You would flaunt your promiscuity,
I would stay under the radar so I wouldn’t get taken advantage of.
I will never be like you and end up on a random park bench at 3am.
You would make fun of my acne,
I would tell you how beautiful you were even when your acne was worse than mine.
I will never be like you and tear down women. Or anyone for that matter.

Mom what is next? I want to grow and be just like you. To have a relationship like you and dad do.
Mom what is wrong? Why are you crying? Why aren’t there any songs. Where are the lullybies and where are the hugs?  Why is dad yelling? Why are we running?
Mom something is wrong. I feel funny and something isn’t right. What does this mean? I didn’t want to start a fight. I am so sorry. I must have done something bad.
Mom mom help I don’t know what to do. Little sister is sick and dad only cares about sue. There are hand marks on little brother and the other wont leave his room. Mom I am scared and they need me but not as much as I need you.
Mom they don’t believe me. They think I am too young but I don’t want to go dad is too scary. He told me if I said a word and he flashed me his gun.
Nothing seems right and that’s how it starts but it will never end will it? I started life with a broken heart and shattered glass piercing my skin. They tell you to talk to someone but if I do it’s a sin.

Dear future husband
I thought I knew who you were
Silly naïve me huh?
I thought I knew that your smile was the one I wanted to smile back at forever.
I thought that your arms were the ones that would pick me back up after every tumble in life.
I thought your soft brown hair would be the hair I ran my fingers through until I can’t.
I thought that I would get to stare into those deep brown eyes until I go blind from the brightness of your personality.
But instead
Your smile turned into a snarl and tore me apart
Your arms were the ones that pulled away from me if we ever disagreed on a topic crossing angrily in front of you.
Your soft luscious brown hair became off limits because you thought that I was too clingy.
Your deep brown eyes are now so full of hatred.
But instead
I didn’t blame you.
I blamed myself for every problem we ever had.
I blamed my clinginess for why your grades were slipping.
I blamed myself for the house being a mess from you sitting there all day.
I blamed myself for your car breaking down because I told you to go have fun.
I blamed myself for your anger because I am always to blame.
So instead
I broke.
And you threw those shards into the trash.

Goodbye
I will meet you again but in a different way.
I will see you in the sparkle of my eye whenever I see a Winnie the Pooh joke. I know he was always your favorite.
I will see you in the way my lips create a shy smile still being cautious of the braces that are no longer in my mouth
I will feel you in my heart when my siblings bring up a memory of you.
I will feel you in my throat when I scream your favorite song trying to pretend that everything in this world is alright.
But I will never see you again.
I will never smile the same way at the people you loved so much.
I will never see myself as the positive bubbly person that you are.
I will never love you again.
We are not the same.
I don’t know if we will ever reconnect again.
But I do know that I can’t be you.
I can’t love everyone like you can.
I can’t be good at everything like you are.
I can’t smile like you do.
I can’t feel as deeply as you do.
You made me numb and I blame you and your forever loving heart for that.
Goodbye

I learned I was ugly
Because
I was Always the girl in the back of the photo
Or the one taking it
Or the one left out of the conversation completely.
I learned that I was unwanted
Because
I was Always the one who’s never invited to sleep overs
Or dinners
Or just just kept out of plans so simply.
I learned that I am unloveable and uncharitable
Because
I was always the one being told “No PDA”
Or the one who was never asked to go and meet their friends
Or never posted about in general.
Then you came.
You wanted to teach me all these new things while also prying me from my old ways.
I know it’s hard and time consuming.
I know it’s annoying But I’m trying.
I learned I was ugly and unloveable and unwanted.
So for you to try to teach me that I am my own kind of beautiful, that I’m the one you love the most, or that I am worth it, is so hard for me to believe.

She has a voice of gladness, and a smile so shining you couldn’t help but acknowledge her eloquence of beauty
But she also had a voice that quivered when you spoke too loud
And that smile could turn upside down the second your cold eyes turned in her direction
She was elegant and proud but she was also exhausted and praying for someone to help her
She never needed anyone to tell her who she is or who she was to become
But oh did she wish someone would just say you’re not alone and how much she meant to someone.