I always thought my depression lasted for a few muted, rainy days, but here I sit with the sun in my eyes and a warm breeze on my skin and I haven't felt so much pain as I do now.

I always thought my depression was like a knife in my stomach, but it honesty feels like knives are coming from inside me, traveling through my veins and piercing my skin until no one can touch me for fear of getting cut.

I always thought my depression made way for a new outlook on art, music, writing, and life in general, but I haven't painted, sung, or written in months and I am as sure as hell that I haven't lived.

I'm trying, *******, I'm trying.

When will that ever be enough?
You're indifferent to the process,
And only care about the result.

I'm not even living for anything.
Just existing to feel pain.

If only you knew how you are slowly destroying your own daughter. How each word severs those precious heart strings until it will collapse on itself.

I want to scream it in your face, shove those words down your throat until you get the message.

The hurt constantly whispers to your ears but you're preoccupied with permeating my skin with harmful words.

Take time and listen to it, focus on the silent screams.

I was so proud of him. He asked me how my wrist was. Better, I replied, though I was lying. We reached the gate at the end of the trail. As each rider went passed, he called out their names and smiled. Four hours later he would take his last breath in that same spot. The ride was a tough one. Thirty-nine miles and up three mountains. After conquering the second, he looked tired, but heck we all were. We continued and laughed along the way. I got back ahead of the rest, and heard he had crashed and was at the hospital. I wasn't terribly concerned, this is mountain biking after all. It was later that afternoon I decided to ask a coach how he was. I got the reply I never thought I would. Denial surged through me. I ran out of the house to my "thinking spot". I screamed at the sky. I had so much anger inside and I wanted to be sure God heard me and what I thought about the greatest injustice I had ever witnessed. God took someone who brought so much joy to my life. Words cannot articulate the beauty of his personality. He would yell halfway across the school just to say hi to me. There's a full moon tonight and I know that it is shining like he is providing the light.

Darling,
Are you ready to explore the world?
Hand in hand. Face it together.

Are you willing to travel the world?
Explore the unknown, discover the new, experience the old.

Are you giddy to see the world?
Come along. Beyond the steps. Front door gone.

Are you ready to explore the world?
Heart thumping. Fingers crossed.

My sense of fear wears thin, it melts.
The presence of your love. Ceaseless.
Fear itself escapes my awareness.
My understanding cannot grasp why.
The comfort of your arms- I'm limply enclosed.
Though storm and terror attempt to
shake me from your grip, they fail.
Love only a mother can offer.
Only you can hear this love.
A connection from that first breath,
as it was for you, years ago.
The days shall pass, then turning
to years. No matter how they grow,
remain young. Don't you ever grow up.

The ever-morphing clouds. They appear
as one thing, yet in the next moment
they change, ever so slightly. Changing
and changing, moment by moment,
until the one seemingly definite
thing is gone, leaving me bereft of
that glimpse in time, now only a
memory. The clouds are much like
you. One minute a friend, the next
an enemy. The abandoned hope
that you and my cloud will return
harbors in my thoughts.
But I've had my chance to be happy
with both, and now I must relinquish
my claim and let you, and my cloud,
move on. The realization of my
lack of sorrow will hit like a stone,
melting the ground into water,
enveloping the stone and letting it
sink. I can't be sad at the thought of
loss, because my world is thriving with
the severed unification it once held
with yours.

Those eyes.
It was a foggy day. I'm sure anything with color would have stood out. But when I glanced to my right and saw your face, I knew nothing in this universe could have pried our eyes apart. They were the most agonizingly arctic blue. I was left breathless and confused. Eye contact is terrifying yet beautiful. In that moment our eyes created a love that surpassed time because that .5 second gaze haunted me for the rest of the day. I know that I will only see you in that one spot as I walk down the stairs everyday, but for me, that's enough to keep me alive.