I am
listening to Save Feris.
I am
drinking wine from a Frappechino bottle.
Said wine,
is called Carnivor.
Heavy,
Biting,
Cheap.
I am
dressed in army pants
and my older brothers chopped up
childhood HD sweater.

Black leather boots, tight.
Pants bloused above.

I
did laundry today.

I cleaned the kitchen

and did the dishes.

I did the shopping
and
took out the trash....


It is winter
and it has finally snowed,
bitter cold.


Been mild so far.

Been,

tense

so far.



Healing
and

moving
Healing
and

moving



I dress for my battles.

             I dress for chicago.

prepare for......
                                     everthing.

You really seem quite nice
and your brain is just my size
and I tell ya man im not an easy fit

id love to have a chat
pick your brain about
this and that
no better way to possibly spend my time

but when I get to talking
theres this voice that comes a mocking
and I find my self in a war with my words

and im shuddering
and im stopping
and im wishing that I could just find
that perfect and clear combination of words and sounds

a conversation
some discourse
a verbal interaction
its and itch thats needed scratching
for some time

I just wish I could give it a try

see iv been running around in circles
pushing boundaries
stepping backwards
even gnawed my foot down to the bone

communication at its finest
effortlessness interaction
the kind were we can see each other new

iv love to get to know you
iv got lots of things to show you
but im choking
and im gasping
purely willing my self to spit out
that perfect and clear combination of words and sounds

a conversation
some discourse
a verbal interaction
its and itch thats needed scratching
for some time

but I never can get it quite right.

iv been giving up
and feeling  tired
from all this
wadeing into my past for answers

But, Im getting really ******* sick of the why.
And the how.
And I need to feel the now.

been hiding out like a *****
keep your
self out of the equation
lest I spread this plauge
of sadness and shame

I look my self in the face and say
'Do it, or die. These are your options'
Strangely it gives me strength
to ask my self if I really want to die.
And if the answer is no well,
"Buck it the **** up honey and get it done."

I wanna be stronger now
I wanna me meaner now
I wanna be all those girl bands I
tirelessly hunted down

I had dreams and a drive once
I can have them again
just watch me try to stop me

I could decide to start a revolution using only my voice
All it takes  is the will to make it happen,
Darby Crash didn't realize or maybe he did
The moments
The oneness
A feeling he couldn't sustain
A high he couldn't maintain
Such a need for closeness it can never be filled
To go on in a life of solitude and anonymity
To live out your days growing farther and farther away from that feeling
To create something so intangibly wonderful
To be the entertainer
The light bringer
The hope giver
The mind clearer
The sole bursting
Something that carries on in the heart of man
Bigger than your self
So big it fills the hearts and holes of many
Bearing your scars with it reflected back at you
As an act of strength
I
Know
What its like
Out there
But
In here
We are whole
We are perfect
Our eyelashes catch our sweat

Once, i had love and music.
But people come, people go
but the few that stay ..
if any stay.. who wants to
stay?

A head full of breezes,
nothing
   that lingers
No one that
   lingers
Nothing that
   matters.

Poor emo ***** *****,
lost in their houses.
If wishes were fishes i might do the dishes
but domesticity kills.
(Paralysis too)
I'd rather do nothing than
something i might lose.

Out look is everything
Look in the mirror
and what do you see?
You really are who
you want to be.
I want to be ****.
I want to mean
nothing.
Cause nothing from nothing beats nothing from something

"What of the morning?"
The watchmen he said,
"This morning is this evening and this evening ill be dead."


I find my self
lost inside a home,
not my home,
my home is with you.
You make me feel like a crazy fool.

I'm childish
I'm selfish,
immature to boot.
You would think all this knowledge would give me something to do.

Art requires heart, and a heart I don't have.
See i gave it away to this lovely young man.
Art with out heart, is like Bell with out Beast.
When they dont come together, nothing is complete.

Just hold on a minute
Just calm down a second
There some questions I've been meaning to ask you.

If you can just quiet
Just for one minuet
Theres some things i have been dieing to tell you

When your face gets so red and
The words just keep flowing
Closer and closer
Volume growing and growing.

Don't shut me out now
Please don't interrupt me
If i don't get this out out
the pain will just keep growing

When the room gets to bright
All snarling teeth and fright
When the temperature rockets
Back to wall hands in pockets
Trembling crouching.

Please don't get angry
I need you to know this
It hurts you i know
But iv needed to show you this

When I'm crying so hard
When I'm  chocking up spit
When I'm sobbing and begging
Telling you to quit

When there's a barricade on the door
When the pounding is so loud
When there's dents in the wood
When i hate being alone

Just one more question. Honestly, please, in these moments
do you think i feel you love me?

Distortion, override

filling heads bobbing and swaying like a metronome with reckless abandon.



Calves bursting with an energy reserved for marathon runners and speed junkies.



Drum beat love, thumping in chests like hearts made of rock n roll-

manufactured by Pearl and modified by ourselves.



Sound waves wasted on ears to dense to comprehend the raw power pouring out a Marshal stack.



UN-moving, mind and body

paralysis turned rigamortis

I wanted to know you like no one else
I wanted to tell you this all my self

But this country's so big
And so wide coast to coast
And this person im talking to is only your ghost

With suburbia behind us
Endless sky ahead and
With how close the clouds were you'd think we were dead

I don't know you any more
Wish I could say I did

I think I've forgotten
I think I remember
I think I should call you
I don't think it matters

I loved you,
Somewhere I think I still do
In the back of my heart
In a memory of you

It a fall like I have never seen it before
Its early
And its late
And it nothing in between

Fire in the sky and it skipping the ground
Voices and laughter and such beautiful sounds

A treasure is hidden
Just waiting to be found
A part of me missing
Now deep in that ground

I wanna run in the rain
But its to late
To cold



Left out in the cold with tail lights receding
A nervous but wonderful kind of a feeling

A sky full of colors
That gold that wont stay
I thought that I loved you
But only for a day


The stars still shine brightest from the roof of a car
And the seasons are changing as much as we are
That doesn't mean I don't miss you just the same

My Hero
My Partner
My Best Friend for a time
I guess I'm just selfish
I know your not mine

The acrid smell of cigars still hangs in the
Air where a beat up white
Cavalier once stood

Lay out on the hood
Let the sun bake on in
I've said my goodbyes
no more see you later
although this last moment I'm entitled to savor

In years to come this view will be gone
I want to remember you just as you are

Drive on up the street but please don't look back
You'll see what im saying is a measurable fact
There's a time and a place
And nether still exists
Screaming and fighting and raising of fists
To the flame in the sky wont help it one bit
Trust me id make him stop if I could


I breath out
The car fills with smoke
Hey, pass me another
Alright, but you buy next time.

I am an anarchist
a feminist
an abolitionist

I am out spoken
I am afrade
I stew in the messes that I have made

I am cynical
I am cautions
I am a pessimist
I am nauseous

I am unorganized
I am unwilling
and these clothes are all ill fitting

I am crude, rude, lude
and am in the most terrible mood

I am depressed
I am a mess
I dont think I could hate my self less

I am free
I am caged
I present my self on stage

I care
I am aware
I lack lengths of hair

I sing
and I shout
but in nothing particular about

I write poems on occasion
but never anything to amazin'

I dont know what i could do
To help me start loveing you

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3

I laugh so hard
They all stop to look at me

In an atept to help
One hands be a book
Another a movie

At last a panflit
To teach me pationce
Untill god gifts me a husband

I drop them in the trash drown the block in a lump.
Pour my coffie on it and refuse to be told.

I want to love you like new
I want to love you our way
And no one elses
And to find out what that means.

Loveing like childeren
Living like lovers
Under the covers

Ok so sir elton john gets to have a say.
But i admit, i trust his opinoins more than those of gods and men.

Wile you were gone
The world came crashing down
And i, to weak to hold it off
Crashed too

For a day or so
Your sent still clung to it
Now all i smell is the salt

How much longer can i ignore the wound in my side?
Until i finally pass out from the loss...

I saw you the other day

I tried not to

And you not see me


Standing there
Smoking

Trying to hide in broad daylight on a street corner

To wrap you up inside my skin
To feel that aching deep within i want you
I want
You

When times are troubled and im tired
Im all mixed up and hot like wire
I want you
I want you

A bed so empty and so small
A silence i cant stand at all
I want you
I want you

To breath and sigh and stretch and yawn
To slide my hand across your arm
I want you
I want you

Bodys tangled side by side
press my warmth against your thigh
I want you
I want you

I want you
And i want to know you want me too
All i ask for
All i need
That piece of mind
Some room to breath
I want you

I want to be there for the ride
I want to watch you grow and fly
all ill ask you
And all i say
Please say you want me in some way.


In my dreams we travel wide
I always find you by my side
I quite enjoy your company
I would like it for my journey.

I want to know if you want me
And if you like my company
if you dont then thats ok
i still would like you any way.

I want you to be there with me
I want to take your hand with glee
Set our paths both far and wide
we could take the world in stride.

I want to know if you want me
And if you like my company
I want you too
I swear its true
I want to be alone with you

I want to shake the world with you.

id like to spend some time with you.

You kiss the back of my neck,
as we curl up to sleep.
This was never part of the agreement
(not that i dont like it) and
i know you were drunk and
  dont mean it.
I'm not usto it
just not shure how to take it.

When i feel your eyelashes on my hair
I consiter it,
but i don't.
Sometimes you suggest that i take other men home,
i consiter it,
But i dont.
It's not that i have only eyes for you
Dear.
It's just that no one else catches my eye.

Knock it off.
Callm your **** down.
Don't be getting all
sent-a-ment-al.

Company is company and
company is nice.
If you get your pantys in a twist
it might ruin the whole night.

so lets just enjoy it
i like you
you seem like a decent  sorta guy

I know that im awkward,
and *******.
But i think you kinda are too.
Also,
i dont mean anything by it
when i dont **** your ****.
Tts just a tick.
And dont you worry,
ill get over it.

My head on your chest
And Lord knows I'm a mess
But that steady beat i hear keeps me in time

That look in your eyes
Your hands shaking like mine
And I cant keep you out of my mind

No denying this feeling
These cards are self dealing
All i want is to stay by your side

And the world could come crashing down
Around my head
But i just wont mind
So long as I'm here
With your arms wrapped around me
I know it will be just fine

'Cause i cant shake this feeling that there is no turning back now

You sigh in your sleep
And most things just don't keep
But hearing you breathe makes me think that whats gold can stay


I remember it all
I remember the fall
And the sun just keeps rising since then

This feeling inside
I just cant seem to hide
Then i look in your eyes and its there
And it's there
And it's there

The touch of your lips
Your hands rest on my hips
And we clasp hands so tight that it hurts

You fear for the worst
But that's not how it works
'Cause you see I'm in love with this boy

I play with your hair
And it just isent fair
That time wont stop for me
And for you
And for you

So long as your here
With your arms wrapped around me
I know it will be just fine