Eye hav a higgoramous, shee tort me orl I knoe
Sheez a clevar Higgoramous az Higorrami goe
Shee tort me orl mi spelin and wen eye pik mi no’s
Ter wypit on der carpit knot rubbit on mi close

Sum peepul saye herz higgorrunt an saye dat shee iz fik
I ate dem orrid peepul dey reely mayk mee sik
I ope dat shee gitz pregerant an az a littel cubb
Eye’ll fead er lotz of kandie an uthar luvly grubb
Eye’ll elp er mummie baff er eye’ll chainge er durty nappie
Shee’ll bee soe qoot an cudelsum shee’l mayk mee viry appy
An wen der cubb gitz biggar shee’ll plae wiv mee an kis
An evariwun wil real eyes dat higgoramous’s iz bliss :-)

She was old and befuddled as any could see
But old or not she had still beaten me
Standing at the checkout just wanting to go
‘Will you take a cheque dear’ oldie wants to know?

Oh spare me dear lord I’ve picked the wrong queue
Has this sort of thing ever happened to you?
Fishing in her handbag ‘A card dear?  Don’t know’
They must have sent me one a long time ago

Fiddling and fumbling ‘til I want to scream
Surely to god this is just a bad dream?
But no it’s real and she’s taking all day
I’m off to a party, want to be on my way

Three hours at the party goes by in a flash
Three minutes behind someone who usually pays cash
Drags like an eternity, my patience was spent
I realised this morning I shouldn’t resent

For patience is a virtue and time an illusion
T’was me not her suffered most confusion
For the faster we hurry the quicker we pave
Our path through this life, why dash to the grave?

Where did he steal that fowl he has a-roasting on his fire
He looks a ***** scoundrel, a godless ****, a liar
I've heard that they’re all rapists every woman’s dread
And when they've finished with ‘em they leave their victims dead
I've heard that they eat babies and broil them on a spit
‘Tis known in other the villages and that’s the truth of it

Thus whispered fearful peasants behind the soldiers pack
Should he leave them to the enemy they’d **** soon want him back
Hold your peace cried the village priest at his Sunday sermon
He’s come to fight the tyrant with the Dutchman and the German
They pay in gold for the food they take not plunder us like the French
And they’d hang them from the gallows should they **** any *****

And when it comes to fighting there’s none better, braver, bolder
Be he uncouth and foul of mouth God bless the British soldier
Be grateful that he’s come good folk be on your knees and pray
For we all will need god’s mercy on this June’s eighteenth day
For he’s fighting for our freedom for the sake of me and you
And many will be falling soon near our village Waterloo

Written to commemorate the200th anniversary of the  battle of Waterloo which saw the final defeat of the self proclaimed emperor Napoleon Bonaparte on Sunday the 18th June 1815

******* found dead the papers said
Wounds to the genitals breast and head
Cast aside in a corner dark
Of the municipal park
Like some ******* in a bag
Just some *****? Some little ****?

Or a teenage girl all alone
Who’d a baby daughter of her own
Who was big sis to her little brother
A much loved child of a single mother
Used, abused then thrown aside
In terror and loneliness when she died

If we don’t look behind headline
Move on quickly, we’ll be fine
Otherwise we may feel grief
Or, god forbid, change a fixed belief
She was just some ***** who got hers
But, perhaps a mention in our prayers?

We may feel brief pity, heave a sigh
There, but for the grace of God, go I
Then turn the page, find the sport
**** happens when you’re born that sort
It’s just society nothing more
And, after all, she was just a *****

(Wasn't she?)

Walls I built for my own protection
Walls that cannot fall mental, spiritual
Built by ritual
To keep you without drunken lout
Those same walls keep me locked within
A prisoner of your violent whim

Though you strike I shall not yield
My hardened spirit is my shield
When you finally **** me sweet release
My troubles cease
I shall be free
You’ll find your woes have just begun
For where I have lost you haven't won

Whilst strolling in the countryside    
I had time to dwell    
On deeply profound questions    
Like: Do badger farts have a smell?    
      
I pondered as I wandered    
On this important thought    
And then I found a badger sett    
And so I thought I ought    
      
To settle this complex question    
That had bothered me all day    
I stuck my silly head down there    
Boy was I was made to pay    
      
For when a badger thinks he’s trapped    
He lets  go a tremendous ****    
The stench was green and nauseous
And **** near stopped my heart    
      
Trying to withdraw in haste    
I ran out of luck    
For no matter how I wriggled    
My head was  firmly stuck    
      
A passer by chanced on me    
But he was not a friend    
He stole my shoes and trousers    
Exposing my rear end    
      
The farmer who dug me out  
Laughed until he cried    
I had to walk home bare of ****    
Whilst covering my pride    
      
So now I've learned a lesson    
With experiments to be frugal    
I’ll wait until I get back home    
And look it up on Google

He reads her letter again
Feels the same pang of pain
Can’t take the pressure she says
Still I love you in so many ways
But can’t live with you being over there
Me being over here
I'm only human my dear
I hope you’ll see it’s for the best
And for our little boy the joy
Of knowing the man he calls daddy
Comes home at night
Doesn’t fight

Staying away
Whilst we can only watch and pray
It’s just too much watching the news
Wondering when it’s your turn to lose
Can’t do it any more
The flag draped caskets
Returning
See the widows’ tears burning
Coursing down their pain lined faces
For another guy who ran out of aces


Bob you know I'm not a *****
But I’ve  met a man,
It wasn't planned
It just happened
One of those things
He talks of a future
With wedding rings
He’s got a great job Bob
And little Jimmy loves him too
Hell what could I do?

I know you’ll be angry
But ***** you! It was your choice
To go away
Fighting for paltry pay
Sorry, sorry, didn’t mean to get mad
Must be the guilt
I’m not the type to jilt
At the drop of a hat, stuff like that
Anyway I gotta go
Just thought I’d let you know
You’ll always be in my heart

Be lucky,

Lucy

He drops her letter to the wind
Watches it blow
Then pulls the trigger with his toe