I have started over
Hundreds and thousands of times
I see the same stones again
When I scale the mountain
At the peak an image of myself
Less disfigured and distorted
I heal as I get higher
But the air gets thinner
The same familiar stones
Crumble under my feet
And as I trip and plummet
The rocks tear my skin
And snap my bones
More disfigured then before
I think I might be forever cursed
To stones on the mountain floor

Days where talking feels heavy
Forlorn figure in a unlit room
Both are certain  
A dark space within a dark space
Infinite yet short
Colossal weight on the spine
And warm shivers radiating
It’s size is invisible yet unbearable  
It will mangle souls
A perfect image of itself
“It’s only temporary” they said
But it’s agonising anyway

Why is it today
Emotions I can’t express
In the moment I choke on my words
Fog clouding my head
The things I wish I said
They pile up
Scenarios replay
I wanted to do better for you
And they replay
To be useful too you
To be more than
Not less
But it doesn’t matter
It wasn’t today

The light in someone’s eyes
An euphoric symphony of music
And the warmth of immense joy
I want to embody art
And emit love
I will use everything I have
Using every muscle
I will struggle,
I will weep,
I will fight ,
To become a museum of life
Of exactly myself
So infinitely unique
And indefinitely troubled
Nothing more, and nothing less

I bleed red
Agonise over every detail
Yet I still bleed red
When I replay every moment
For every moment
Every moment is a wound
Still pink and raw
Crimson becomes familiar
Soon I’ll bleed my feelings
I’ll bleed my pride
I’ll still bleed red

As much as it is the kindness of a person
Barely even a thought
The day you had in months past
Mistakes made unforgiven
That linger in your bones
You choke on self hatred
Like glass in your throat
being seen and seeing
Past face value, to skeletons that stand alone
Sweat and tears for a smile
For a day
For a minute all the same
To be known is warmth
And being understood is love
Taken for your skeletons
And cherished anyway