,
too many different kinds.

One day.

But I don't think I'll be able to say anything correctly.

Small talk.

He remarks, "My bone is healing up."
Well.
All I have is, "I'm still throwing up."

They say it's selfish
That it makes you a wimp
But they can't say that
Because they've  never felt it

It's like getting shot
Every time you wake up
Because you know
No one gives a ****

There are so many reasons
Why we take our own lives
If you think it's selfish
You don't want to die
You haven't been broken
You don't wake up and cry
So stop saying it's selfish
To take your own life

I want to ask you how your day went,
but at the same time I don’t;
because my stomach becomes more knotted
than my hair after a windy day at the beach,
when thinking of you.

I try to keep my mind from drifting to the image of you
holding a cigarette between your fingers,
and I try to forget the gray smoke,
that clouds your lungs
and turns your eyes
from blue to gray.

It hurts picturing the once innocent and curious boy
that I knew growing up. He is now only a memory I cling to.
I only want to see you grow from these choices you make.
I guess I’m just afraid that
you’ll soon become the ashes that you leave behind.