Things I can do, there's just so much to do. I can go somewhere else, take time for myself. Explain what i'm feeling and know i wont always feel this way. Oh I can take a deep breath and smile once in a while it takes less energy than to frown, sure doesn't feel that way. Feel like I can't talk it out cause all they say is think about yourself. Think about what you can do to make it better. Well what are you waiting for just get up and take a walk for a while. Oh so you think I haven't tried, that I haven't walked or talked or smiled of course I tried but i just can't find a way for it to help me for it to stop the pain or for it to ease me. I try to focus on what's true but how can I know when I'm telling myself all these lies about how I know I'm fine. All this lying isn't helping the situation yet I'm screaming and you can’t hear me. Things I can do, there's just so much to do. I can go somewhere else, take time for myself. Explain what i'm feeling and know i wont always feel this way. Sure doesn't feel that way. All the voices in my head get so loud and I can just sit there wishing I could cut them out. I ask them to not talk down to me, but it's too late now. I don't even wanna think about anything cause in the end there's really nothing. So I guess I'm a let down, everytime i listen, and sit down it feels like you lecture me, wish we can just figure things out, well im sorry, feels like i wanna move outta town. But it's cool once in a while I check out but reality calls and brings me back, what do you want now? You wanna be friends now? Alright lemme put a fake face on so we can pretend now, you know you really messed this up, cut it off, turned around never looked back on what you did now. We can talk about the good times, the ones that never even happened. Why are you laughing? This isn't funny, not a funny situation. I bet you're laughing at yourself cause maybe you finally realized that you messed up and thought it was all a joke but no it happened, maybe i missed that joke, lemme see if i can see a reaction, no? Well at least you're happy! Things I can do, there's just so much to do. I can go somewhere else, take time for myself. Explain what i'm feeling and know i wont always feel this way, sure doesn't feel that way. Now make way the tears are coming, washing away the thin layer of happy I put up as a mask so you could walk away unknowing that you really messed up but you keep on laughing, must've missed that joke lemme see if i can find a reaction, no, but at least your happy.

Why have I not see the truth behind the words that I can't see? I know they're there but I can not feel them and I feel so lost. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the desert, aching for water and love. aching for any type of life. I need people so understand why I can not feel the love and compassion I'm getting.

I do not feel I deserve it so I do not accept it...

sometimes I can't sleep because I'm stuck thinking about life and why it's so unfair.

why, why, why?

You know...

                       writing
                                       these
                                                      words...
is just as hard
                           as
                                  saying
                                                them...

I used to believe in God until he took my father and gave him a wife that changed him.

I used to believe in God until he took my mom and turned her into an emotional bomb.

I used to believe in God until he gave me pain... now I just believe in hope that God can fix it all.

For love is the thing that has brought me to this.
love has dragged me into a pit of insanity and chaos.
Love- if fact - is the very thing that hurt me the most,
because I expected so much love back, and all I got...
Was half the share I needed.
For love is the thing that has brought me to this.
My endless ranting of pain and sorrow.
How can such a beautiful thing be so dangerous?
For only a couple of words can brake the definition of
L O V E.

The words we say that we don't mean are the ones that haunt us to the end.

You’re walking down the hall, and you feel the eyes on your back. You hear the nonexistent whispers about how outdated your outfit is, or how bad your make-up is today even though you spent all morning applying it layer by layer not thinking about the consequences. All you can think about is how others will judge you. Judge your hair, your eyebrows, every single thing about you that can be seen. The words live in you, they dance with the tears that fall down your face as you run into the bathroom stall. The one place they can't get  you. They can't hear your sobs, but you can hear them. The words. Like sticky notes on your back. You know they’re laughing. And all you can think is why am I not good enough?

You wait for the bell to ring, and you make your escape with dried tears on your face. Again, you can hear the whispers. This time about how ugly you are and how you could never fit in.
You get judged even though you spend so much time on yourself being sure everything is perfect. In class you can never focus on the lectures because the insults swim in your head not caring how much it's breaking you. You act okay because you fear the ones you confess to will turn into the ones that started it in the first place. No matter who tells or doesn't tell, there will always be hate. And then rises the question, Why am I not good enough?

You’re broken. You’re broken into pieces spread on the floor like nothing ever mattered more than you just not being there. Not being anywhere. And you feel so small, so weak and sad. Your family members know nothing about you. You're a child yet they know so little about you. How does that make you feel? Broken? Depressed? Like you must give up to end the pain? Well think again. Look from their perspective. They know nothing because you tell them nothing. You don't tell them how you get called ugly three times everyday, or how you cry everyday more times than you actually attend class. You see, you have a choice. You have a choice to not be broken no matter how worthless you feel or how ugly you feel. No matter how disgusting that bathroom stall is, or how wet your desk is from your tears. At that moment you think, Why am I not good enough for you? You still feel broken but it's a start towards happiness. You get on your knees after they hit you down like you're a piece of trash. Show them you can be more than the girl or boy who runs into the bathroom everyday to cry. Show them you are more than the girl or boy who has tear drops across their homework.

Then raises the question; Does hurting me, breaking me, tearing me apart, make you feel better? Do you feel good knowing you're putting someone else down to build yourself up? Do you really feel good at the end of the day knowing that you're just spreading your pain? And comes upon a new question;

Are any of us good enough? Can we all really ever be good enough?
No amount of make-up, hair extensions, or plastic nails can define our worth. We are our own people and you need to choose what type of person you want to become. Do you want to become the one to break others and know that you're hurting others for your emotional state? Do you want to be the broken one? The sad, depressed one who feels that they can't do anything? Or do you want to be the person to DO something? To SEE the issue and do something about it instead of spreading it. Don't make others feel worn down just so you can add them to your collection of victims for your happiness.
And from this; comes the final question;
What is good enough?

I lay in bed remembering how you left.
I remember your words, and how no tears fell when you told me.
I was paralyzed. I couldn't move, speak, or tell you how much I loved you because at that point I don't know if I did anymore.

I didn't want to believe, but as the sheet of memory falls over e, I remember I wanted to getaway. To get away from you and the pain. From the memories that should've been lost a long time ago.

I do still love you and I do still miss you,... But it might just take a while for you to return that love and longing for something better than this.

Today I have learned great things. Today was and always will be known as a great beautiful day.
Sure, I felt pain and sorrow.
And anger and tears down my cheeks, but it is not the leaking water from my sockets or the white on my curled knuckles that matters.
It is what happened.
For I have learned and seen.
I have experienced more, and felt new things.
I cried and laughed and dropped onto my knees in pain or laughter, not to be seen.
Today, I have learned great things.
Today was and always will be known as a great beautiful day.
For the truth beneath, is truly that any beauty and all beauty is in the eye of the creator.
The beholder.
The crier and smiles.
The ones that know, that today, they have learned great and beautiful things.
That every day will be filled with this beautiful light, and grieving shadows.
Yet, we still feel as if something is missing.
Not the greatness or the beauty,
but the thing we know not of until it is gone.