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BlueBird May 2021
I wonder if all the people I ever touched think of me
And I wonder if those thoughts ever actually resemble who I am.
Do I even know what that is?
Not really.
I've set hearts on fire
And breathed air into so many lungs
And I wonder if the way they live their life now is at all attached to even a small memory of what I felt like.

Why am I so obsessed with making sure I disappear into whatever I can find out there.

I don't even like you.
BlueBird May 2021
Sometimes I forget in the moment that at the end of the day when I've spent every spare minute trying to distract myself with another human, I will feel the most empty I've ever felt, even more than the day before.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in groundhog day,
But not the one with the warm kiss at the end where the people leave connected and have learned how to love again.

It's always the one where I just end up smaller than I used to be, and I can never make enough noise so that the person next to me actually hears it.

I wake up every morning saying there is worth here somewhere in this body and it takes only hours for me to have fully rejected that ridiculous notion that somehow I could have ever been of value.
BlueBird May 2021
I like to take my time studying your face whenever you forget I'm around.
The way you push your hair back sometimes out of frustration
And the way your shoulders tense up when you can tell I'm watching you again.

I think the whole point of the way I pour myself into your body until there's nothing left,
Is just to escape for a bit.
If all of me is inside of someone else,
I don't have to feel the feelings or be overwhelmed by the weight of whatever obsession has burrowed its way inside my head that day.

I like to feel nothing.
And you like to feel everything.

We are made for eachother.
BlueBird May 2021
I could offer you both my arms and a leg and you would still ask me for my lungs.

I often wonder when you'll have enough pieces of me, so I can start to feel whole somewhere.
BlueBird May 2021
When everyone she loves most is in bed fast asleep,
She silently opens the door and walks softly down her steps
Until she reaches the end of the concrete.
She breathes in,
And it's crisp and clean
As it fills her lungs.

She looks straight ahead,
At the home that's been built out of her bones she had to put back in place and the hair she lost when she grew those babies inside of her,
and the blood she drained out of her veins to sign the paper that suggested there was another way of life
Somewhere deep inside the center of her journey to her earth.
To the core.
When she had already signed 30 other contracts,
Swam across 30 oceans and sank every boat.
Flew over deserts, dropping petals into the sand so she could find her way back but they never seemed to stick around.
Walked across the empty highways always hoping to run into real life but instead found sticks and stones, and broken bones.

And she weeps.
Into her hands.

Because this was never supposed to be hers, but it turns out that no one ever knew what they were talking about,

And sometimes
Future is choice.
BlueBird May 2021
Sometimes I take the time to crawl up into the attic and help my brain clean up the clutter.
But going through the piles and piles
Of these sentences full of big feelings,
It's like I am reading someone else's diary and I end up feeling...
Connected.
It scares me a little.
BlueBird May 2021
My teeth are sharp but I don't know how to use them for revenge.
So all they do is cut up my mouth and it's getting to the point where I can't even talk, because all that comes out is a whisper and blood.
You just look away
Put your hands over your ears
And I'm left standing there
Naked for the entire world to see
Looking like I just lost a battle.
Am I fixable at this point?
Or do I just continue this routine that was written for me where I am going from empty to angry to desperate to nothing.
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