What an odd tradition,
Ripping the living from everything they’ve known,
To be agonizingly used,
Carved and cut and shaped to fit,
Until there’s nothing left.

What an odd tradition,
The pain of one thing
Brings joy to another,
How it must feel,
To be suffering inside but appearing with a smile.

What an odd tradition,
Why are we drawn to pain and torment,
Why must we paint on a face that isn’t meant to be,
Why do we slice masks of smiles on faces aching with sorrow

Maybe it’s not such an odd tradition.

The grief swallows me like a tidal wave,
Crashing over and over, unrelenting,
It follows me everywhere I go,
With everything I do,
I feel it’s presence
Always behind me
Shrouding the path in darkness
As I take a step, I fall,
Down, down, down,
I take a breath and search for something to blame
But no matter how hard I try,
I find nothing, no face behind the mask,
And in the end I realize
There’s no one to blame
But me

I feel it,
Pulsing inside of me,
There’s so much I want to say with no way to say it,
No one understands,
No one cares.
I scream silently,
No one hearing me.
Everything continues on,
My life swirling around me,
The broken pieces hidden from the rest of the world,
I scream again, yet no one hears,
I keep yelling, knowing it’s hopeless, but just wishing,
Praying,
That someone will hear,
Eventually, I stop, the dreadful realization smacking me in the face,
I finally just accept the silence,
Accept the fact that no matter how hard I try,
No one will hear.

I’m always the burden,
No matter what I try,
How I act, how I attempt to express my feelings,
I’m always wrong
I always say the wrong thing,
Words come out in the wrong order and way,
Upsetting people,
Causing the retaliation and they start to hate me,
Yes I know I’m uncool girls,
Yes I know I’m a financial burden mom,
I know I’m always the odd one out,
The one piece that never fits in the puzzle,
And no matter how hard I try to squeeze myself, to change myself to fit, it’s always wrong
I’m always the burden that everyone else is forced to carry.
And they make sure I know it.

I work so hard,
Push myself to the brink,
Pain, pulsating through my lungs,
Each breath I take,
A stab to the heart,
I try again and again,
Cutting through the waves over and over,
Each day,
Dreading the exhaustion,
Dreading watching the others better than me,
Dreading the heartbreak as I finally see,
I can never be enough.
I will never be enough.
I will only be forgotten.

As I jump from the blocks,
Sprinting through the water,
My brain leaving my body,
I think nothing but to push,
To be better than the others,
To show everyone how great I am,
I watch with horror and somehow agreement,
As the others pass me,
Chopping through the water like knives that stab me in the back,
And know I can never be enough.
I will never be enough.
I will only be forgotten.

I push past the pain,
In practice I work,
Harder and harder with more resolve,
Get out every day shaking a little more,
At school my legs wobble from exhaustion and anticipation for the next one,
But no matter what I do,
When I go to the next real race,
And lose again and again,
Go far too slow,
Despite all I’ve worked for,
I can never be enough.
I will never be enough.
I will only be forgotten.

My name will be just like any other, drowning in the colossal waves made by others.