He did not let me finish my thought of both the wrongness of what we were about to do and the regret I would suffer after.  I felt his hands encircle my waist,  hauling me close and flattening me on his own body. His other  arm had moved up to my face, cupping my cheek and pulling me up so our eyes could meet.  I felt both the gentleness and the roughness of his gaze, his dark eyes flaring with desire.  He leaned down, his Lips closing in on mine, deepening in to a shivering kiss. There was non of my lover's gentleness or now, I realized, non of his restraint.  He was not holding back as he drowned in the moment pulling me in with him.  He tasted of sweetness and the slight tinge of copper.  I felt his fingers burrow deep in to my back,  sending flairs of pain and pleasure in to me.  In stead  of the feverish heat I had felt with my lover, here there was coldness, the utter chill that gushed out if his body, but it still did not matter because it was still perfect. Without my consent, my hand had moved up across his chest and was grabbing the back of his neck, pulling him down to my lips. I was defeated and he did not resist, Instead,  his teeth crashed with mine while his tounge drew invisible lines across my shaking lips. 

I moaned and pleaded for him to take me,  take me from this life, because nothing will ever be as flawless as this moment . We fell in to the pool I created from my own blood, my body paling out in his arms. I felt him nod between the crook of my neck.  Death never disappoints.

Every so often I wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and on the periphery of my vision, I see you seating on the edge of my bed. Your face seems to be dappled but I figure you always have that crooked smile you seem to favor. No matter how many times I’ve seen this it doesn’t fail to surprise me each time. My heart races until the force of my blood gashing through my veins is almost painful. I gasp and I blink, and when my eyes open your no longer there like you’re no longer in my life. I keep expecting to be content with that fact but that hasn’t happened yet and it worries me that it never will.

Grieving is such a strange thing, you know, crying for someone you’ll never see again. You’re supposed to mourn all the pain the loss has caused you so you’ll be better again, better to live your life, to love again, to see the world in a new light away from the shade that person had on you. But what if your life is the shade and that person was the only light in it, as if they were made from the brightest lanterns?


You once wrote to me in the middle of the night, “Make me feel something.” You said, “I’m so numb.” You said. And I pictured how you whispered it after, with your fingers shaking as they gripped the phone as though it was your life’s salvation. I held you close with arms that you could not see but felt and my words covered you like false temptation, beautiful and alluring, and just absolutely right.  Yet they were all just fragments in our memories because we made nothing veritable. I never really let you go after even though I thought I did. My soul imprinted on yours and it was as if that moment ripped part of my being and kept it with you.


I never really let you go even though you broke my bones as if that moment was when we first lipped from the tallest towers. We floated on broken wings and we told each other that all we had was fragments of each moment we spent together until one of us decided no more moment should be made.  It was never acknowledged, of course, because selfishness was in our veins, not matter how much we tried to live for one another, there was a silent clock ticking in both our heads, screaming to for us to stop; to just give up, to leap from the tower and to forget. I should have hurdled first so I would not have to see the remains of you shattered.

Sometimes things are okay,
And its also acceptable to admit that they are
Its also alrght to fear words could jinks them and make them bad again.
Sometimes its okay to be afraid,  of loss and abandonment,
And its alright to voice those fears,
But its also sanctioned to fear those fears and keep them in a trapped state.
And its fine to hide it from people
As it is fine to share them to whom you please.
Its all right to wake up in the morning and dread the sight of yourself in the mirror.
And its granted to have doubts about who you are.
But its also okay to let people see you and convince you what they see is nothing but flawless.
Its okay to hate yourself and love others as it is okay to let others love you. 
And to believe you have a gorgeous yet dark soul is perfectly beautiful too.